Jane Goodall was actually the only one keeping the apes in control. Now there's a power vacuum

The liberal case for wishing this trust fund dipshit would just disappear.

But also we’re terrified of the subway

“We are so much more hardcore than they are.” Dude went to fucking Duke. So, okay, whatever…

If Jeffries was good at this stuff, he’d call Vance “Vice President Couch Fucker” every time he’s on TV and make the networks bleep him… but too late.

It would have all fallen apart if, in that brief silence after he said “war department,” someone had said just loud enough, “Jesus, what a fucking asshole” and ruined the moment for him.

Rosalita Esperanza Beyoncé just got her every 6 to 8 week allergy shot. $181, which is more than I have spent on my own medical bills this year. It’s good to be a princess….

If the generals weren’t whispering about a coup before, they are now.

The flew the entire military leadership in so they could see for themselves that the Secretary of Defense is a mouthbreathing dipshit and the Commander in Chief is a senile, weak old man who might keel over at any moment.

of all the dumb shit that sucks these days, the dumbest and pettiest shit that sucks is the way people fetishize debate. i would like to revert to the old roughly agreed-upon cultural understanding that debate club is for boring friendless nerds

Remember those kids who were always picked last for sports in school? They all work for ICE now.

The truly sad thing about this weak-ass shit is his aides are high-fiving and telling him “Sick burn, boss”

Hey you guys, they're on to us. Someone blabbed. Time to go back to the vans with "Puppies inside" spray-painted on the doors. This time, shut the fuck up about it.

Bibi: Yo Don, gonna be in NYC, wanna hang out? Trump: Can’t. Gonna go watch some golf Bibi: Bummer Trump: You should pop by the UN. They’ll be happy to see you. Bibi: You sure? Trump: Fuck yeah. Do it. Bibi: Okay Trump: Happy RoshHashNashBridges

No matter what this meeting is about, Pete will always be a National Guardsman assigned to a Civil Affairs unit who got a bunch of crusader tattoos in his 40s because he wants you to think he's a cool, war-criming operator instead of an extremely online wife-beating loser

I, for one, am surprised that Lindsey Halligan doesn’t dot her i’s with a heart. She must be really good.

Be nice to your Christian friends who are still here even though the Rapture did happen. Maybe invite them to go summon demons or something else fun because god thinks they’re a dick and, really, what have they got to lose now? Maybe leave out that “dick” part…

Today, as many Christians look beseechingly to the sky to be carried away to heaven, Charlie Kirk is chained to a wall of fire with his eyelids held open like Malcolm McDowell‘s in "A Clockwork Orange“ and forced to watch a continuous loop of every episode of HBO’s “Girls”

In the mid-70’s I was on a skiing trip at Snowbird in Utah and the local NBC affiliate preempted a NBC White Paper report on the Equal Rights Amendment and replaced it with a Salt Lake City small theater production of The Princess and the Pea. I am not kidding.

“Tylenol causes an autism” “Sez who?” “Some guy in the parking lot stuffing a dead bear cub into his car‘s trunk” “Sounds legit. I’ll alert the Facebook wine moms”

Kimmel will be back and I am so excited for many commenters on Bluesky to boast that they don’t watch “corporate TV,” and, in fact, got rid of their TV’s 20 years ago. Those people fucking rule.

The Rapture is scheduled for tomorrow and Charlie Kirk’s wife told the NYT that god ”took” Charlie for a reason, so god decided to help Charlie beat the rush of people levitating to heaven by having a guy blow out his neck with a high-powered rifle and this is why I don’t get religion, I guess.

“You know when you go through a fast food drive through and later, when you open the bag, there’s like an order of French fries you didn't ask for and you weren’t charged for them but you didn’t take them back? That’s what happened with Tom Homan and the $50k.” - Pam Bondi eventually…

I have to commend the fans of Charlie Kirk for predicting how MAGA will remember him and how normal people will.

Donald Trump was overwhelmed with emotion as he looked into the middle distance and pondered the mystery of whether the Widow Kirk is a B cup or a C cup as her firm breasts pressed against his rotting flesh. “She’s hot, but not Ivanka hot,” he thought as he wondered what she looked like at 14.

