Trust the Arsenal fan to stray offside.

ausi sunt. fecerunt.

Come on then. audere est facere

I’ve written this for the Times: ‘I haven’t slept in my own bed for over a year.’ You could say I’ve put my back into parenting, and also put my back out. www.thetimes.com/article/681c...

I’m fulfilling two dreams this Bank Holiday weekend: presenting Pick Of The Week on Sunday and guesting on Great Lives on Monday, celebrating the ingenious Peter Cook. Catch them both on @bbcradio4 or @bbcsounds. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Sad to see signs of kids shooting up.

I had a blast reporting on the Boat Race. And I even got the names of the winners right.

I called it. Spurs should get a guest manager in every week like Have I Got News For You. Harry Redknapp, Glenn Hoddle, Stephen Mangan, Sue Perkins, ChatGPT - give them a game each. At least it’d be fun. www.theguardian.com/football/202...

England are playing 4D Chessum.

Fancy a challenge?

How’s this for a storyline: Tudor gets sacked. Poch does a press conference saying he can’t in good conscience manage the USA while Trump embarks on illegal wars, quits and rejoins Spurs to save them at the last minute. That’d be good.

I said get a guest manager in every week. Not a guest goalie.

Me on Spurs in today’s Guardian: www.theguardian.com/football/202...

I picked a bad week to be a Spurs and England rugby fan.

Apology accepted. (I don’t have Tourette’s, but I did watch his opening monologue.)

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me.

BREAKING: Peter Mandelson stole concrete mixers. And monster trucks. According to my four-year-old.

🤔

Spurs are being run by a British general from the First World War.

My life used to be very different.

I’ll say this for HMRC. Compared to banks and doctors’ surgeries, their hold music is a banger.

In a flash of inspiration, this morning my sleep-addled brain twigged that our boiler whirrs at the same pitch, tempo and timbre as the opening to Does Your Mother Know by ABBA. My day may have peaked early.

We have a daughter! Penelope was born under the new year’s super moon. She has a furry back so she might be a were-baby, but in a world of portfolio careers this is an extra plus point. She’s incredibly cute and worth all the sleep deprivation. Sarah is a doubly heroic mummy and we’re all in love.

If you watch Industry, I’m in the opening scene of tonight’s episode. Sort of…

All right - I've done a comedy writer and producers starter pack for everyone who's into that sort of thing. And YES, I've forgotten you, so remind me that you exist and YES I will put you on it (unless you have slighted me in some unremembered way in the last 20 years). go.bsky.app/AkQCH7U

Been a busy Christmas: producing Have I Got 2025 For You, presenting on Times Radio, producing a festive Unspeakable, ‘helping’ Count Binface interview Susie Dent, and Into The Sharkiverse getting a repeat airing. Time for a new production, of the human kind. Due any day.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE! Give your loved ones (including yourself) the ultimate gift for 2026: join Count Binface Lifts the Lid, the finest newsletter in the galaxy! countbinface.substack.com/p/a-space-al... Subscribe today for a special glimpse into Christmas future… CB X

Another masterpiece.

For Rob Reiner.

I’ve been collaborating with @classicsforall.bsky.social who do fantastic work bringing Latin and Classics to state primary and secondary schools. It’s amazing how much the kids love it and how it boosts learning. A very worthy recipient in the Big Give: donate.biggive.org/campaign/a05...

Beat this.

What the hell is this doing in a BBC News story? 1. Cut the flippancy FFS. 2. We assume you check EVERYTHING. 3. Pre-school kids know an ichthyosaurus is a fish dinosaur, so it’s not rocket science to guess an ichthyocentaur might be a fishy centaur. Jeez.

Why Ashes cricket is as epic as the Iliad and Odyssey. My new piece in the Guardian: www.theguardian.com/sport/the-ni...

Man City? Guardiola? Haaland? Ezey Peasy. Who needs a Gooner anyway? We. Are. Top of the league. #COYS

Still the best news story of all time.

I can’t say I’ve ever previously spent a Sunday morning chatting about Sydney Sweeney with Jane Mulkerrins and Anneka Rice, but I’d do it again in a heart-beat! #nonemoreblonde #tokenbrunette

@martincloake.bsky.social Hi Martin, I'm writing a piece about football mottos and I wonder if you can help with a Spurs question. I'm trying to find out when the club adopted audere est facere, but there's no definitive answer on the web. Might you know? Any help would be amazing. Best wishes, Jon

@mrjonharvey.bsky.social Saw Unspeakable being recorded at The Cockpit Theatre tonight. Great guests, great format. Even the producer was funny.

Happy Jaws Day! It surfaced in cinemas 50 years ago today. My little contributions to this epic anniversary: Into The Sharkiverse: my 60min documentary about Jaws and shark fiction on BBC Radio 4: www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/... My Guardian piece: www.theguardian.com/film/2025/ju...

I hope Thomas Frank gets better treatment at Spurs than Ange did. Especially in the souvenir scarf department.

It's 10 years since we lost Dan. My only brother, my oldest friend. I've got married, had the most amazing little boy, become a space warrior by mistake, run for election 6 times, and most incredibly of all, Palace have won the cup. Miss you bro x www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYpa...

Join me on @bbcradio4 now for a Jawstastic deep dive… Into The Sharkiverse!

Just when you thought it was safe to switch on your radio, I’ve made an epic homage to Jaws and Sharksploitation for Radio 4: Into The Sharkiverse, tonight at 8pm and then on BBC Sounds.

This is tonight on BBC Radio 4 at 8pm: Into The Sharkiverse! My hour-long deep dive into 50 years of Jaws and sharksploitation. Features Ghost Shark, Rob Shark, Sharkenstein, Shark Exorcist and many more! www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m...

Big week for me on the airwaves: Tues 6.30pm: I’ve produced Unspeakable for BBC Radio 4 Fri 7-10pm: I’m presenting on Times Radio. Sat 8pm: My 60min documentary Into The Sharkiverse airs on Radio 4. Plus Count Binface interviewing Ian Rankin, Mark Gatiss and Susie Dent!

I dread to think what PSG are going to do to Spurs in the Super Cup. 🫣 #uclfinal

my favourite line in @mrjonharvey.bsky.social’s stand-up show, sudden death, was where he described sport as “an epic story, which all of us are privileged to see some of, but none of us can ever hope to see all of”. it carries on, and that’s the point.

Spurs and Palace in the same week. Mad. I can’t tell you how much I wish I could tell Dan I just one-upped him.