My EX-GIRLFRIEND has AUTISM

hole patrol

The Cousin Wars

He was accidentally electrocuted while swimming in a Best Western swimming pool

Just got hired as ceo of Funyuns. Ten year plan: Funyuns that actually have an onion ring inside

Fucked up they made this young child go on TV with known sex pest Aziz Ansari. Only in New York! #epsteinfiles

Wife is pissed I’m trying to bring my hand sling to her parents house for Sunday dinner. They got big acres where the fuck else am I supposed to practice launching rocks? Fucking the park that I’m banned from?

Just found out about some fucking war in UKRAINE?

My uncle texted me that it’s gonna be a gen 3 blood moon tonight

why breed dogs with jaws large enough to tear through Flesh, when you could breed dogs with minds large enougj to tear through Fallacy.....

Got my 500th email of the week telling me to kill my self from my boss/coworkers

Audrey Plaza is pregnant

Wife wants to me leave me because I quit my office job to start living life as Greaser

Attn All Lovers Of Doggos, Pupperinos & Furbabies—We Are Collecting Your Pets To Send Them To Beautiful Israel Where Theyll Become Champions

My name Is Tiger woods and the only thing I love more than golf or my kids is crashing the absolute fuck out of my car while drunk/on pills as hell

From the desk of FiveWayLogJam: “I’d rather date a flat earther than a flat asser” Send tweet

Cousin on cousin violence

I’m the guy who had the idea to make Snape be black and I get more death threats than God

Me sending my 6 year Old son to war in Iran

My six year old’s school got confused and instead of putting him a bus to go home they put him on one of those big marine boats going to Iran. My son is going to war. Gonna be a nice weekend for me

My son’s doctor said we need to put him (he’s 6 btw) on the Home Depot diet. It’s where I only feed him food I can buy at a Home Depot. This post is sponsored by @homedepotofficial.bsky.social

My cousin got my 6 year old son a deck hand job on a oil tanker ship in Kuwait. He just called me and said his ship go fucking torpedoed! Oh well

My 6 year old son ate an onion that’s been on my kitchen floor for 18 months #UGH

Mixed news: Nickelodeon producer Dan Schneider has been hit by a SCUD missile while on set of a new production in Eastern Iraq #avengeDan

TV Show: the Ozmepic Challenge. Three 400lb Americans are judges, and they each get a team of 5 chefs. Each judge takes ozempic and their teams prepare meals for them. At the end of episode each of the judges gets weighed and whoever loses the most lb loses a member of their team until one chef left

Signing up for ARMY so I can go to IRAN WAR so I can escape my ANNOYING AS SHIT 6 YEAR OLD SON

I’m in the US military and I’m about to make a fortune betting against me surviving a drone strike. The other gamblers don’t know how slow I run

Learning about about #boats

Got too drunk on a Tuesday night to write my great American novel… fuck!!!

My six most loyal cousins and I have formed a Junta and have occupied and are managing our local McDonald’s to great success, and despite our judicious use of corporal punishment drivethru wait times are down 18%

Not getting a lot of attention in mainstream media but the latest Epstein files drop includes about a dozen deeply embarrassing emails I sent to Jeff E. telling him I would kill myslef unless he gave me back the $1,500 I gave him for a 1991 Toyota Camry that died a week after I bought it from him

I got a Grammy for the recoding of me calling 911 when I got my penis/genitals caught in the fence which went viral last year in the midst of my very public divorce which the local paper referred to as “the worst divorce to happen in this county since May”

My 6 year old son watched the Melania movie and it made him kill himself #ama

Air Force 1 had to turn around because Trump was jerkingoff (understandable) but when he nutted some of it went into one of the planes vents and it got clogged so they had to turn around to get the vent cleaned out just to be safe, which, to be fair, could happen to anyone

Giving my 6 year old son his daily hardtack

The cast of Everybody Loves Raymond DENOUNCES ISRAEL. Google it

I speak on behalf of all progressives when I say we will let the Venezuela thing slide if Trump does the exact same thing to Netanyahu in the next 24 hours plssss

Tried giving myself a haircut for the second time ever and accidentally gave myself the Sean penn haircut from One Battle After Another and now my girlfriend won’t come home

My new resolution for 2026 is for Timothy Chalamet to gain 100lb

Cousinmaxxing

Emailing my cousin (was missing for 18 months, found in a coma in Eastern Russia but recovered) about how much I hate my kid

Got arrested for trying to trade my 6 year old child (son) for a late 90s Toyota 4runner on Facebook Marketplace but since there’s not technically a law against tht in the Laws Of America or Laws of Facebook the cops had to let me go and give me $10,000: major W

Writing my The Office fan fiction: “Phyllis’s Suicide; Phyllis Fucks Up” while I’m supposed to be at my divorce court hearing. Stupid as fuuuuuck

One of the other children at the school defaced my six year old son with spray paint again

Coolest thing about hanging out with your cousin is you can tweet stuff like “hanging out my dirty cousin” and when his lawyer calls you you can just say it’s about the other one

Something to think about… years before he ever invented Tetris Jeb Bush dreamt of be beautiful Tetris app where good ass Tetris players could chat and share their best Tetris tips, but nobody ever talks about that

My difficult child (6) fell down an embankment and got hit by a car #tgif

My kid got stuck in the ant farm