BREAKING Ed Miliband's home has been mysteriously demolished by a helicopter gunship.

The USA are going to annihilate us with chemical weapons because we moaned about it being hot for a few days.

Just heard the most spectacular saxophone rendition of David Gray's Babylon in a Chinese restaurant. Splendid.

I am a high-profile British broadcaster. I am locking myself in my Yaris owing to the serious abuse I receive on here - i.e. childish insults like Randy Turdwell, mellon nuts, and divorced boomer (a slur). If any journalists would like to speak to me about it, my DMs are open.

OMG. That's Zack Polanski.

What Israel does to a mfr.

Who remembers asphyxiwanks? All the rage in the '90s. No longer. Banned by the woke brigade. I just want my country back.

I hear your dad's at it again - i.e. taking his 27-year-old Tinder date for cocktails at the Slug & Lettuce.

The enduring image of Sir Keir's tenure as Prime Minister.

Met a geezer earlier who was really pro-trans rights. #Geezers4TransRights

Elon Musk unfollowing that sycophantic guy with the face is the modern equivalent of The Beatles splitting up.

That little disgusted noise he makes at the concept of bisexuality is the same noise most people make when he enters a room.

Y'all ready to unleash the taste of the Bell?

Sir Keir STUNS in new holiday snaps.

Sir Keir shouted "I AM ARSENAL" seconds before running down Deliveroo Cyclist, a court has heard.

This is me.

"Hello, Sega? Yes, I'd like to report a pub for using Ecco the Dolphin box art as sign. Yes, I'll hold."

POV: you have just been caught using a VPN to access websites that have not been approved by the government.

"Stop it! You're going to rip it! It's mine! Give it back, you little shit!"

Sir Keir is absolutely livid after letting a child hold his beloved Blastoise shiny for a few seconds. The child, he claims, pocketed the card before pretending that there was no Blastoise shiny to begin with.

I was chatting to somebody yesterday whose friend has packed his job in and joined a masculinity cult run by a man who calls himself a bishop. Kind of puts my own divorce-induced breakdown in perspective.

Britain used to be the best country in the world. What happened?

Helen "The Talent" Lewis.

They just created a million Sir Keir Starmers.

This man's writing a series of tweets about Zack Polanski's laundry.

Overheard in East London: "Just a quick FYI: I'm going to be in a sensory deprivation tank tomorrow so won't be able to reply to emails."

OUTRAGEOUS. David James did this back in about 2019. He came on my programme to discuss this!

Overheard in East London: "Just a quick FYI: I'm going to be in a sensory deprivation tank tomorrow so won't be able to reply to emails."

Women go crazy for that PS1 man look.

Who remembers when Sir Keir Starmer promised "change"? What were all that about?

Want to feel old? This is what Justin Timberlake looks like now.

Getting CAMRA mogged by a man with a larger gut and his own beer mug from home at the ale and cider festival.

You come downstairs on Christmas morning and he's in your living room filling your stocking with anti-trans legislation and blocking websites he doesn't like on your laptop.

The five genders.

Transphobes:

The Labour government has just further emboldened the worst people on the planet to intimidate, harass and threaten any woman they see in a toilet who doesn't meet their weird standards of femininity. The most transphobic government the UK has ever had.

35 years ago, French and British workers met under the English Channel, shaking hands through the final tunnel breakthrough. I was there to meet French broadcaster André Baratteau along with British glamour Donna Diamond and footballer Dean Spink. Nobody could have predicted Brexit then.

When it look as if the end is near for his government, Sir Keir's team order a few pizzas and stay late brainstorming. "How can we win back voters to Labour?" Then one of them says: "Anti-trans stuff?" and they all high five one another, and Sir Keir's like: "Great job, guys."

Sir Keir has ordered Labour Party ministers to drink his special tea. "If you support me, then drink my tea. Go on. Drink it."

Sir Keir: "I will film myself hurting myself if you vote Labour... Anything you like. Punching my nuts, gnawing my arm, throwing myself down some steps. Whatever you like."

He's back at it.

I wish I were joking, but this is what an American salad looks like. And they won't let you order it until you say: "Hey buddy. Give me The Tailgate Caesar Crunch Extreme!" and when it arrives two men dressed in little uniforms run out and sing a song about it.

Take discount to the max with The Meatballer pizza meal deal from The Labour Party. Peng meatballs, bare mozzarella, a side of dank dippers, and a munchicious Muller Rice to make the meal complete. It's time to do hunger up the bum.

On behalf of me and everybody at Superdrug FM, I'd just like to say congratulations to @arsenalfc.bsky.social for winning the Premier League. Well done.

It's all kicking off in Surrey Docks Wetherspoons! This Millwall geezer is livid at the news that his team will be promoted to the Premier League and just headedbutted his mate.

@churnwell.bsky.social gutted you did not get the Strictly job. Typical BBC bullshit