Drunk at 4pm on a weekday, scrolling through an endless stream of AI boomercore slop on my iPad, my mouth agape.

Just remembered when loads of former NME writers assembled to try to bully me for this tweet.

“I can’t say it impacts me." Ancient British proverb.

If I'd been photographed blowing Bubba I'd be committed to ensuring that those photos were included as glossy pages in my next World Gone Bongo book.

In a world that acknowledges that you can be attracted to women AND enjoy sucking Big Bubba this pathetic display of insecurity would not be necessary.

"Hey, lefties. I was just popping by for a surprise property inspection. Care to hear one of my delicious hot takes while I'm here?"

Today's right-wing men have never read a book, but think they're smarter than everybody else because they cosplay as the "clever gremlin" from Gremlins 2.

I confronted a young person in Costa Coffee whom I suspected didn't know all the members of Blondie, despite wearing the t-shirt. They responded by saying, "Skibididdy toilet, bitch!" and then laughing as I fell the floor in outrage. 😡

British patriots in 2025.

Just catching up with the latest from Your Party since that business with the trans hate landlord.

I agree that the BBC behaved abominably by inviting this swollen-headed sissy porn connoisseur on to the News at 10 to speak unchallenged about his hatred of trans people.

I think this tweet might win the coveted Birds Eye Wanker of the Year 2025 award at the National Wanker Awards later this year.

I WANT MY BIG DADDY BREAKFAST AND I WANT IT NOW!

What is the ultimate Big Ben Brexit Bing-Bong of biscuits? The biscuit that the geezers enjoy with a cup of English builder's tea? A proper British biscuit. Biscuits and banter with the Brexit boys. 🇬🇧

Not sure if you've heard Chestnut Mare by The Byrds. But back in the 1960s and 1970s nobody thought twice about songs about men making love to horses. Different time! 🇬🇧

Bad news for Sir Keir's detractors. Turns out, while you've been slagging him off, he's been cooking up a popular new policy that might just make you eat humble pie. He intends to secure votes by banning wanking.

Did you go to private school, then Oxbridge, and have no work experience and talent at all? Then perhaps you'd consider a lucrative career on Britain's transphobia punditry circuit.

This every single day until the world burns.

If you think you got away without wearing a poppy, then sorry, bucko, but I've got news for you: I've collected a dossier of information on you that I'm going to pass on to the police tomorrow morning.

I hope you're happy, @zackpolanski.bsky.social. Look what you've done. He's crying.

I looked up what Mike Tapp's "British pie" was. The definition I found is this: "When two men ejaculate into one another's foreskins for an arousing finish."

Sir Keir on Maccabi Tel Aviv F.C. ultras:

Sir Keir's message to Zack Polanski:

Apparently Starmer hasn't even met his hero, Netanyahu, in person before. That's crazy. It would be like Dylan jamming with The Beatles in 1965.

Why does Netanyahu have the same hair as Milhouse from The Simpsons?

Yassified Graham Linehan broke my phone.

My patriotic friend Gorgo here is undergoing an extensive cosmetic procedure today to resemble a remembrance poppy. Join me in wishing him all the best.

When The Who sang "meet the new boss, same as the old boss" they meant it in a good way! Pragmatic, dependable, smart suit, committed to balancing the books.

Sir Keir flaunts bold new look as he cuts a casual figure outside 10 Downing Street.

SNEAK PEEK: Sam Mendes' new Beatles films announce full cast.

TFW Alan Dershowitz blows his brains out live on air, as he promised, in protest of the election of Mamdani.

Sir Keir: I too have an aloof wife who is running my campaign. Please like me.

No, I've not see the John Lewis Christmas advert. What I have seen is Béla Tarr's Sátántangó and Fellini's Amarcord. Art. That's what I like. I don't think an advert is art. Grow up.

An 87-year-old Alan Dershowitz blowing his brains out live on TV because Mamdani won the election will go down in history as the saddest day for paedophiles since Ian Watkins was stabbed.

Where's yer poppy!? Where's yer poppy!? Where's yer poppy!? Where's yer fuckin' poppy!?

BREAKING Rachel Reeves to introduce new "wank tax" in order to help balance the books.

Sir Keir cooks his famous "Darlo Eggs" on Sunday Brunch.

That Sydney Sweeny dress that boring people are talking about is a rip off of the suit I wore to the 1998 GWR Bristol Music Awards, which had a see-through scrotum pouch.

I've never watched Emily In Paris, so please tell me: why has it been merchandised as it's Pokemon or Star Wars?

Live Laugh Alienate your kids with your reactionary politics ❤️🇬🇧😁🥰

So, I've done something nobody has ever done before: I've watched Fox & Father, which is even more reactionary than I ever could have imagined. Here's the fake priest claiming that jews run our society and are responsible for the existence of gay and trans people.

I asked Google who the most hated person in Britain is and the AI feature said Sir Keir, beating off stiff competition from uber nonces Ian Watkins and Gary Glitter.

The far-right are talking about erecting a statue for Enoch Powell, a man whose greatest achievement was doing a speech and being investigated for connections to a paedophile ring. Here's what that statue might look like.

"... slept under a portrait of Adolf Hitler" could literally describe any British columnist working today.

Stop what you're doing and listen to this, Laurence Fox's tribute to Charlie Kirk and the worst song ever recorded.

Just remembered the time Laurence Fox uploaded this picture and was like: "Look at this meal I made for my kids. I'm such a great dad." Even though this meal looks like evidence that could be used to prove parental neglect.

Why is nobody talking about how Sir Keir hasn't been since wandering off a military base in Preston two days ago? His last words, to one of his minders, were: "I can't fucking do this any more."