"Condoms"

My uncle yelled Hakas at me as I walked past him and I was so confused and thought:

Me (showing nephew pics from Chile trip): and who's that? Nephew: Uncle Teddy in a really funny looking hat! Why are you wearing a silly hat Uncle Teddy!?! Me: HA HA - I just like to be silly I guess. *😢 removes travel hat from wardrobe*

Louisiana, welcoming you to its state:

Dacula, Ponce De Leon, Cairo, Albany, Houston (County or Mill), Dahlonega, Hoschton, Vienna, Martinez

Them: what are you going to do with yourself during the government shutdown. Me (at 10am on a Wednesday): I'll figure something out.

Th gargoyle on the left has Kash Patel eyes

Does the administration know that Firestone is selling these DEI tires?

Bo knows but Diddy did it/cars, jewels and fancy homes yo Diddy did it/Shootouts, coastal beefs yeah Diddy did it/But my lawyer's so good that Diddy got acquitted* - Diddy *Some exclusions may apply

Please join me in congratulating Woman on her appointment

This is all an egregious violation of our norms and laws but also an incredible tell that they know this is a losing fight for them

JFC

It's Obamacare health insurance prices — and how much help 24 million Americans will get with their premiums — that are in dispute.

Some federal agencies (HUD, USDA, HHS, DOJ) are actively engaging in Hatch Act violations on their websites by blaming Democrats for the shutdown. Here's how to file a complaint: osc.gov/Services/Pag...

Has anyone ever seen Ronald McDonald and Donald Trump in the same place at the same time?

The is currently the front page of hud dot gov #hatchact

Me: My email could not have been more clear. Me (after re-reading my email): 😬 what the fuck was I talking about?

My mom wouldn't let us call people dummy or stupid either. Or weird "they're just different than you." Both parents required correct anatomical and medical terms. No poop or pee. But you could say "bm"

Do the law professors know about this?

Sazerac Wednesday and Old-Fashioned Friday

If we are about to go to war with Russia I feel like we should all get the day off tomorrow. As a little treat.

In unfortunate news, I am still here.

Goodbye sky friends! #sotd

I hate to be the one to tell y'all but the rapture already happened and we are in the great tribulation now.

I can't see or hear The Holy Spirit without immediately thinking the holy spigot?

AI is not ready to steal my job yet.

Excellent negotiation strategy. Go on television and admit you're going to capitulate in advance. I hope and pray this strategy works.

"It's cool to get on the computer but don't let the computer get on you." - Prince

The kids don't know that Willow Bay was a model in the 80s and a tv journalist in the 90s. I hear her name and immediately think of NBA Inside Stuff with Ahmad Rashad.

*scrolls by in GenX*

Could have just crossed out the no

Yes, but at least they aren't woke and something something immigrants

Don’t ask me to let you be clear about something. Just be clear.

Jeff Epstein? The New York financier?

The president has informed me that reporting on his longtime friendship with Jeffrey Epstein is not in the public interest. by Brendan Carr

Me: I've seen every episode of Star Trek: TOS, TNG, Voyager... Idiot co-worker: Babylon 5? Me (with an anger I've never possessed before): NO BECAUSE THAT IS NOT PART OF THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE... I haven't finished Deep Space Nine IC-W: Oh yea that's what I meant the one with the number Me: 😡

But if I know modern day America we can turn these rare cases into routine ones!

Jimmy Fallon is scheduling another hair tousling as we speak.

I told one of these kids at work that the only car I bought brand new cost me $13k and she had the nerve to say: "wow, sometimes I forgot how much older you are than me."

My MIL on learning Robert Redford died - "he wouldn't have needed to offer me a million dollars I would have gone with him for a buck twenty." RIP Mr. Redford, my MIL really wanted to bone you.

Two of my favorite poets keeping me company at the office. ☔️ #langstonhughes #prince

Flaps are falling off, planes are turning upside down on the runway, cabins are depressurizing, planes are hitting helicopters, but I'm glad airlines are focused on the real problem - mocking the death of podcasters.

The thing about Atlanta is that the percentage of white people at the Wu-Tang show was higher than the percentage of white people at this showing of the Downton Abbey movie.

People who have never been homeless might be shocked to know how many people hold this and other similarly atrocious views...

This makes sense to me because as a former black lifeguard (still black, no longer a lifeguard) it was challenging for white swimmers to know if it was safe because our people only recently learned to swim.