why is demi lovato on a ladder

I just held a baby for a solid hour, I no longer require therapy.

Love is sharing locations with a friend and watching them zoom toward you with a banana matcha.

My sister ignored my text for an hour, which is exactly how long it took for me to start looking up studio apartments and trying to figure out if I could afford to live alone.

just read a synopsis of Neon Genesis Evangelion that leads me to believe I didn't actually watch it (oh but I did)

One of my nephew reacts to nausea and needing to throw up by screaming bloody murder, which is super fucking fun.

Did this again today. Where did I go?

Is somebody gonna shave my legs

I love looking up the word hegemony every six months

Putting up motivational posters around the office that just say “pee as often as you need to pee, babygirl”

KBBQ wait 2 hours 45 minutes a lot of people are gonna see me cry tonight. “We can get a few drinks” *gulp*

I have discovered a planet. It is next door. There's an animal there that moves like a hamster, except for its peach hair. Let's go.

a lot more Muse in my life than ever before. strange.

once again the song of the year is catherine wheel’s “here comes the fat controller”

Does anyone remember what time I got in the bath

I could...save money...or I could look at synthesizers.

The way I have like 40 PTO days a year and yet looking at the calendar to ask for time off gives me insane anxiety because WE'RE ALWAYS HAVING A SALE and it gets denied. What is the point.

The amount of time I just spent checked completely out of my skull while sitting at my desk at work was awe-inspiring.

no YOU bought YOURSELF another foxing sweatshirt

The hottest bitch you know is full of ideas.

They say imitation crab is the sincerest form of crab

It's not that I don't think a celebrity should be called "Mr. Beast" it's just that I think he should have to be a professional wrestler or circus performer as is the natural way of things.

Merry Christmas my dad just sent a link to a Laura Loomer tweet.

Please donate to my Kickstarter to make "Morty Supreme," a shot-for-shot remake of "Marty Supreme" with Richard Kind in the Timothée Chalamet role.

Fairly certain I’ve been awake for sixteen years.

my kingdom for alla vodka

I can see where I was storing my Sufjan Christmas set two cars ago, but in this car? Good luck, buddy.

Clearing the side of the bed that’s covered in clothes to fill the void of sleeping alone and I’ve located no less than four bras and three bandanas. More to come.

It looks like the heavens could rain down at any moment and in the distance, an ice cream truck is playing the spookiest possible music.

I keep thinking I have a bow in my hair but no it's my croakies because I thought I'd need to wear a mask at work today.

I don’t know if I’m sick or it’s the fucking air quality trying to kill me so I sang Semi-Charmed Life on my drive to work and fucking nailed it so, I’m fine actually.

I am absolutely locked the fuck in and by that I mean near death

Boyfriend’s making bread and I’m not sure a man has ever been more hot.

There’s a Black phoebe escorting me to my car right now, like some sort of goth Snow White. Although I think Snow White is kind of defaulted to goth actually.

Work and boyfriend got my screen time cut in half, hooray for one of those.

Ok a song where it’s just me screaming à la La Dispute “he said ‘DO YOU WANT ME TO PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR UNTIL YOU FALL ASLEEP?’ HE SAID ‘DO YOU WANT ME TO PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR TIL YOU FALL ASLEEP DARLING”

Does anyone wanna see a really good Getty image of Rita Moreno and Sam The Eagle having dinner in 1979?

important

You know I’m down bad because hearing my boyfriend snore is bringing me joy.

You'll realize things have gone off the rails when I start chirping like R2-D2.

Girlfriend in a coma (bath) I know, I know, it’s serious(ly relaxing)

In the Trader Joe’s muttering “cheeses for my meeces.”

The words “performance balaclava” got me real good in Dick’s rn.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but the generic for Plan B at Costco is $5.99.

Had a hard time at the best buy because the name on my pickup order didn’t match the name on my id (despite my best efforts) and I told the employee that I’m divorced and the names are in limbo and he was like I’m sorry to hear about the divorce and I was like OH NO SIR, BEST IDEA EVER

Nbd spending every Monday in a fugue state is working out really well.

I guess this has probably already gone viral somewhere but I am simply dying at this picture of a bear that looks like it hired a photographer to do a glamour shoot

Bon Iver's Bruce Hornsby era severely underrated.