⚓️ did a bit of a retelling and significantly lengthened it (the original is like three sentences and I didn't feel like that worked timing-wise) but FUCK this is one of the funniest jokes I've heard in a while

⚓️ God it really seems like I've just bought a collection of Dutch 19th-century Poasts 60% the unfunniest shit you've ever seen, 30% blatant antisemitism, 10% some of the best jokes i've read in my life

Heartwarming: Evil Area Bartender Spiking Your Mocktail Respects Your Sobriety

Translation: Someone says to a pastor: "Why don't pastors get married? You're such a strong man, it's a shame you don't have a wife and children." "No," said the priest, "I won't marry, because the church is my wife and the parishioners are my children. I'd do anything for them and sacrifice...

...myself for them." The questioner passes the church and sees a roofer on the roof. He then goes back to the priest and says, "Father, there's a man crawling all over your woman, and all your children are watching."

⚓️ I ordered a few books on Dutch mythology and folk tales, and this is the first one that got in I opened it on a random page expecting a fairy tale or something but instead I'm getting some of the raunchiest jokes I've read in my life

⚓ god I hop on a call with @chonkden.bsky.social to shoot the shit for her birthday and the literal FIRST thing she says is "you sound so fucking Irish holy shit" it's hysterical

Sonic Autism moment but having that joyous moment where two characters from a non-voiced piece of media sound exactly how you've been reading them for the better part of a decade. Perfect casting put them in a mainline game NOW

Something compelled me to make this

I always feel like the phrase "this election is the most important one in our lives" Is actually a very weak truism. Every election is another chance for us to change the future. You think I'm talking about Presidential, Mid terms? I'm talking about all, at your union, club, among friends

it's conesus making every time. I think people finding a solution is always a beautiful thing. What makes the presidential and other political elections so fraught? Is how little power the individual voter has, and those with money have more. Simple as

"The scheme recouped more than its net cost of €72m through increases in arts-related expenditure, productivity gains and reduced reliance on other welfare payments, according to a government-commissioned cost-benefit analysis." Even from a cold economic calculus, this is a slam dunk!

my politics

Mejia combined campaigning with training, including town halls with sessions about anti-authoritarianism, civil disobedience, and ways to prepare for encounters with immigration agents, who are terrorizing New Jersey and every other state. buff.ly/4yH5Utf

⚓️ god i need to find more Irish people to fool. legitimately one of my funniest party tricks

⚓️ ok so this is REALLY difficult but i'm having a blast i wanna say it's moooostly Hilversums with more rounded consonants, maybe a dash of Amsterdams, and a hint of Flemish? that latter bit i'm not sure on though

⚓️ for your consideration:

spotter girl who begs to fuck the barrel of her sniper's 50 calliber rifle is this anything?

⚓️holy FUCK i'm hot

⚓️ anyway accents are fun and more people should be getting freaky with them

⚓️ wonder if i could speak Dutch with an Irish accent what the fuck would that even sound like

⚓ if anyone wants to hear how insanely Irish I sound, here you go

⚓ for context, I am Dutch. my entire family is Dutch. I have traced my lineage back five generations and the furthest we've gone is Antwerp. I have been in Ireland perhaps a combined month of my entire life. it's SO fucking funny that I have a more Irish accent than several Irish people I know lmao

new fear unlocked: going to Ireland, having people mistake me for a native because of my accent, and getting Notioned into the fucking ground

NEW EYEPATCHWOLF CIDEO AND GOD IT'S FUNNY

for additional fun, my husband works near the Moderna HQ -- not even IN, just NEAR -- and they now have paranoid entry controls with armed goddamn guards because they figure (rightly) that the maniacs threatening Moderna are not smart enough to pick the right building

you could simply leave the “Jewish” part out of this it is a choice and it is a bad one and I would really, truly prefer that people ostensibly on my side of the political spectrum not make it

Three years since your death, three years since your murder. Your murder could have been easily prevented, and yet people allow your memory to be tarnished. But we will strive to make sure you're among the last. You will never be forgotten by your community 🏳️‍⚧️ RIP Brianna Ghey 💔

Three years gone, but not forgotten by your community. 🏳️‍⚧️💔 RIP Brianna.

Your favorite progressive politicians are extremely horny for bills that restrict access. Elizabeth Warren is notoriously anti-SWer and keeps putting her name on these bills. Said before will say again: even Bernie Sanders signed off on FOSTA-SESTA before he VERY tepidly said he shouldn't have.

Skill issue to have your lord and savior die at all tbh. Like oh sure he got better but my guy would have perfect parried the nails on the cross

They tried to knight me but my Gamer Instinct is too strong and I perfect parried the sword every time

☠️ talking to the therapist and she almost healed me but then my mental illness perfect parries her words for critical damage and she goes into her second form

ok but if you find yourself thinking this it's important to realise that this very thought could be a symptom of the anxiety

Another aspect of this: I always had astonishingly good test scores in language (and the science ACT). I was reading at a college level, including science books, by 1st grade. For a long time as a kid, I felt like *none of that really mattered* because I sucked at standardized math testing.

Funny story: my career in drones exists because I have a arithmetic learning disability, tested awfully in math and couldn’t study STEM in college, and became so angered by how normal it was to look down upon non-tech people in the 2010s that I decided to master a hard tech field out of pure spite.

Those who weren’t resigned to the Math Idiot Garbage Bin as kids may not grasp how much “if you’re bad at math, you’ll die in a ditch and all will be better off for it” sentiment was floating around in the 90s and 2000s, but it sure felt real to me. (my parents are great! It didn’t come from them!)

Get in losers we’re doing central planning without the planning

⚓️ kinda interesting how Amélie seems to align much more with everyone else's experiences of plurality (struggles to access others' memories, generally distressed about the whole ordeal, can't really switch at will). huh. well that probably means Nothing definitely Not Something to Worry About

☠️ chat i think i might actually enjoy cooking if i were to try it. spicy food especially. this is devastating to my shitty teenager cred

☠️ when she was around in the headspace Mira actually fucking bleeped my swear words lmfao. i was so fuckin mad in the moment (like, a lil too much ngl), but FUCK looking back that was so fucking funny

☠️ man Sum 41 bangs

☠️ ok when mira's right she's right this song FUCKS

god i love how many of Dexter's kills are just like DEXTER: hey man thanks for giving me this therapeutic breakthrough. it means a lot to me VICTIM: Yeah no worries mate DEXTER: Haha VICTIM: Haha VICTIM: So uh VICTIM: You gonna let me go? DEXTER: Oh, no, you're still getting super murdered

nvm she said i "should be called Vincent van Gock the way i'm painting her chest" post cancelled

☠️ god i can't get over how massive our cock is. comically large hog. this isn't even a horny post it's just legit funny

I ran out of pain pills & my back is screaming 💀 #MutualAid #helpsky #MAboost #BIPOCMA #blacksky #fundsky #disabilityaid 💸💕

I think the most hilarious outcome of "No Hegemon for a Decade" is the United States taking over again because none of the other countries that could take the throne are either incapable or unwilling to spend the blood and treasure necessary to preserve a global hegemon

Look at the US in 1932, or Russia in 1917, or France in 1789. Sometimes a large, powerful country weighed down by sclerotic institutions comes roaring back once the ground has cleared. I think America 2: Woke is a live possibility if we do what is necessary to prevent oligarchy and fascism.