If we all really want to help American soybean farmers, try DoorDash sushi. Each order comes with enough soy sauce packets to subsidize a small farm.

Helpful tip: If you have to go to a baby shower for someone you don’t like, get them baby clothes that are dry clean only.

Peanuts gave me very unrealistic expectations for therapy: drop in sessions without an appointment that only cost 5 cents?!? How was Lucy turning a profit??

Me: Why do you need so many guns? NRA: We need to be able to fight back if a tyrannical government starts coming for citizens and shooting at them. Me: (gestures around)

You know how different people can watch the same video of a baseball play and disagree whether the player was safe or out? We all watched a video and disagreed whether the car wheels were turned away in an attempt to get to safety or whether it’s ok to murder citizens in our streets. Tough call.

Make it viral.

It’s almost like the main takeaway from George Floyd for the fascists was to wear masks so they couldn’t be identified.

Yes, kosher salt might be a little more expensive, but I like to know that my spices were killed humanely.

Republicans: Washington should keep its nose out of my state and mind its own business. Also Republicans: it’s ok for our president to choose who leads other countries.

The only downside to my new taste testing social group that samples new flavors of kool aid is that even if I disagree with the group’s overall opinion on the new flavor, I still have to drink the kool aid.

If more than one person in a documentary mentions their group being “like a family,” it negates how similar they are to a real family. No family I know of talks at any length about how much they are family.

This is as easy a test of your belief in the American system as is conceivable: Should this be an acceptable argument from a president?

I smuggled a partridge in a pear tree in order to avoid the tariffs on it.

In line at TSA and seeing a TV recording playing our current head of DHS lecturing us about Real ID. Seems ironic that someone who has clearly changed their face from lots of plastic surgery would insist we all need more secure identification.

Before it accepts my money as payment, I’m going to need Apple to sign my new terms and conditions first.

When the Bible is taken enough out of context, Jesus can end up saying “Man cannot live by bread-.”

Well, I would’ve normally called a spade a spade anyways, but now that you said we should, it makes me think you had some other label in mind?

At what point will a collection of internationally renowned musical artists gather together to form a fundraising supergroup called “Africa for USA”?

I’m starting a conspiracy theory that McDonalds puts too much lettuce on a Big Mac to intentionally spill out of the box and distract from how small the sandwich actually is. Pass it on.

Jan 2025: Trump sworn in for a second presidential term and starts talking about making Canada the 51st state. 10 months later: Canada wins the World Series Was that the motivation they needed? Elbows up Canada!

You know what’s one of the great things about the No Kings protests today? No one is going to storm the U.S. Capitol.

When you’re making your #NoKings posters, remember… Donald Trump LOVES a good nickname.

@bradleywhitford.bsky.social Even Josh Lyman would not give such a foolish response to a genuine question, even if he was trying to form a secret plan to fight inflation: www.huffpost.com/entry/white-...

@pattonoswalt.bsky.social FYI: No Kings, Saturday, Westport CT 11 am-1 pm. Bridgeport CT 12:30-2pm.

If Christopher Columbus were alive today and recreated his life’s biggest tasks, ICE would be locking him up and sending him away.

The thing that stops law enforcement from walking up to any crime in progress and executing a suspect without a trial is due process. Without due process, police could execute at will. If undocumented folks are denied due process, what is currently stopping ICE from performing public executions?

Real post on another network:

I’m pretty sure within the fine print of the directions on a Tylenol bottle, under dosage, is a section of the Epstein files.

There are going to be some cringe Halloween costumes this year.

Did you know that in the 1988 movie Twins, that it wasn’t movie magic of Arnold playing two roles like they did with The Parent Trap. His brother is actually played by Danny Devito!

On Penn & Teller’s show Fool Us, they invite magicians to perform. Despite being very knowledgeable magicians, there are many videos of times they admit the guest did fool them with a trick. Real question: On Kirk’s show Prove Me Wrong, did he ever admit he was wrong and a guest was right?

“Let’s not speculate as to his motives”— Nah I remember 25 hours ago when you were happy to speculate without knowing anything at all, and now you know MORE but want to say less? Fascinating.

Only in America is the report of children being shot at school knocked out of the news by another shooting on the same day.

Live your life in such a way that folks don’t celebrate when you die.

This. Times a thousand. Again and again.

🔴 listen up ‼️ she told us 🐥

It’s conceivable that many ordinary people would do horrible, moral-compromising things when offered a million dollars. The difference is that the president already has millions of dollars and chooses to do these horrible things for money he doesn’t desperately need.

Would suck if at the US Open tomorrow chants of “Epstein” broke out while Trump was in the crowd.

WTAF.

If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk… and then somehow we got to here with military in the streets.

Republicans seem to think “just because someone was hanging out with a known criminal in the Caribbean doesn’t make them also a criminal”… until it comes to 11 Venezuelans on a boat.

The best possible chance for the US to ever convert to the metric system would be right now if someone told the president that metric votes actually count more.

.......

Is… is this the opposite of doomscrolling? What do we call this? Hopescrolling??

Parenthood seems to be a series of moments of being simultaneously proud and amazed that your toddler is suddenly capable of opening the fridge door and wanting to tell them *not* to open the fridge door.

Miss Rachel continues to have more of a moral backbone than 99% of public figures

at least he didn't do something truly reckless like try to forgive student loans