I’m an HR professional tasked with bolstering our company’s weed culture

Happy Grab a Cop’s Gun Wednesday! Everyone grab a cop’s gun to celebrate

(At the pharmacy trying to pick up my prescription but I can’t remember what it’s called) it’s a pill about the same size as a tooth. White like the color of a tooth. When you shake the bottle it rattles around like container of loose teeth. This ringing any bells?

I’m smoking weed with Rick Moranis. I invited a bunch of other dudes but he’s the only one who showed up

Hey man sorry for cumming so quick you just look so baller tonight

Sorry I can’t make it to your party, I’m meeting a work colleague for a business pee

Getting the ick on a first date after watching him fumble to bring up his favorite horseshoe crab video

Going to the plastic surgeon and asking for Peter griffin’s chin

It doesn’t matter if you have a small dick. It matters why. Likely you sinned greatly in a past life

Using /j to indicate that I’m jacking off (/suckin)

Just took a severe blow to the head. Nothing a little shuteye won’t fix

Going to the circumcision doctor and asking if he can do a fade

I’d go meat for meat with Dracula he doesn’t scare me

I wrote down on a job application that I’m gay and now they want me to “prove it”??

Let’s get you milked, homie!

Pregaming at the bar before I go home to drink all the beer there

Yea I’m asexual. A Sexual Guy! 😂 anyway thanks for letting me me stay in your basement the divorce is NOT going well

Hey my buddy The Sexual Acquaintance thinks you’re cute and wants to know your full address is that ok

Waiting on the grinch to try some shit

I don’t need a therapist, I have my mold spores

Sorry I can’t hang out tonight I have to stay home and give names to all the floaters in my eyes

standing up in front of the american flag to read a list of penis facts i found online

I was just killed over a period of several years

Many people’s main concern is whether or not they have heard a peep

Sorry, my balance is a little off from the surgery I just had to install this large dorsal fin

(My urologist sealing a ruler inside a plastic tube) we’ll send this off to the lab and your results will be back in a few days

Opening a strip club that only plays Grouper

Are you seriously going to to talk to me like that when I’m clearly mommy’s special boy?

Hey man just so you know when we shook hands earlier I could tell from your grip that your pineal gland is completely fucked

The average person swallows 8 spiders per year in their sleep but I just got the rest of my life’s worth out of the way at once so I should be good

Job interview tip: don’t move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer might think you’re only after one thing

(Trying to intimidate a guy at the bar) what’s up Mr pretty mouth. Where’d you get those lips, the good kisser store?

(Gently tapping your balls) nice. What’s the torque on these bad boys?

(Extremely dry man) your drinks, soups, and broths are safe with me

The Man Who Felt Unusual

My baby teeth fell out and revealed a set of even babier teeth

Smoking a cigarette sideways like a flute

He let me hit it because of my nuanced and heterodox views on a wide variety of subjects

6 year old me was really cooking when I drew this

you ever have one of those farts that just so happens to go on so long as to generate the precise analog fax tones to send a resume to the CIA?

(Completely unaware that I died for 3 full minutes in my sleep last night) I’ve been good today I deserve a diet coke

Please, Mr. Beverage Director was my father. call me Michael

I’m sorry miss jackson, I am four eels

Texting my barber “looks great” in the middle of a haircut

strange methheads in the woods near you would love to borrow your phone

I’m outside of most of your homes right now

I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to being shot with a beam that conveys me to shadow realm, but I don’t think it would be the best outcome in terms of my career advancement

I’m tossing around a little gnome from hand to hand like a hot potato and he’s loving it. Can’t stop laughing. I’m smacking his ass a little too

People keep talking about my new ass. They keep saying stuff like “wow look at that huge ass” but it’s the same ass I’ve always had. It’s just that the rest of my body is way smaller now (from the experiments the aliens did on me)