The Ten Crack Commandments - Notorious B.I.G. 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon (even though he only lists 5) Welcome to Atlanta - Luda & Jermaine Dupree Mississippi Goddamn - Nina Simone Do It Again - Jay-Z

Return of the Jedi in a suburban movie theater near Cincinnati and then seeing it a month later at a city movie theater near Newark provided my most positive memorable movie experience. The Doors with my dad and having him lean over and loud whisper during the bj in the studio scene was less fun.

Distinct absence of cattle in that photo.

Target could probably get back on track if they sold some 50 Cent branded Live Laugh Hate posters.

But now my "The government was shut down for 43 days and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" sales are going to be through the roof.

Signs you lawyer in the south: 1. You wear a suit to work and a coworker asks if you have a prayer meeting later. 2. You were wearing a suit because you were going to judicial panel that included Judge “Billy” Ray.

He's so good at them they keep testing him more!

Scene: Xmas decorating Me: LOL It’s giving Le Tits Now Offline spouse: What’s wrong with you? Me: You know - the meme - Le Tits Now OS: … Me: You just wouldn’t get it meme

The Falcons should really have gotten the FIFA Peace Prize because they refuse to beat anyone.

I swear that before social media when Nat King Cole sang "fall on your knees" I interpreted it differently.

Duolingo is the clingiest. It's 10:18 on a Saturday, damn.

The Nobel Prize committee should announce the World Cup winner tomorrow

Autocorrect changed Xmas gifts to Xmas fists and you know what - yea, maybe

Sleep Number emails me like I'm gonna buy a new bed once a week.

There’s not enough literature on mixed “when does Christmas start” relationships because why did I pull Lady Bear’s car out of the garage to put air in the tires on Thanksgiving and there was already Christmas music playing?

This better be fucking good @profanity.accountant

Introduce yourself with five concerts you've seen multiple times Prince Harry Connick, Jr. Jay-Z Wynton Marsalis Janet Jackson

Happy going for a walk with your cousins day to all who celebrate.

Clankers hanging out on the street corner up to no good.

I would never kink shame someone for consensual behavior. But I will kink shame Ryan Lizza for making all of the squares learn about felching over the weekend.

So, I typed a text to this girl I used to see /saying that I chose this cutie pie with whom I wanna be/and I apologize if this message gets you down /then I cc'ed every girl that I'd see see round town/hate to see y'all frown but I love to see her smiling/wetness all around me true but I'm no island

Easy like Sunday morning

My doctor sent me for routine bloodwork so why did BCBS not cover $21.44 of the tests. Over there like “nah - you didn’t need to know all of that.”

My friend just sincerely asked if tomorrow is Friday.

Bill Ackman: May I Meet You Jodeci: Can I talk to you? I really wanna know you.

Sunday Sunday Sunday* *Falcons finding a new way to lose

They are only trying to get us to live until we are 150 so we can work longer.

2013 Megan Kelly: Technically Santa is a White man. 2025 Megan Kelly: Technically these rape victims were older than younger rape victims.

Hey so “underage girls” are…children. The word you’re looking for is children. They’re not like, women-in-waiting or women-lite or whatever. They’re children. I think some of you are very uncomfortable with what that means for you but it is still true.

Democrats currently working on a plan to allow Republicans to sleep with each of their significant others one time before the end of the year.

Cesare Lambroso used to analyze people's faces in the 1800s as a way to explain how certain people were evolutionary throwbacks and hence born criminals.

My favorite park schedule.

Mamdani is going to implement Oh Sheila law. Everyone must now love you til the morning comes.

Touched grass

The Secret Garden popped up on auto-shuffle last night and 🥵 did that evoke a lot of memories of well spent youth. Though back in the day I didn't always hear all the lyrics back because I was wearing nature's earmuffs. 😏

When did they start allowing blasphemy in the discover feed? Now I need to go purify myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

Cheers.

Me, after lunch each day

You know you're at the top of your game when you can break your own record.

And that's when it exploded all over my chest

Say what you will about Dick Cheyney but only a real G can shoot someone in the face and then have the victim apologize for getting shot.

After the trick or treaters were done last night the adults got out the Delve Deck, which is how I learned, after knowing her for 26 years, that my wife hates Michael Jackson.

For how long?

We mustn't irk the rich

The robots yearn for the mines

If there's one thing the left and the right can unite on it's being mad at Gavin Newsom.