When I was a kid, I used to be inspired by the notion that “Anyone could be President.” Now it just feels like a warning.

The American people will not be shut down. #NoKings

They work for us… not the other way around. nokings.org

They’re freaking out, alright.

Greetings from War Ravaged Portland!

I heard this place sucks.

I heard this place really sucks.

Looking forward to the new TikTok app pushing safe and accurate content to American users— like the Epstein files.

What an enormously pathetic and frighteningly dangerous joke.

Can you imagine the insane pressure Trey Parker and Matt Stone are under right now?

If you ask me, they can no longer call themselves the American Broadcasting Company.

Age verification? "Yummy yummy in my tummy, that’s Beef-a-Roni… Beef-a-Roni, Beef-o-Getti, Beef-a-Roni, Beef-o-Getti… They’re both so goooood!"

We see you, we feel you, and we’re with you, Chicago.

"I love the smell of a full diaper after a fatal coronary..."

Serious question: Why haven’t we snapped? How much more stupidity and cruelty can we take?

Please, oh, please, oh, please...

This new Superman reboot with Dean Cain looks terrible

Let's donate the hell out of this. Right this minute nothing matters more.

I just hope our democracy lives long enough for somebody to come in and clean this shit up.

“Wanna see my room? These are my hats. This is my favorite one. Do you like Hot Wheels?”

I hated Richie Rich as a kid. I hate him even worse as an adult.

The guilty dog barks loudest.

Man, those were some epic quests, though.

It's like waiting to hear how a negotiation went between Hans Gruber and Ralph Wiggum. You already know. But somehow it will still be worse than you think.

You gotta love a good sandwich.

💯

I know that worms are eating his brain. But I still don’t understand.

I know this is an old complaint. But I still wish targeted advertising would fuck all the way off.

Hi. I’m a Democratic donor who immediately started blocking and reporting all of these texts as junk just as soon as Cheetolini “won.”

Been thinking a lot about how Superman calls his pal "Gary" when Gary asks him to. No interrogations, no deliberation, if his friend decides he would like to be referred to by a different name then he's down with that. It's literally the least he can do & it's a superpower we share with him. Decency

Whatever it takes to stay in power and out of prison.

I STILL KINDA KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER #MildHorror

I don't care if Bill Clinton, Dolly Parton or Jesus Christ himself is implicated in the Epstein files. Anyone who committed such crimes should burn. I believe that because I'm not in a cult.

PRO TIP: Mamdani should buy him a ticket.

When the trolling reaches perfection, by @governor.ca.gov.

>secret police rounding people up >abandoning our allies overseas >tariffs on everyone >NASA functionally no longer exists >USAID is gone >State is in a vegetative coma >DoD is in an Elbridge fever dream >the NSC is just three children in a trench coat >all we got out of this were fucking tax cuts

Am I the only one who remembers learning about the critical importance of the separation between church and state in Civics class?

The joke’s on us.

On second thought... scratch that.

I am grieving the barbarism that is going to unfurl from all this. People are going to die. Livelihoods gone. All to feed a corrupt kleptocracy. I see every day up close how different it is from the first time around. There are no guardrails. A disaster. I’m sorry we have to live through this.

A felon married to an immigrant is telling us that the problem is immigrants and felons.

Not even a hundred years later.

“Alligator” and “Alcatraz“ are both Spanish words— just like “Pendejos blancos racistos.”

WTAF?

Let’s just call it what it is.

I once had the privilege of sitting beside Mr. Wilder at a dinner party, and thanked him for “Double Indemnity,” “The Apartment,” and his whole body of work. “Ohh, dat’s sweet,” said the Master. “And what do you do?” “I’m a TV writer,” I humbly replied. “Ecch,” he said with a frown. “TV is shit.” 🤣👏

Just a quick reminder:

Had fun lending my voice to another comedy short from @echamp.bsky.social.