My mom still has my hair from my first haircut when I was a child, all women are part witch.

If you mail some teeth to the courthouse, they'll excuse you from jury duty

Happy International Women's Day

Tonight be sure to set your clocks in the middle of a highway because time is made up.

Easter candy is my absolute fave but 3 bags of Reese's eggs/bunnies and a pack of Cadbury eggs was probably too much? I think? Let's find out.

My job mailed out boxes of Insomnia Cookies to all of us today for Employee Appreciation Day and I never got mine, am I fired?

Idiocracy

Went to a Warby Parker store and got a new pair of glasses but won't receive them for 2 weeks, how am I supposed to get my instant gratification?! 😫

Grabbed a purse I haven't used in a while and it had a piece of Snickers candy in it leftover from a festival I went to with my nephews so that was a nice surprise. Almost as good as finding money in the pocket of a coat you haven't worn in a while.

Coworker talking about a football team: "They've had like 25 years of misery." Me: "Same." Her: "I mean, year after year it just keeps getting worse for them." Me: "Also same."

If you were wondering about my mental state lately, the attendant working in the grocery store self-checkout area told me I did a great job as I was leaving and I almost cried.

It was too cloudy in CT to see the eclipse but I knew she was there.

One of my favorite places to hide in and a truly safe space for me, Whitlock's Book Barn in CT, is closing this spring and I'm devastated. An old barn on a horse farm that's full of old books. It was paradise. I always left with a handful of books. We are truly losing all of our culture.

Dignified af

These guys were selling t-shirts until they needed a war to cover up the intentional damage they did to the economy and the president's involvement in a pedophilia scandal.

Today at the grocery store a woman mistook me for someone she knew and gave me such a warm smile and wave that I almost wanted to pretend to be whoever she thought I was.

New Mitski music is out but I'm not in the right state of mind to listen right now so maybe in a couple of weeks.

things every single republican president of your lifetime has done - started a war in the middle east - completely destroyed the economy

At age 94, William Shatner is releasing a heavy metal album. It's never too late to rock, folks.

I keep pulling stuff like this and I feel like my life is about to change tremendously.

I started watching Dark Matter and it's basically a darker, more dramatic Sliders and now I miss that show.

So many people should be in therapy, it's crazy.

"She locked the door but she left the key under the mat" is such a perfect lyric, I love this song: youtu.be/cTHsxngErx0?...

The morning after a snowstorm always has my favorite shade of blue:

🎵 You see, I’ve been through the desert on a

Whenever a butterfly sneezes we lose power here but put us in a blizzard with 40mph wind gusts all night and we're fine. Definitely not complaining, it just makes me giggle.

Woke up this morning to another foot and the snow alien wearing a snappy new snow hat and coat.

Celebrating "Gotcha Day" with each of my friends to honor the day they adopted me.

Lemon balm tea is magic, it feels like my nervous system is wrapped in a cozy blanket.

Every meteorologist right now:

Tonight for dinner I took a casserole dish and filled it with sliced leeks, mushrooms, shallots, cannellini beans, garlic, and spinach topped with chicken breasts, olive oil, white wine, the juice of a lemon, and various seasonings and baked it in the oven. A+ would do it again (no photo, was ugly).

I love how we went from a storm mostly missing us to a full-fledged blizzard with a foot of snow literally overnight here in CT. Meteorologists are a joke.

Felt cute, might blow up the world later.

I usually roll my eyes at trendy health hacks but seriously starting the day with a cup of hot water is fantastic.

Tonight's $15 cocktail with a silly name: Sage Against the Machine

I remember when a $100 gift card to a restaurant would get a couple a pretty extravagant dinner but these days it's like "can we also get an app AND drinks with this?"

So inspiring seeing other countries actually prosecute their criminals no matter how "important" they are.

I'm learning tarot now everybody so get ready cause I'm about to become even more insufferable.

the hot tub validates humanity’s inherent desire to become stew

Was watching the Anne Murray episode of The Muppet Show and noticed that Kermit introduced her performance of "Snowbird" as his favorite song so that's just canon in my mind now. He sings along to it in the car. He's got it playing on a loop in his earbuds on a flight.

What if the Ash Wednesday ashes are made from people?

lent and ramadan kicking off on the same day

I love how whenever I almost forget about U2 they just appear with a bunch of songs.

Maybe one day I'll sleep through the night again. And then maybe experience joy again.

We need studies on how unhealthy parasocial relationships skyrocketed from podcasting. Some of these comment sections are downright creepy. These people are not your friends, you just watch their show. Unless you actually know them in person, stop baiting them to interact with you and go outside.

Me in my 20s would be so ashamed to see how weak I make my coffee now 😪

Really liking this song and video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6ox...

I was only 16 when I worked at a CVS and I am so glad that they didn't sell sex toys back then because I just know people are being so creepy about it now. It was already bad enough when I had to work the 1-hour photobooth (omg so much nudity).

Beltran the Snow Alien has returned for another winter.

I feel like the snowboarding announcers at the Olympics are just making up trick names as they go along, they're like "here he comes with a backside 360 stomach grab moose foot buttspinner" and everyone's just like "yes, these are things."