I bet when they were planning the music for the memorial it got super quiet and awkward when someone mentioned his favorite band was Filter. “Yeah, okay, we’re gonna go with that arms of an angel song they use for shivering dogs instead.” “Also a big fan of Drowning Pool.” “Please stop.”

“ It was the best of times, it was the time of whatever.” Truer words have never been said.

I‘d have gone with a picture of the deceased or, at the very least, a more somber Erika Kirk picture and not a time share seminar headshot that says “I’m going to sell you an Official Charlie Kirk™ Bible with his signature embossed in gold on the faux leather cover for the low, low price of $129.95”

Dear President Donald John Trump, Please send Warfighters from our Glorious Department of War to my neighborhood because we have a antifa. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Your friend, Tom

Just a reminder on the day that Alex Acosta couldn't seem to remember much about some Jeffrey Epstein guy he gave a sweetheart deal to, that his daughters, on the other hand, have seen some shit:

For fun, go to X and check out the AI created “Jesus welcomes Charlie Kirk to heaven” videos that have a volley ball scene in Top Gun vibe, if you know what I mean…

If you haven’t noticed, aside from the Kimmel thing, Charlie Kirk is quickly fading from the national conversation except among the rubes he already suckered in. In four weeks people will be back to arguing Mahomes gets too many calls and candy corn sucks. America is an easy to distract toddler.

Personally, I can’t get over all the shit that is happening because of… this:

Thank goodness America can still rely on the biting humor and social commentary that has been the hallmark of Jimmy Fallon’s storied career…

Today I got to watch a microbiologist, who rose to head the CDC, be questioned by a plumber from Oklahoma who has the kind of first name normally given to a boy that you have to chain to the porch so he leaves the goats alone. Also by a football coach who lost to fucking Vanderbilt in '08.

If Kash Patel was at least a little quick on his feet, he would have followed up with, “Ohhhh, Dylann Roof! With two n’s. Yeah, that guy. Bad hombre, man.”

You rarely see someone “hold my beer” themself, but we live in strange and stupid times. Maybe tomorrow we’ll get: “Laura Loomer is a sassy gal who just might surprise you” or ”Live, laugh, La Migra: The softer side of Stephen Miller”

This is the guy who did the actual firing of Karen Attiah at the Washington Post via email. And next to his picture are comments made by Charlie Kirk about Black Americans and Black women in general. He chose a side.

Actual screenshots from Donald Trump‘s just filed $15 billion lawsuit aimed at the New York Times written by real live actual lawyers. I mean, what chance does the NYT have against a guy who did a cameo in ”The Nanny” in 1996?

JD Vance: “Charlie Kirk never said Black women do not have brain processing power to be taken seriously. He never uttered those words.” Charlie Kirk: “Joy Reid, Michelle Obama, Ketanji Brown Jackson — you do not have the brain processing power to otherwise be taken seriously.”

Rosalita Esperanza Beyoncé and Ripley waiting patiently for me to rattle the treat tin at which point they will then come tumbling the rest of the way down the stairs so we can all go to bed. This is bad behavior that I take full responsibility for.

No wonder his mom did drugs…

One could make the case that the Trump White House is so afraid of the Epstein files that they put in motion a hit on Charlie Kirk to change the national conversation and, as an added benefit, allow Stephen Miller to wage a new war on civil liberties. Some might make that case, but not me. Nope.

There are close to 350 million people in the US. Trump’s last job report stated that under him 22,000 new jobs were created in a month. To put that into perspective, that is the average attendance at a Baltimore Orioles game this season in a stadium that seats over 49k. Less than half full.

Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases

I, for one, am looking forward to the day when Miller is no longer protected by an out of power Trump administration and he’s pursued through darkened streets like his moral equivalent Franz Becker in Fritz Lang’s “M”

So it looks like this goofy-looking highly unqualified dipshit finally found a way to rid of himself of the last Black opinion columnist, Karen Attiah, at the WaPo. You can reach him here: Adam.O'[email protected]

“Klein’s interest here isn’t honesty but flattery. It shows Klein isn’t writing about Kirk at all. He’s writing about himself and saying, ‘I’m doing politics the right way because I’m lauding someone who disagrees with me.’”

Charlie Kirk once said, “If I see a Black pilot, I’m going to be like, ‘Boy, I hope he’s qualified.’” Pretty sure Charlie would refuse to even get on the plane if this guy was in front of him in the line to board.