1/3-When I say something like, “I wish Trump would trip and fall on the hood of a vintage ‘67 Dodge Dart, driving the radio antenna up his nose and into his brain, making his eyes roll back in his head until the whites turn bright pink, and he loses all muscle control

[Pearly Gates] Donald Trump: I belong in heaven because — St. Peter: [punches dude's head off his neck]

Pepsi is the Christian rock of sodas.

My God, what if it was actually a Hitler staffer that was racist this whole time?

“It’s not racist. It was just a video depicting democrats as characters from The Lion King”. Oh really? What were the names of the two monkey characters? I don’t think I remember them.

It gonna be weird for him to justify losing an election to a mob of paid agitators.

So there’s murder in the files?

Fixed it

I guess I have tickets for the new Melania documentary? …oh wait, I misheard my doctor and thankfully it’s just skin cancer.

Stephen Cheung looks like a testicle that made a witch mad.

I think it’s pretty telling that even the slightest emergency at the White House causes us all to get our Champgne sabres ready. They’re gonna have to put his motherfuckin’ tombstone on the Moon to keep everybody from shitting on it.

I cannot wait until he's given the opportunity to ask him personally. I hope it's soon.

I don't know, Greg? Why don't you enlighten us since you seem to have first hand information.

Slam this in my veins!

Charlie Kirk would really hate that he has this one thing in common with Martin Luther King.

Crazy. I wondered why we haven't seen Patriot Front, 3% or Oath Keepers marching in the streets. It's because they're all at work.

More of this

More of this

Guy who continually triples the budget of a ballroom we’ll never see.

“HAHA! ‘Cause he’s black. Get it?” (Finger guns. Elbows guy next to him)

So that’s what happens when you treat colon cancer with Ivermectin? Rest in whatever.

Can’t Understand the lack of Nuanced Thought that goes into an answer so depraved.

These motherfuckers can not be allowed to just integrate back into society. When this is over they need to not only be prosecuted but exiled.

just found out there's a Butthole Cut of Song Sung Blue where they all have realistic CGI buttholes

Let’s go ahead and come back around to this in 30 days.

The clearly visible camera people filming him.

Greenland did Nazi this coming.

More of this!

Find someone who looks at you the way Trump looks at the back of his eyelids whenever a General is talking.

@schumer.senate.gov You need to retire. You’re about as useful as a urinal in a convent.

Buddy, hope left the building, went to lunch, had 4 margaritas and a bloody mary, got into a fight with the server, was tossed through a window, severed an artery, had its leg amputated, spent three nights in ICU, got divorced, defaulted on the mortgage, and is living in a van down by the river

Jesus fucking Christ…this guy just invaded a country for its resources and he’s trying to pause for a laugh line.

If it was simply about freeing the people from a tyrannical dictator, explain to me why we didn’t go into North Korea, Russia, Turkey, Saudi Arabia or China?

I need the most late-Romanov vibes you have. Oh no, that's too late-Romanov.

No matter how shitty things were this year, at least none of us are in the Epstein files.

Stephen Miller looks like Pennywise if he had to put on makeup to take his kids Back To School shopping.

And immediately after being sworn in, he will launch nuclear missiles at the San Andreas Fault and Hackensack, New Jersey.

Oh, is THAT why my premiums just went through the roof?

I think Marjorie Taylor Greene is a hateful scumfuck, but it’s also great to watch her turn MAGA heel and irritate Trump. It’s okay to believe both things. Nuance is key. #mtg

I honestly don’t know what side anybody is even on anymore. Everyone’s a fuckin’ wildcard.

LIFE HACK! don't say you were jacking off when you were at Haunted House

“Russia just wants Ukraine to be safe. That’s why he’s been sending them so many missiles.”

God: I can't help noticing Jesus has Joseph's nose Mary: [laughs nervously] What a strange coincidence

Happy Holidays! IYKYK

Marxists: AI is a technology for capital to crush labor power and take control of everything. Sensible people: this is doomerism and hysteria. Navarro: AI is a technology for us to crush labor power and take control of everything.

you've heard of Elf on the Shelf but are you ready for Elf Shit Behind Your Books

Okay Howard, let’s try this same math with height.

"...and now, to speak on gender affirming care, the dad from from Todd Solondz's "Happiness"".