Reflexively used the term “Chinese wall” recently. Immediately said “I am so sorry there’s probably a non-troglodyte way of saying that” - and then I had to explain two things.

I feel like confusing a balloon with a drone and then shooting at it would get you drug tested at a warehouse job.

Even he couldn't stand to watch the TPUSA halftime show.

In my head I keep pronouncing the TPUSA halftime show like King Julien talking about the foosa.

FedEx just sent me a text notifying me that even though my package is delayed it will arrive by 1/29.

Five Classes I took in College: Modern Political Thought Human Sexuality Medieval History Criminological Research Methods Earth Science: Astronomy & Meteorology

Administration is considering screening Melania in immigration detention centers to get people to self deport. Supreme Court will ultimately have to resolve a circuit split about whether this would constitute an 8th amendment violation.

Back at the spa for a massage and when I laid down she told me to "breathe in and clean my mind." No es posible señora.

Puffing and never passing

On vacation and about to get a mani pedi at the spa, but butching it up by calling it a manual/pediual

Just inserted the tip AND adjusted the strap.

We told you we all needed weapons to defend ourselves against a future government that would shoot us in the streets. What we didn’t tell you is that we have helped bring you that government. by the NRA

Last night I dreamed the impossible dream. I was missing a class during 2L because I was taking a deposition in NYC.

Someone at work just sent a message about a banana "peele"

Why bother there's nothing great happening out here

Greenland Iceland Maryland what’s the difference

What’s your sign? (You damn right)

"Martha Luther King Junior." "What did he do?" "He died for our sins." That kid cracks me up every time

"She's dead." "Ah...nature's NDA." ☠️

Last night my 11 year old niece discovered that I have been married twice and said "HOW!?!"

I did!

A Boulevardier. Do I have Campari?

I bet Facebook has been a shit show the past few weeks, but I may have to spend my Monday on there calling out hypocrites posting MLK quotes.

My mom (talking to her friend in my presence): My daughter is my head child and my son is my heart child. She is very smart and analytical, and he’s very caring. Me:

My Uber driver is doing 58 in the fast lane. Is that even allowed in Atlanta? Afraid we are going to get pulled over for going to slowly.

So glad we are in the office every day now so that I can say “nothing from legal” in person instead of via Teams.

Her: you are a hot mess Me: so....you're saying I'm hot?

Not the worst law enforcement related story I've heard in the past week.

My fried eggs are as bad as my scrambled eggs are good.

I know a clanker written piece when I see one

Is it finally time for me to watch Idiocracy?

Breaking: FIFA planning to name its inaugural Regime Change Award winner on Monday.

Watching BBC coverage so I can follow the invasion news but also who won the World Darts Championship. (Congratulations Luke Littler!)

I didn't even know we were at war with Eastasia

Introduce yourself with what almost killed you: Two different hit and run drivers 35 years apart.

Goodbye 2025 - don't let the door hit you on the way out

As dressed up as I'm getting for NYE. Bourbon gonna soon come.

Thanks Duo but I didn't need to learn this sentence.

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

Growth is knowing my flaws intimately and doing nothing about them.

Georgia troopers will be like didn't you see the speed limit sign?

Bleary-eyed walking through the airport and some little girl points at me and yells to her mom "that man has a big belly!"

Some might say I’m easy to shop for…

Merry Christmas (secular)!

You've been naughty? Then come sit by me and tell me all the stories.

The only way we are going to save the planet is if everyone buys 20+ insulated water bottles to stop drinking from plastic bottles but also sometimes still do that too.

Post a random picture of everything will go bad in 2026

The best chart I've seen in an Economist article

Can anyone call a meeting after they are dead to force a bunch of people to hear they aren't getting any money from me, or can only rich people do that?