Explain it to me like I wasn’t listening at all the first time

I’m a creature of habit. Terrible, self destructive habits

She a baddie bro (bad person)

Oh so now I’m the bad guy just for being a bad guy

Thank god I can’t backflip I’d be doing that shit everywhere

Every once in a while I’ll wake up feeling a little too happy. Like calm down, it’s Tuesday

So Kanye DOES like fishsticks in his mouth

Imagine you’re being chased by a serial killer and he’s running after you with his hands in his pockets

Your secret is safe with me, I wasn’t listening

You can tell if someone likes you by the position of their legs. For example, if they’re over your shoulders they like you a lot

Apple featured photos be like, “look remember when you were happy and fit, you worthless piece of shit?”

Dating a crazy person is fun but exhausting. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told by several partners

“I hate to break it to you” just kidding I love to break it to you. Let me break your spirit with this crushing information

*American factory workers trying to build an iphone* “THE CHINESE BUILT THIS IN A CAVE WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS”

If you get most of your password right it should still work

When Mike gets you hard, make lemonade. or however that goes

The trick to surviving any economic downturn is being so poor already it doesn’t effect you at all

Sticking to a diet through the entire weekend requires a different kind of discipline

Pretending I have enough money and investments to actually care about what’s happening with the stock market

A good sneeze can alter the trajectory of your entire life

Tuesday through Wednesday is like some purgatory devoid of hope. Just when you’re thinking about ending it all, it’s Thursday and you can see the dim light of Friday at the end of the tunnel

If I gave any less of a fuck I’d be a cat

Every breath this beautiful Saturday morning feels like a quiet rebellion against the chaos of the week gone by

I persist just to prove my imaginary haters wrong

Wanna come over and get high while we read the Epstein files

You’d think I’d be more jacked from pushing this boulder up this hill every day

Setting the mood for her by spreading newspaper all over my living room floor and blasting Phil Collins

Religion totally makes sense on a Monday morning

Everything I’ve learned about my coworkers has been against my will

Woke up inching toward oblivion again.

Local cheeses. Fresh-baked pastries. A crate of organic apples for $10. Handmade soaps that smell like paradise. A guy with a banjo is playing nearby, and the coffee stand has $3 lattes made from beans roasted yesterday. You’re balls deep in this farmers market and about to bust

Any tips on being happy? For someone just getting into ignoring the horrors of everyday life

Sorry babe. If it ain’t a paid day off work, it ain’t a real holiday

Business in the front, party in the back, disaster everywhere else.

[grows apart from everybody]

Alexa, bring about the end

Taking a shit on the clock is how I stick it to the man. So yeah you could say I’m an activist

The masculine urge to be emotionally unavailable at all times even though it’s killing me inside and wrecking my life

The Super Bowl brings Saturday energy to Sunday which makes the following Monday extra painful

Whatever the outcome of the Super Bowl, I just hope all the players have fun

i hope i get reincarnated as a worm at least once

i promise me not following some of you back is not personal, i just get really committed to the bit

Not everything is a psyop but lowkey yes it is

In an alternate universe Kanye East is naked at the Grammys with his fully clothed wife

Happy Friday did your political meme save everyone yet

There’s something so unnatural about seeing a hot person waiting for the bus

Really counting on this coffee to change my entire perspective on life

But have you tried wallowing in despair about it?

Not to be dramatic but if the Chiefs win, God has truly abandoned us