Golf is the purple of sports. People think it ought to be classy, but it isn’t.

I’m at the Queen’s Hall in Edinburgh to see Peter Hammill (of Van der Graff Generator) Unlike my usual gig experience, I seem to have lowered the average age of the audience

Wordle. That’s not a word.

“Good morning. May I speak with Mr iPhone Repairs please?”

I had a brief but vivid dream last night that I’d been promoted into an executive role in a glossy New York firm. My job title? CFO. No. Not Finance. Fart. I was Chief Fart Officer

All of this. 100%

Absolute armhole

Every morning I get up at 6:30 so that I can sit about drinking coffee for an hour with a cat on my lap

Clearly a film about a happy, friendly train.

Does the green group in Connections make any sense to anyone?

St Michael at the Pearly Gates: So, were you *born* here?

What? You *didn’t* rapture?

Remember, if you’re predicting the rapture and it doesn’t happen, it probably did: it’s just you’re evil.

Trump: Cows have four legs. Therefore all things with four legs are cows. This desk is a cow.

Breaking: potatoes cause autism

Trump: We have evidence that autistic children are born to mothers who eat potatoes when pregnant. We are recommending that potatoes are banned

Rather than deport hundreds of thousands of tax payers, how about we get back some of that bailout money from the banks whose stock we bought and then sold at a loss. They seem to be doing ok now don’t they? And we could seek recompense for theVIP lane PPE we bought that turned out to be useless

Apparently - sadly - it is.

I think I’ll fill the time between now and dinner time with eating.

Bring it

President Johnson, in a November 9, 1968 letter to the Smothers Brothers: “It is part of the price of leadership of this great and free nation to be the target of clever satirists . . . May we never grow so somber or self-important that we fail to appreciate the humor in our lives.”

I hate telling this story, but when tear gas is in the news... telling always feels importantm Tear gas is an abortifacient. When I was tear gassed, we were trying for a baby. The following day, I bled in a way I never have before. Like no period of my life before or since. Horror movie stuff.

Why are all AI generated cartoons beige?

Feel the burn

Well, I was supposed to be home from Ireland today. But we were over the Atlantic when the plane developed a problem and we had to return to Dublin. A bit scary, of course. When we landed, an airport manager came on board, apologized, and explained to us the EU/UK passenger bill of rights.

You can’t criticise Charlie Kirk because of woke.

“There are no burgers on this menu. I want to see the manager”

Been listening to James Brown. And whilst he never forgot to come and pick me up from nursery he still maintains he’s a bad mother.

Injecting some levity by sharing one of my favourite memes of all time

Not that anyone is listening but I was gratified to see that someone with a bit more courage than me has ripped them down.

"…and Magda Goebbels made a great strudel.”

I ate mushrooms this morning. It was the breakfast of champignons

Are there ANY photos of Trump where he doesn’t look like he’s doing a slightly larger jobbie than he’s entirely comfortable with?

Hard-core lawn bowls in Edinburgh.

Disappointing to discover that you can’t buy flags like this.

You know how Germany and South Africa have had to (and still are) coming to terms with the dreadful things they’ve done? It seems like the US is an example of what a country is like when they refused to go through that process Looks like they’re gearing up for yet another dreadful thing to regret

Killing another person in cold blood makes you an absolute wanker. Even if the person you killed was a wanker first.

I was rather pleased with this 2022 rendition of Liz Truss meeting the Queen

Seen some flags going up near me. My gut feeling is that I should take them down. Good idea or asking for trouble?

There's a lot of pressure for authors not to say this but I'm going to say it: please do NOT buy my books from Amazon. Buy them from indie bookshops. Buy them from @bookshop-org-uk.bsky.social. Buy them from @blackwells.bsky.social. Buy them from @waterstones.bsky.social. Do not buy them from Satan.

When I was a bookseller we had a publishers rep who was fond of ordering spinners for us - those hopeless rotating displays into which the books are slotted. We had about 15 in the stock room so I hired a van and took them to his house and left them on his front lawn in the middle of the night.

Everyone just get the “Farage is still a cunt” alert?

Do zombies manufacture nerve gas? I had no idea there was more to them than shambling about looking for brains to eat

It feels peak Trump to pave a rose garden, remove all the roses and continue to call it a rose garden.

The news increasingly seems to be a choice of “Cunt does cunty thing” Or “Why the cunty thing is not cunty” by A Cunt.

The thing I like about a Malted Milk is that you can keep one in your wallet with your credit cards.

So Angela Rayner has had to step down has she? Well I suppose Farage better follow suit then.

Fantastic

The finest response I've seen so far.