Civil war II, World War III, wtf ♾️

Golly gee, it sure would be swell to be on the 'winning' side right now, or even the folks placing bets from the sidelines! But shucks!- here I am with everyone else on the defense, planning trials and splicing rope.

The National Guard has been mobilized to protect people from another government agency. Feels civil war- ish.

Talking to my teenage sons about WW3, Civil War 2, and upcoming semester exams. So much winning

Tomorrow… it shall be two years to the day that we lost the wonderful, inimitable TG, a friend to so many in our delightful Twitter community, back in the day. 💔🕯️🕊️

A proud boy and an ice agent walk into a bar. "Table for 1?" the greeter asks.

Hmmmm ….. 🤔

She still had a pulse

What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't... quit.

If I ever get arrested for murder, you’ll know that one less bot with three followers is still alive.

Disassociation is coming in clutch for 2026

It hasn't even been 1 year

I bullied Simone Biles into giving me one of her gold medals. Now I'm an Olympian.

All third-world dictators wear medals they didn’t earn.

Water balloons are fun. The other thing I've been thinking about is how chilly it's supposed to get in Minneapolis. Completely unrelated.

These idiots really believed the $50,000 signing bonus would be all at once and without strings attached?

A proud boy and an ice agent walk into a bar. "Table for 1?" the greeter asks.

Any wine moms out there who want to organize a gang with me?

Someone's going to make him a suit from magic cloth only the wise can see

We're the fucking bitches you couldn't shoot

That moment when your political party's platform is gaslighting and grift, protecting pedos, consolidating control, impoverishing the (relatively) poor... are we great now?

After watching the trailer, I've decided to skip 2026

There's some big FIFA Peace Prize energy this morning, right?

Wild idea I just had, but what about if we investigate/prosecute them all from the Epstein drop? Crazy if valid

I'd like to thank AI for immensely reducing the amount of time I spend looking at cute animal videos on instagram or facebook 😒

We could've had VP Tim Walz sharing his Thanksgiving dressing recipe right now, but no

I'm tired of seeing the term underage girls, underage women. Children -- say children. They are preying on children.

Who among us hasn't -accidentally- nominated a child sex offender for Attorney General? Oh, most of us.

That Epstein thing sure blew over, huh?

I got this yarn called Impeachment and I think it's pretty perfect

Due to the rising cost of everything, Walmart will be changing their store-brand line to Mediocre Value

Is it just me or have the fun-sized candy bars gotten less fun-sized?

The good news is the “Student Loan Forgiveness” program at ICE isn’t likely to cost the taxpayer much at all.

Due to the rising cost of beef, we are renaming it: Helper

That’s a trillion dollar increase in two months.

I asked my boss if I could hang some stuff in my office but he wanted to check the terms of our lease first. So instead I told him I'll just put some stuff on the whiteboard, not touch the walls or anything. And then I bulldozed the entire building.

Has anyone checked lately to see if the gold is still at Fort Knox?

I asked my boss if I could hang some stuff in my office but he wanted to check the terms of our lease first. So instead I told him I'll just put some stuff on the whiteboard, not touch the walls or anything. And then I bulldozed the entire building.

"But other presidents changed the White House!" Yes and British troops who burnt it down during the War of 1812 were merely renovating

Hey kids, I just got my payout for attending the No Kings rally! -$4.99, also known as the cost of a sheet of posterboard. I can't wait til the next one! 💵💵💵

Alanis never covered "there's an AWS outage but your job uses Teams"

It's a lovely day to support democracy. #NoKings

I was stunned today to learn that Mitch McConnell isn’t dead yet.

Who's with me marching on Saturday? The first No Kings day was my first protest, but it won't my last. Let's go!

So, like, are active shooter drills at churches the solution? Because that’s what they decided for schools.

Fascist is as fascist does

Is there a level beyond Dystopian Times? Is it Tristopian?

Facebook Marketplace is bringing unexpected joy to my day

America was given Project 2025 in writing and failed an open book test. In case you didn’t know, Brendan Carr was one of the authors.

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." —Theodore Roosevelt