Imagine if your brain did a 2025 Wrapped like “this year you spent 4,624 minutes thinking about your next meal and 1,756 minutes feeling isolated and alone. You’re among the top 75% of Americans who think they’re smarter than the really are.”

Local gay man opens his gas utility bill, discovers he is not immune to inflationary pressures

A girl I knew in undergrad would put about two tablespoons of pepper on her Caesar salad and that it a good habit I happily have claimed as my own all these [redacted] years later

Once I figure out how to add a CapCut Santa hat to the Paintress in promotional key art for Expedition 33 it’s all over for you

The ghosts of Catullus, Shakespeare and John Milton all just quivered in their graves. Meanwhile the ghost of Frank O’Hara is marching to your front door

The hvac tech who serviced my furnace today had little cubic zirconium studs in his cartilage and tbqh I love that for him

Did someone stay an entire bottle of cologne all over Andersonville or something? It’s not an unpleasant smell or anythingbut it is all-pervasive

"Little Drummer Boy" is objectively the worst Christmas song, but that doesn't prevent me from being deeply annoyed by the mansplanation par excellence that is "Mary, Did You Know."

For KitchenAid to be so good at making stand mixers I am confused why they still haven't figured out how to help me pour in a dry ingredient without spilling half of it on the counter

There are so many pull quotes from this Maggie Nelson collection I’m reading but most grateful for her articulation of the title of my memoirs

Keep 👏🏻 running 👏🏻 up 👏🏻 that 👏🏻 hill 👏🏻 -Kate Bush on the sidelines, cheering on Sisyphus, allegedly

It's your birthday, Duane.

Wow but has a tattooed shoulder ever looked better

Live from my in-laws’ basement bathroom

Genderqueer Crochet Artists, Goth Gamers with Ph.Ds in Molecular Biology, Anarcho-Communists who dress like it’s the 1950s

I have the sneaking suspicion that summer 2026 will play host to discourse about some unholy union of gen A I and N F Ts that I am utterly unequipped to handle as a human being

Honey, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Anthropologie (R) Labubu x Ralph Lauren™️ gingerbread man

FMLA to bond with my A I newborn

Today in "headlines that look like they were pulled indiscriminately from a bag of words" www.404media.co/anthropic-ex...

“Horticulture.” —“Like the study of plants and trees?” “No, whore de culture, study of whores.”

You all are so lucky I’m not susceptible to A I psychosis because it told me I have the BEST ideas and would have the MOST neurotic breakdown about my grand unifying theory of everything

Meditating for insight but it’s like hey can we hurry this divine revelation up I’ve got 15 minutes till my next meeting tysm

I just think that the easier word calculators make it for the bros snorting a cornucopia melange to write long form manifestos, the greater the premium on short, thoughtful communications.

I see that we have fully given up on the gun control debate and have moved on to... whatever this is. Maximizing survivability?

I take to Bluesky with the intellectual rigor of a scholar fresh from a Parisian academy seminar about describing carnivale through several decades of festival receipts in order to determine exactly what the hell all of you are talking about with this 5’7” discourse 🔍 🕵️‍♂️

In this essay I will combine that Harper’s viral piece on goo ning plus that equally viral explainer about romantasy in The Dridt and cross reference horny locker room butt to argue that—

read half of a book that whips ass today. sometimes that’s what it’s all about. keep dreaming and striving and you too someday can read a good book

BTW I just reread Borges’s Ficciones for the first time in 20 years so if you are looking for a hot take, THE TAKES ARE HOT

I always roll my eyes at the egomaniacal hubris of Warhol chatting himself up on the phone 24/7 until I get to Sunday night and I’m leaving 7 minute long voice messages to all my BFF Punches & Judyses and then I’m like, oh, I get it

It’s funny that there are two drinks called cider and they are both made from apples and yet are so completely different. And that mead is another drink entirely. Like — to be a 7th century monk, wow

The family that thirst traps together etc etc

They did him so wrong with this bubblegum pink lipstick

Ban the dramatic construct “it’s not x, it’s Y” from existence. Don’t get me started on the inanely recursive AI “conclusion” using three adjectives in a row, often offset by an em-dash.

To have the aura of the jazz fleutist in “California Dreamin’” or the cowbell percussionist — yes, even including Will Ferrell — in “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” They just don’t make esoteric instrumental solos like they used to (and don’t come at me about Lizzo, multi-hyphenates don’t count)

Rather than hire you with all my Wrapped / Recap / Remix details let me just say this: I'm sweet, and I'm icy and strange Indecisive, obsessive, I crave A glass of ice-cold champagne

i aspire to be like the final route heroine in a visual novel who constantly appears during other routes to vaguely hint at what the plot is before leaving

Texting someone earlier and almost used "erstwhile" when I meant to write "ersatz" (But didn't! Though not an intellectual I am also NOT a heathen.) Anyway now I want to find a way to turn my pre-dementia scatterbrain idiocy into a podcast. Working title: Malapropism Priapism. Who's with me.

So pleased I was able to find a way to convince my editor (who is also me, myself) to stet the phrase "gently fingering a baguette" stillandy.substack.com/p/hows-your-...

Oh no my thumb slipped and liked seven of your photos all at once

You know a bibliography hates to see me coming

Trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty

“It’s a fine line between choking and getting off,” @bubbasparky.bsky.social wisely

I am truly surprised at how Victorian Gen Z sensibilities are, particularly when it comes to hiding the ankle with athletic socks. Hashtag free the Achilles

This is not my first time reposting this and it will not be my last

Almost time

The eternal question: what percent of the grocery store population day before Thanksgiving will be grandmothers getting their last forgotten ingredients, harassed straight men avoiding their family, and/or cruising gay men

The irony is that he’s actually much more of a Sour Patch Kids fan than

Isn’t it funny when someone is so super friendly and happy to see you in private or at house parties but then gives you a cold shoulder in public? Like “I will only acknowledge your existence so long as I can derive social currency from your hotness or success or material wealth”

Listen, I find myself to be quite hilarious and charming