This truly is the very-punchable-face administration. Spend three minutes with this video if your blood pressure does not make it too dangerous.

Lolllll get fucked. Just gonna overlook the anti-semitism, gay slurs, “Black people don’t tip well,” and so on, huh

I went and saw Nine Inch Nails Monday night, got home after midnight and then got up at 2:30am and worked 8 hours. He only has to moan his way through like 13 songs for an hour and a half.

oh fuck off

Dispatch from White Bros Before Ho’s

User: AI please generate an 8000 word report on String Theory in the style of Hunter S. Thompson AI: [34 seconds later] Here you go User: Can you help me link to my printer? AI: No fucking clue, LOL. Want a picture of Sydney Sweeney with three boobs? User: Not really AI: Suit yourself. Loser.

For those pearl-clutching over the damage done to Kobe’s legacy by Bam Adebayo last night, Kobe still leads Bam in sexual assault allegations, so you guys still have that to lean on.

We are in this mess in great part because Joe Rogan spent all four years of high school ducking classes and smoking weed in the parking lot with the JV wrestlers.

Trump holding a press conference later today where he’ll probably admit sexually assaulting teens so people will shut the hell up about the price of gas.

Pssssh. No way this could ever happen....

“I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.” I have never understood the appeal of Matt Yglesias, who always struck me as a child of privilege mediocrity undeservedly gifted public intellectual status. Basically Megan McArdle, but shorter.

One thing I hate about all the defenses of Platner is the underlying, deeply dumb and destructive belief that it's all about casting. Wanted: Rugged bearded tell-it-like-it-is oysterman to appeal to the great anxious white center, the holy grail of politics. Further details not of immense concern. >

Far be it from me to give advice to Markwayne the Plumber, aside from changing his name to a far more normal DougBob, but he would get a lot of credit if he ordered a forensic audit of every contract Kristi Noem and creepy sex weasel Lewandowski touched

DHS staffers peels off the “if this cabin is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’” handmade sign on Noem & Corey’s Bang Boeing, turn on a blacklight and the room lights up like the Vegas Strip on New Years Eve. “Burn it. Burn everything in here”

Noem at home Noem husband: So... Noem: So.... Husband: Noem: Husband: So, were you guys doing it doggy-style? Noem: Oh, for god's sake, Byron. Not funny and give it a rest. Husband: Noem: Husband,: Guess I'll go outside and put flowers on Cricket's grave. Noem: Fuck you, Byron

If you're at the airport and Kristi Noem is doing the ominous little message from the TSA screens, you no longer have to do anything she says. Leave your laptop in the case, whatever.

I guess one might call Markwayne Mullin replacing Noem a ... "toilet adjustment"

Noem is going to the "Special Envoy for the Shield of the Americas" which is going to be the worst movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe .... except for the "Eternals"

Kristi Noem calling Lewandowski: "I've been fired. What will we do, my love?" Corey: "New phone, who dis?"

Similar rationale used when he sexually assaulted a drunk woman in in Monterrey, California in 2017 and then threw a hotel room towel at her and told her to “clean” herself up. Then later paid her $50k

Guess which good boy is going to see the Phillies when they come to town in May?

Lane Kiffin mum after reports of job opening in Iran

All I’m saying is if you wanted someone to mastermind the killing of a religious fanatic who thinks women are second class citizens, and already has a relationship with Netanyahu, this whole Khamenei thing could have been done faster and cheaper. I mean, her secret boyfriend killed the pope…

Kash Patel’s booty-call girlfriend, who grew up in London and Geneva (the fancy one overseas), is sick and tired of you fancy-pants coastal elites.

THE GUYS AT THE PENTAGON LOVED YOUR IDEA TO CALL IT ‘“OPERATION EPIC FURY,” AND PETE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU‘LL SPOT HIM WHEN HE DOES FANCY MAN KETTLE BELLS TODAY.

This is one of my pettier impulses but I want the record to reflect just how often this motherfucker said that Kamala Harris was the pro-war candidate in 2024.

