The times when everyone is wondering If It Happened are the best times on here

TIL that ICE stands for Incredibly Comic Erections

I’m sick of this will they won’t they shit, just put me in the gulag already

Remember those halcyon days of youth when our only problems were when the Mad King told us to inject bleach

Thicker Kicker!!!

Just found two snowflakes that are exactly alike. My neighbor is a snow scientist and he's over here losing his mind.

First day on a new planet. So many conflicting thoughts as I stare up at a sky with two suns. Should have packed a hat, is one... and maybe fewer sundials.

When I don't understand a new internet fad I just think, "Oh well, that's not for me" and carry on about my day.

i'm on the senate floor, jar jar binks is saying they'll agree to increase clone production in return for better training and camera impants. masterful gambit from the Naboo delegate.

Having sensory issues means there’s a woman who I love more than anyone else in the whole world and I can’t be in the same room as her when she’s eating toast

hearing from sources that people in minneapolis are dropping pianos on ice agents and then the ice agents’ teeth become piano keys

I want fewer of my coworkers to have my email address

To the tune of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle theme song: “this won’t make your kids respect you, this won’t make your kids respect you, this won’t make your kids respect you, Nazis in a face mask, micro penis!”

Now, I know the news may *seem* bad but that’s only because everything *is* bad

the problem with an untrained secret police squad that shoots people in their cars isn’t that they’re untrained

sitting upright and for what???

Called my republican mom a nazi again today

Don’t tread on me and all that

feeling despondent not good for make joke to imaginary friend

It’s so weird to have a beautiful and peaceful life in a collapsing empire thrashing around in its death throes. Wonder how long this will last

forgetting the word Domesticated and telling people at this party raccoons have gotten "more coachable." at some point i start adding "over the offseason" which i don't think raccoons even have yet

I keep switching insurance companies and now both State Farm and Geico pay me $900 a month

Pulling the old “make a sandwich with my hand between 2 slices of bread,” trick & then actually eating the hand sandwich & it’s pretty good but then, oh no, I have eaten my valuable irreplaceable hand.

no i’m not “detail oriented” that’s where the devil is

I poo in garbage can?

My dog died suddenly on Friday and I’m so incredibly sad

in movies the stack of babies in a trenchcoat always retreat when they are found out. stand fast, stack of babies, you are scary

I can’t believe how stupid everything is

Are we the baddies?

bluesky branding refresh unveiled

My posts are neither good nor shit, but a secret third thing

Truly evergreen thing to say to me

I learned today that it’s kind of stupid to point out when there’s a paywall because duh

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

I’m not on a subway, but here’s my take: as long as billionaires exist, it should be legal to steal from them and anything they have even partial ownership of

if you have a small hound dog mutt that's an everything beagle

My 2yo nephew is here for Christmas and asked his mom “where did home go?” 😂😂😂

The internet is bad out there today

Pizza

Thought I saw a delicious pizza in the creek, shimmering up at me, but it turned out to be fool’s pizza—a big disc of iron pyrite that just looked like pizza, & tasted, at best, like a stale focaccia.

I love the thrift store because for $8 I can dress like someone I wouldn’t want to talk to

A lot of alt text is like “you know, it’s that image we’ve all seen”

I met my wife at the soft opening of a new Burger King they put up in six weeks off the on ramp

I’ve never seen a wetter man than Joel Embiid 6 minutes into a game

Every Christmas card has a note with some variation of “everything was beautiful and nothing hurt”

I’m so flattered whenever someone from near or far moves to Wisconsin. I love it here, and I love it when someone from California or Kenya or Honduras or wherever chooses to be here and loves it too. It’s seems so strange to me to love a place and not want to share that with people.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Alls you gotta do to lose weight over the holidays is to get hospitalized with pneumonia (or I suppose any number of other infectious diseases) easy peasy

Merry Christmas rich people are going to hell and happy holidays!