I’m not saying I’m a genius, but I’m the one who invented the centrifugal squirrel-launcher birdfeeder. I tell people little lies like that to make small talk sometimes. It's fun.

Living my best life in a dream where the entire city was built of artisanal wooden blocks. This is what happens when you get older and can afford the good stuff.

arctic monkeys > cigarettes after sex

Listening to KFI AM 640 Radio 📻

😅

The Venn diagram of people who lie about their age and people who ask for airport rides with zero cash is just a circle of pure delusion.

We’re happy to announce that the River Side Children’s Choir will be performing Rush’s “2112” album in its entirety all next week at Captain Skip’s Hometown Pork Café and Dinner Theater.

I am so sick of people doing and saying things.

"Support my project!" How about you support my lower back and help me deep-clean this kitchen? If you want my "contribution," I’ve got a mop with your name on it. Let’s see that "hustle" in person.

same

This is where I post from

I have so many Costco hacks, I'm going to write an underground ebook about them.

There is something in the water here; I really need to stop drinking this water.

Took a whole thing of blueberries and mixed it with the Kirkland yogurt quart thing and we're good.

Imagine being so rich that you have to invent new ways to be uncomfortable just to feel something.

These and a big tub of sour cream from costco could cure me.

"What time do you have to work tomorrow?"

We were so excited to have Kevin Costner visit that we didn’t properly think through our Dances With Wolves interactive exhibit.

"You should really be a comedian." — Me, at 4:00 AM, high as a kite, desperately trying to get a pretty girl to stop perceiving me.

Tomorrow’s Dodger game is the only thing standing between me and the abyss. Go Blue, I guess. 🧢💀