It would appear the only difference between Nick Shirley and Graham Platner is that Nick does not have a Nazi tattoo. Yet.

Immigrants: They get the job done.

Every time I hear Pete Hegseth is squabbling with Anthropic, I think they’re talk about Anthropologie, and I wonder if that wispy peasant dress he bought to go see Sara McLachlan didn’t hold up after three washings and they keep telling him the label clearly says “ dry clean only”

The US hockey bros who met with Trump should only be asked questions about Heated Rivalry during interviews. Nothing about the Olympics. When they bring up their gold medal, the response should be, “That’s nice.. so, anyway, are you a Shane or an Ilya?” “What was the hottest scene and why?”

Imagine writing an “Actually…” comment at the New York Times defending pedophile-adjacent Peter Attia because he said eating a burger after strenuous exercise is totally cool, and he has some interesting thoughts about seed oils. But that is where we are in America these days..

Does anyone find it weird that Jeffrey Epstein’s very good friend won’t accept that “no means no“? Because I don’t.

Hang this on the wall for all to see:

Meet Rep. Monty Fritts— a Tennessee lawmaker running for governor. If you’re one of the millions of American women who’s had an abortion, he thinks that you should be given the death penalty

With dead-eyed sociopath Tricia McLaughlin leaving DHS to spend more time threatening her Mexican housekeeper with deportation, the DHS is shuffling chairs and bringing on Katie Zacharia because, you know, qualifications and stuff:

I can just see some DHS dipshit with an 8th grade education, two DUI’s and a restraining order after beating up his girlfriend going, “Dude, check this out,” while trying to use his new death laser to cut a minivan in half to grab a toddler.

Pirro: “So, are you up to this?” Vandervelden: “I don’t want to brag, but I once captured Miss Piggy executing an absolutely lovely saut de chat during a production of ‘Swine Lake’” Pirro: “Cool, cool, cool. You’re hired. Another sangria?”

After today’s performance by Pam Bondi, one can safely assume she would gladly hold down a teenaged girl for Donald Trump to rape. Pam Bondi is Trump’s Ghislaine Maxwell.

Off to Oahu after 2 trips cancelled. First, I was in the midst of a restraining order fight (I got it. Yay, Team Tom). Then Ripley had medical issues (He‘s fine. Yay, Team Ripley). In my absence, please do something about this annoying Trump person. Thank you for your attention to this matter

This is like hiring all of your Magic: The Gathering club pals because you think they are wicked funny and everybody is going to totally love them. Or randomly picking names out of a phone book. One of those....

If LinkedIn became flesh, drank a bunch of Red Bulls and then let its inner Dunning-Kruger run wild --- it would sound just like this. Although, you have to admit, bringing someone on from HBO's Euphoria to help restructure the CBS News is the kind of outside the box thinking only meth can deliver

Downfall Bovino Edition. You're welcome.

This administration is cooked. Literally no one is scared of them.

Bovino is headed back to El Centro which is basically Yuma without the glamor. He has stated previously that he would someday retire to North Carolina where, I guess, he owns an apple orchard. There he will probably spend the rest of his life spinning around every time he hears a twig snap.

Emergency nurses treating ICE or Border Patrol agents after they hurt themselves tackling a five foot tall abuela should remember how they treated Alex Pretti and act accordingly.

I‘ll add that CNN fired Don Lemon after he called out Ramaswamy on his bullshit about the NRA helping Blacks defend themselves against the Klan. Then smarmy Scott Jennings got a contract, and later the morning slot went to Audie Cornish to make sure nothing interesting ever happens again.

At a certain point, when it becomes apparent a cable guest has every intention of continuing to lie, it becomes incumbent upon the host to end the interview with, “We’re done here. You’re lying and you need to leave and will never be invited back.”

Maybe I’m being generous, but Matt Gaetz, Trump‘s AG pick before Pam Bondi, would probably say “fuck this shit, I’m out,” before he’d sink to her level. And this is a guy who paid a homeless teen trying to raise money to get braces to fuck him.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ,