Back in the 1970s we had REAL men. Proper British blokes in bands like Gobstopper. Playing REAL instruments. Real music. Real masculinity. Not like today.

My Sleaford Mods bumbag just arrived!

I can't wait for the US to take over the world. Widespread illiteracy, longer working hours, no affordable health care, etc. But there will be a Fartbys on every street corner, and we all get to eat butter-flavoured corn-style nuggets from a massive bag.

"2026 is the year I finally win."

Sir Keir's popularity with the general public has climbed from 12% to 97% since he banned a website for Nazi paedophiles, grifters, and extremely thick people.

Check out Ricky Gervais if you've not already. Proper offensive man comedy. Bloke's a legend. 🤣

Ousted PM Sir Keir spotted at Monster Truck Mayhem at the Taco Bell Sports Arena, Jacksonville, Florida just days after his release from Guantanamo Bay detention centre.

Absolutely fuming. Some busybody just reported me to the train master because they thought I was watching gay webcam porn. They're kicking me off at York.

Chart toppers Nizlopi have released a single, Free Sir Keir Starmer, in support of the incarcerated prime minister.

“I’m open-minded about reviewing any previously held positions, priorities, or red lines if it helps resolve this situation. I'm eager to work with President Trump in adopting any positions or attitudes to minorities he feels I should have in exchange for my freedom."

UPDATE: Wes Streeting appointed interim PM while Sir Keir is kept in US detention camp: “Obviously it’s deeply regrettable what’s happened to Keir, but my priority now is calmly holding the fort and providing the serious leadership the country clearly needs.”

Who remembers the Roger Moore ad for Executive Condoms, the kind that came in a mahogany box? "Because whether one is serving Queen and country, or attending to... more personal duties, one should do so with honour, tradition, and a properly made mahogany box." #AndysMemoryLane

Sir Keir when Donald Trump's goons tell him to shut up and get in the van.

I stayed up all night making this tribute to Sir Keir.

The USA's gone really down hill since a "A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-lop-bam-boom!"

I stayed up all night making this tribute to Sir Keir.

Macron on the capture of Sir Keir: "France has long supported a transition of power in the UK. We regarded Starmer as an illegitimate President and we shed no tears about the end of his regime."

UPDATE: A Number 10 spokesperson described the situation as "deeply concerning" and said the government was "working urgently with international partners to secure the prime minister's safe return".

UK latest: Trump says US has 'captured' Prime Minister Sir Keir.

The one good thing about the Yankification of the British far-right is that they'll all look like this in a year's time.

Sending this to my estranged son so he knows that daddy's still cool.

You could convince that Essex PR man to eat dog shit if you said that the left were pushing a woke "don't eat dogshit" agenda.

David Bowie's key writing technique was the "cut-up" method, inspired by William S. Burroughs, involving cutting up sentences or words from texts and rearranging them randomly to spark unexpected ideas.

"Check this fly shit out." Sir Keir shows off his dance moves in head turning attempt to win youth vote.

Please. I beg you. Please stop making fun of the rich kids who are experiencing success with their derivative punk-inspired band.

My good friend Ted Tritton was chased, kicked, and beaten last night by braying youths simply because he confessed to watching The Hootenanny.

A touch of class from Sadiq Khan here. A tribute to all the brave patriots who died this year erecting flags outside of other people's homes. 🎇🎆🇬🇧

American doing a "British" accent: "Ello, mate. I'm The Beatles, innit."

Sir Keir cuts a casual figure while watching his favourite NASCAR team at the Kentish Town Speedway. "The mix of smells... the exhaust fumes combined with the smell of the big cheesies and the manure."

Everyone grieves differently Erika Kirk:

Straight white men have never got over losing their beloved Men & Motors channel. It's been nothing but violent pants soiling since 1 April 2010, the day the dream died.

POV: you're a woman wearing a band t-shirt and these men have approached you to ask you to name songs by the band.

Meet the male Bonnie Blue. He calls himself Sgt. Shaginator and he's striving to break the record for the most women shagged in 24 hours.

I was on the bus earlier this evening when this man got on singing Easy Lover by Phil Collins. When I asked him to be quiet, he grew very irritated and told me: "You do NOT know what I'm capable of." Then he walked straight through the glass door like The Terminator.

BREAKING Jonathan Ashworth to receive knighthood from King Charles.

Me to the big tub of Twiglets I've just eaten:

It's been a great year for Sir Keir Starmer. Everything he's done has been gold.

TFW you're enjoying that big Boxing Day poo.

Me to the millennial barista when the fat white hasn't been made to my precise specifications:

Sending my estranged son a selfie with a woman I met on X, the everything app, with the text: "the best gift of all! Daddy's got you a new mummy x"

"Please, kids. Please come home for transphobe Christmas."

Berating the sales assistant in Next because none of the shirts have large enough collars for your enormous head.

I didn't know how brainwashed by the woke mind virus I was until I saw this enlightening clip. Thank you, Liz Truss. Your brilliant new show not only has exceptionally high production values, but it has well and truly opened my eyes.

Can't believe it's 5 years since Boris Johnson died in agony. I still think about it every day.

I hope you’ve had a good Christmas. But isn’t there somebody you forgot to thank? That's right. Sir Keir Starmer: tireless, sleepless, incandescently decent - bearing the weight of the nation with monkish resolve so the rest of us can let our hair down.

"The hard-left and woke mafia will never succeed in banning Christmas, the day on which we celebrate our lord and saviour. I'm Sir Keir Starmer and I approve this message."

Fresh In

Proper traditional British Christmas dinner, the way it's supposed to be prepared. 🇬🇧

People forget that Father Christmas was Palestinian.

Turning up to my ex-wife's home uninvited with my festive sandwich board.