A painful journey today.

Not being northern on purpose but it's bonfire night and I'm outside wearing a t-shirt and it's temperature appropriate

Happy November #KeepOasisGoing

Someone needs to invent a raincoat for kids that has a hood that only covers the back of their head and comes off with the slightest breath of wind 👀

7 to 7.30pm is the lull between 2-10 year olds in nice costumes with parents watching on to teenagers in masks menacing for sweets

Just asked a trick or treater dressed as death if they were deaf, they said yes, so I said I'd speak up then. Was absolutely lost on them. I'm glad there were only packs of live hearts and Parma violets left in the tub!

Idea for next series of the traitors. Everyone is faithful, Claudia murders every night by random draw.

I suspect, and I'm speculating only based on the trailer, that the title of the film is going to be the only funny joke in the entire film. I could be wrong obviously.

I've heard he's been given £500 and a flight to Germany www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025...

Answers the door. A child says "trick or treat?" I say "Treat please" Grabs a sweets. Child crys. Shuts door Then parent knocks on door shouting at me.

Answers the door. A child says "trick or treat?" I say "what do you mean trickle treat? That makes no sense". Slams door.

Lads, bad news, McDonald's have gone woke; they've stopped accepting fake bank notes and are going to start reporting it to the police. Guess I'll be spending my Monopoly money in Burger King from now on.

Slag off AI all you like but if I want Joy Division in a fridge holding a shark, it nearly delivers

FYI this exists, Benidorm 1982 youtu.be/PfU6XX5XU4M?...

These guys looked chilled this morning

Just watched a day in the life of Erling Haaland, he basically trains, eats steak and drinks raw milk. Seems wholesome enough but raw milk?? Eek.

Don't forget to put your clocks forward and hour tonight. Remember it always with the coupler - fall forwards spring back

1982. Ambitious new researcher presents this, looking imploringly at Esther Rantzen. Without shifting her gaze, a disgusted Rantzen points aggressively at the laminated guidelines on the wall.

I get asked the most random questions at work. Last week, PR was in a rush needing a name badge printed. The contact I thought could help said they couldn't deliver in time, but then I remembered I do have a Dymo

Does anyone speak Polari, trying to translate these?

Signs I'm getting old and miserable. I design bits in shops, I used to go on 'store visits' to look at what others do see what I've done etc etc, now they don't call it this, they call it a 'retail safari' and I want to vom every time I hear it.

Just watched the 19th over of the cricket and thought England were on a low score but was shocked they did not seem to be going for it. Seems it's a ODI not a 20/20

Giving me TV am vibes youtu.be/gCA3RbhkSl4?...

Bought in 1999 for my mum, now over a year too late but it's the only clean cup.

Does anyone else just fast forward through all the gamey bits on the traitors coz they're absolutely boring as, am I missing out?

So just so you know, golden gate is the body of water the bridge traverses. The bridge is not golden, it's clearly red.

Going to open a shop that sells cars pets and beds called "carpetsbeds store" just so I can laugh at people who come in looking for carpets.

Love the press for help before 2pm on Saturday and the sorry the chat is open Monday - Friday on .gov.uk - I know these guys have rooms full of post it notes and figma boards but never spot the glitches

Would recommend Fisk on netflix. 25 mins episodes so you can binge

Caption compet. Page 3 for the interigensia Her dad ruined Chelsea I can see her balkans

No you're watching old world in actions on YouTube

Is there a flying ants day for ladybirds? Seem to be swarming today. Thants/Thadybird

Keep seeing an advert for Great British Fires and getting weird gammon vibes and wondering who's funding this nonsense.

You're stationary at a junction, there's 1 car in front of you. It suddenly turns on its hazard lights and rolls 30cm forwards. What do you do? I waited a second longer and was astonished to see the car split in two and turn both left and right. I simply muttered daft flash cunt & turned left.

Stevie wonder in the 80s was wild - was like a political see-saw, he had a hit with Ebony and Ivory and followed it up with the politically divergent Apartheid Lover. youtu.be/MpDM6ygsb20?...

Manchester United after they beat Chelsea

Diego Dalot personifies the John Mulaney skit, he's a horse in a hospital, he's taken ages to do a long throw, straight at a group of two Brentford players.

House of Special Brew, coming soon to Netflix.

Found a man eating spider, which was lovely.

Yeah I support ID CARDS: I f it’s D anny John Jules C hris Barrie A nd Craig Charles in R ed D warf and the man from S crapheap challenge 😎

Reminder you can sell anything from a vending machine - even Top Trumps

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

You (they) do know that pregnant womens only pain medication is generally paracetamol right? That's what these men are doing.

'C'mon then - does thou want it' and low - the first haymaker was thrown by these bad bastards. 1794 oil on canvas

Football chat. Surprised Ruben Amorin didn't take his keeper off so he could stick with his 3-4-3 #mufc _aside the referee is more powerful than the pope!

Football chat, the new premier league ball looks like a raw cabbage. #mufc

Just remembered that you used to poke people on Facebook! Not an accusation at you dear reader, I should have said 'poke'.... or did you you dirty... nevermind. Anyway the past was weird.

Ooh…

"Dave, did you write the copy for the new parchment paper product" "Yup" "Did you get weird about birds again?" "..."

Roses are red Quite silver, the birch