Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale https://theonion.com/study-finds-processed-meats-carcinogenic-but-they-were-on-sale/

Man Returns To Place Of Birth To Mate https://theonion.com/man-returns-to-place-of-birth-to-mate-1819569927/

Just saw my little cousins Spotify wrapped and it’s really based. I’m so shaken. He’s like an NPC to me. He only spawns during limited edition holiday events. He cycles through 4 dialogue options and doesn’t interact unless you enter his proximity zone and aggro him.

The Buffalo blizzard of ‘14 gave me trust issues and weather-based anxiety but at least I got a 2 week long snow day out of it

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For https://theonion.com/unclear-what-coworker-with-banana-on-desk-all-day-waiti-1819579617/

Staying at a motel for $60 and deciding to look it up and finding the news reports of various crimes that have occurred on the premises

U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat https://theonion.com/u-s-military-carries-out-strike-on-scuffy-the-tugboat/

Throw back to when I carved the ugliest pumpkin conceivable and started crying because it was so dumb

It’s seasonal depression (-_-;)

Cranberry sauce really has one moment a year to do its thing and consistently fucking kills it

A woman’s notes app reveals her true soul

I don’t know why I thought giving a whipped cream cup to the Whipped Cream Fiend would go any differently

No branding. No words. You know what this is

📸 @miamystery.bsky.social

White girl named Mia Burns call me a firecracker

idk who needs to hear this but the President of the United States of America is APPEALING a judges order forcing him to fully fund SNAP. Yes — DJT is appealing a ruling telling him to NOT starve his own people. Let that simmer.

Does anyone else think everything just feels… off? Like I don’t know if it’s the time change or the weather but this October-November just feels different.

My mom compiled all of my childhood video tapes into YouTube videos for me to show at the birthday party I didn’t have so can someone remind me next year that those exist 🥲

Are these hats coming to Etsy in time for Thanksgiving?

They LITERALLY campaigned on making children go hungry as a political statement and they can't figure out why they lost.

PA Supreme Court retains its 5-2 democratic majority! HELL FUCKIN YEAH!

Ordered my friends House MD tapestries for our new house and I’m crying over how they were folded on arrival

Having sisters is like being diplomatic with 4 micro-nations that share borders, constantly on the brink of going to war with each other and are only saved by last minute pro bono alliances. And they hate you. Having a brother is like having a stray cat you occasionally see that brings you a mouse.

Is this how sports people feel watching Sportsball

Also what was up with me wearing a Steelers jersey in a Bills town. I really didn’t get beat up as much as I probably should have.

Doctors office: friendly reminder that you have an appointment tomorrow. it’s at 8am. est. don’t forget. please confirm. please confirm again. actually we are going to call you too. fill out these forms again. 8am. Doctors office: hey we need to reschedule your appointment for two months from now

Double Mia October birthday recap

I need to know what possibly could have possessed me in 8th grade to wear a Dump Trump hat to school every day for a year while living in the reddest upstate New York farm town conceivable. I need that kind of confidence now.

Me in Corfu New York on November 5th 2016: This world is irreparable and evil will always win and there is nothing redeemable about our species. Corruption and wealth will overcome morals and virtue, the suffering will never cease. Me in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania on November 5th 2025: 🙂 Cool mayor 🥳

Mother's Little Angel Just Made Fun Of Classmate's Weight For 30 Straight Minutes https://theonion.com/mothers-little-angel-just-made-fun-of-classmates-weight-1819573082/

Congrats to my sister for winning the Pgh mayoral race I guess lmao

I woke up feeling optimistic in a way I haven’t felt in 17 years

mayor mamdani sir what is your favorite Marble Hornets Entry

College is basically telling yourself that you only need to make it through the semester and then telling yourself that you only need to make it through the semester and then telling yourself that you only need to make it through the semester and then telling yourself you only need to make it throug

Why am I incapable of consuming media in a normal way

Why is my entire feed only posts in Japanese I hate this app

The concept of watching ATLA for the hundredth time and binging the first two seasons only to watch 5 minutes of each episode of season 3 per night because I suddenly don’t want the fun to end

Guys I’m back but now how do I get my feed to stop giving me only Japanese posts

Guess who remembered her password

Now why does the Game Awards have the crying right now

i love that blur wrote the woohoo song to make fun of american grunge rock and americans were like "wow this slaps" and then continued ignoring blur

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

So apparently if you smash seven pomegranates on the front porch the neighbors will ask what the fuck you’re doing

Apparently when your best friend sells jewelry you’re legally obligated to model for her or something. Weird.

The fact that Disney bought Star Wars and bought the Muppets and haven’t done a Muppets Star Wars is a crime.

More Americans Buying Firearms To Defend Selves From Toddlers Who Found Their Guns

Does anyone have a room I can run around in?