No one cared who I was before I put in the fake septum ring

“Because a cat’s the only cat who knowwws where it’s at” I proclaim cryptically, as I fail, yet again, to locate the clitoris

These are tricky for me cause it’s basically an unstoppable force (my triceps) vs. an immovable object (all this ass)

Compared to every other aspect of the musculoskeletal system, spines fucking suck

My waxer took one look at my legs and said “this is going to be the most satisfying thing I’ve done in a looong time”

My body tried to get sick this week and my metaphysical Libra powers were just like lol no 🙅‍♂️

The defenses’ elaborate group celebrations when they score a touchdown are, by far, the best thing about professional football

A definitive ranking of common middle-to-upper-middle-shelf vodkas: 1. Grey Goose 2. Reyka (possible pro-Iceland influence at play) 3. New Amsterdam (hot take) 4. Ciroc 5. Ketel One 6. Absolut 7. Smirnoff 8. Skyy (and only this high for the bottling) 9. Tito’s (hot/correct take) 10. Svedka

This Minotaur costume will be my greatest achievement. The one I’m remembered for

It’s the most ~sex-u-al~ time of the year!

Kash Patel is a lot of things, but I don’t think I’ve ever before seen an individual so thoroughly epitomize the word “petulant”

If I ever call you “just to catch up”, just know it’s psychologically the equivalent of me sawing my own leg off for you

I’m tryna win the mother frikin’ costume contest!!!

The biggest The largest By far, the most in-chargest

Victor Hugo: confirmed foot fetish

Here’s another weird thing about old people: they’ll never tell you they want more light, they’ll just keep asking if you’re sure YOU have enough light over and over until you turn on more light just to make them stfu

One weird thing about old people is that they’ll literally just choose to die rather than drink water when they don’t feel thirsty

In many cases, autism causes Tylenol

Contrary to what this picture may suggest, she is - tragically - almost completely illiterate

NYE on a Wednesday lol wtf just cancel the new year

When A$AP Rocky speaks, Millennials LISTEN

I’ve been called the bulkiest of my generation

Whenever I come across a Halloween costume piece that’s too expensive I simply say “no it isn’t” and then put it on my credit card

Adrienne Lynn: two lovers, enveloped by a passion so intense it drives them to utter depravity Producers: love it, how will you show that Lynn: 7 minute saxophone-driven montage of foreplay ideas I read about in Cosmo

Father, forgive me, for I have gained

This has been a strong little run

Coooome and get it! Come and get your Pro-tein Puddin’!!!

One of my coworkers was talking about going to an Oasis concert at Red Rocks during a blood moon-lunar eclipse combo and I was like “wow, sounds like a real champagne supernova in the sky”

When someone grabs my ass at the club

I spend about 70% of my workout just meditating on these images

Imagine you’re having a panic attack and you hear some bald guy say this shit

Cleavage Deepening

I can confidently say that making the switch to Marlboro has been the best decision for me and my family

I was at a party the other day and told a very masc lesbian presenting woman that I liked her Memphis Grizzlies jersey and she said thanks and then slapped my ass

Dynasties have risen and fallen in the time it takes me to complete a pre-workout stretch

Back in the early 2000s you could just be like You drive a Prius? You’re gay! and you were pretty much guaranteed a career in professional comedy. Wokeness took that from us.

Gym hack: decline bench not only very doable with a low back injury but feeling weirdly therapeutic

Looking for a new cigarette brand - open to recommendations!!!

My speed and efficiency on a Taco Bell self-order kiosk are unparalleled

Tonight’s the night I flip these heteronormies into a threesome, I can feel it

It’s called a Summer Shreddown, ever HEARD of it???

Return of The Chomper

My drunk instagramming is so wholesome… just me commenting “you go girl 💪💪💪” on my colleague’s pic of her 5th baby

2 wins in against randos on the bar pool table, feeling like god

Are themed parties kinda having a moment this year?

Nutrition? Yeah I’ll do a microdose

Back in the day Game of Thrones would really say some shit like “power is power” and we’d all be like OooooOooOooohhhh 🫨🫨🫨

A certain baby very intentionally chomped my nose last night - then literally fell over laughing at her own mischief 🤨🤨🤨

Adding a splash of yellow to my outfit always makes me feel like a cheeky little tart

Go on up, ye old bald-head! Go on up!