A jumpscare every single time.

Skill issue

rest in peace, nonstick pan. i’ll never understand why my family abused you so, but i will forbid them from touching your replacement.

a neighbor kid plays a brass instrument, and i love to hear them practice. just now they executed a pretty solid "wah wah wahhhhhhh."

i started to pack for vacation, got overwhelmed, then spent five hours working in the yard instead. the christmas lights are up and that is all that matters! the packing will sort itself out.

lolol this contestant didn't know if her partner was a leo or a virgo, and i'm like, "he's a virgo, duh." also, how is $212K enough to set your family up for the rest of their lives?

I just thank the lord that my listening age isn’t 67. A child would never have let me live that down.

call me old fashioned, but i prefer a silent conductor. i do not want to hear aggressive inhalations just before a wild wave of the arms or in one case a goddamn grunt. shhhh. i paid to hear music, not you.

I’m struggling with my focus today. So I wrote out everything I’ve done this year, long hand and in a proper notebook. I decided that the problem may be that I’ve done enough.

Call me a bad parent all you want but I need these children out of my house tomorrow. We did Thanksgiving. We went to THREE museums this weekend. We cut down and decorated a Christmas Tree. Aside from the brief 9 hours they sleep, they have been with us all day for 5 days straight. I am TIRED.

"if you spit in my mouth, i'm going to be done for the day." - my brother's reaction to a scene in a 2025 blockbuster.

Invite him, then end him.

just set my ooo, and this is my last working day this month 😁

Star Wars fans are the worst, lol.

it's exhausting to explain racism to someone who says, "i'm a minority and they don't treat *me* that way." ...that's because you're their *boss*. but it's necessary to keep trying. [no, i didn't mention that using the word minority is pejorative.]

today is the first day of my holiday hiatus™️ from dating apps. may these screenshots hold you over until the new year.

See if we had kept the Me Too men cancelled the first time so much of this could have been avoided

The pro-Nick Fuentes Administration destroying people and institutions on the basis of “fighting antisemitism” has me losing my damn mind. The Nazi-sympathizers pretending to be protectors of American Jews has to be one of the most profound mindfucks in an era rife with them.

after months of trying, the cat finally caught and killed an anole, but she couldn’t figure out how to eat it so its carcass is just on the porch waiting for ants. next time i swear to intervene.

i turned on the football game when they showed the fourth quarter rushing yards. it was low double digits to triple digits, and i was very confused how the score could be so unbalanced. jesus guys, why can't you play the entire game?

If you are a cat owner and you don’t feel compelled to take a 5 minute cat petting break every time you cross paths, you’re a fake fan

I got this useful bon mot from a middle school teacher recently. In response to, “I DONT UNDERSTAND,” he calmly said, “okay what steps have you taken to understand?” And that’s when I realized that a lot of folks have no steps.

Today in #404DeepDive: People are modding Meta Ray-Bans to spy on you. Already, there are videos with millions of views of men using the glasses to film massage workers, asking for happy endings. What's Meta's response? @evystadium.bsky.social has more. More here: podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/p...

It’s not exactly science or law, but no they/thems ever fucked up my flat white

oh so these people do pay attention to who politicians follow on social media, they just don’t care that the vice president follows a bunch of actual neo-nazis

Anyway, AI doesn’t have any value for me in anything I do. I understand this says something about *what* I do. But also? It’s only practically existed for maybe 18 months. I loved and worked almost 45 years without it so yeah, I’m cool.

there are basically not enough republican voters to create enough safe seats to withstand the kind of wave that, for example, turned virginia into a democratic supermajority state for the first time in the modern era of its politics

For years, but especially for the past year, Democrats have been in thrall to the idea that they need to chase an imagined median voter, and adopt that voter’s positions. Mamdani’s victory shows another way: hold principles, and persuade people to share them.

Impossible.

i stayed out super late observing the holiday last night. when i went outside for the cat's yard time, it was raining. there's no rain the forecast!!! i stood still in awe because my sleep-deprived brain absolutely could not compute.

there's one dude who sends me his stuff to approve on friday afternoons because his boss is off for the day. it's routinely the shittiest work (trust that i am familiar with shitty work), and i'm always infuriated to see his emails.

Yes. All the empirics on misinformation indicate that the way to defeat bad ideas is to mock and marginalize them. Constantly declaring "hey the far right isn't so bad" is a terrible strategy both morally and electorally. Dems should be way more comfortable saying "look at these fucking psychos"

the Baylor University homepage goes so hard

my college roommate is in town and gave me zero warning. tonight she’s going to an infamous street of bars. she’ll be there in 20. i’d meet up with her a.n.y.w.h.e.r.e. else in this godforsaken city. then it started raining again. an easy no thank you, please!

At least use 'le bag du canine' or something, have some self respect

someone stopped by to ask about my weekend, then weirdly inquired, did you see your parents this weekend? :no. :don’t they still live *gestures generally* :well, my dad is dead so i definitely didn’t see him. :oh i am sorry. you’re not, but if you’re gonna fuck around, i’ll help you find out.

i cannot work in an office because people will hear me sing softly “everything is stupid. this job is so dumb!”

god bless mateo singing the national anthem in a country that wants to send him anywhere else.

watching glen powell intro to the us grand prix while i read health insurance documents to determine whether i should switch to the high deductible plan. this timeline is so stupid.

I think in general leftists underestimate how far they can push liberals to the left if they are nice to them.

ouch, but yes.

my primary care physician's pre-visit form asked if i had anxiety and when it was first noticed. i put the day i was born. kinda figure it's always been with me.

low key, is "everywhere" by michelle branch about ghosts? or god? 'cause if it's about a person, that person is a shit partner.

Once again, I'm sure I will spend the entire time waiting on tenterhooks for her to get rid of her absolute garbage husband.

oh my god. all seven (yes, SEVEN) year end reviews are written. rip my brain. maybe my soul a little bit too.

a dude just liked me on hinge, and his first photo was obvious ai. what the fuck bro.

usually it takes me *several* weeks to file the rebate for my contact lenses. this year, i filed them the same day i picked up the contacts. the rebates total $225! that's a recession indicator.

the cotton bowl loves an underdog.

Today my dog had an important meeting.

holy shit, brandon flowers looks amazing, and i wasn’t a huge fan however many years ago. that said, i’m just here for jenny was a friend of mine.