when my italian grandma is especially mad at me:

starting pluribus ep 1

his name is ollie and he’s currently contemplating my demise

who up mapo’ing they tofu

there is no part of this post that i don’t find delicious, and yes i am starving

i neeeeeed a nye all-nighter right NOW, i can’t wait more days i’m gonna lose it

malt vinegar obvi mayo fiends are sick

tried a different flavor of kat food from the usual because it’s almost half the price and ollie has decided he’s on a hunger strike about it

Gay men whenever they have sex so raunchy it would dethrone Mary Magdalene’s of her place as *the* biblically-significant whore:

my father, to everyone just now: “i think my phone has been hacked! i can’t log in and i keep getting these notifications from Greind-are” me, realizing my phone is missing:

indulging and bulging (tummy)

be the christmas cat you wish to see in the world

need a man to treat me exactly like this

there are fully 78 people in my grandmother’s house right now and they’re all as loud as me i am not built for this

me and That One Cousin in the bathroom at the family christmas party

I just saw Santa. He's skinny now. Ozempic

is there no bottom

this time he’s inhaling

nope that’s staying in the drafts

emergency dispatcher like:

The Supreme Court in 2000:

Grade school health class failed to communicate that I’d be a horny goo factory for the rest of my adult life

what he said

a fun thing that happens when you pull an all-nighter and push through it all the next day is that by about 4pm you lose approximately 98% of your inhibitions who needs tequila when you get ✨insomnia✨ for free?

mission complete

about to throw down more indian food than should be humanly possible

this works on me btw

berry said this literal seconds after liking my bday post lmao

it’s my bday eve

gonna start saying “sure! just as soon as this gif loads to bsky” every time my boss asks me to do impossible sh’t that’s never going to happen

me introducing myself to men like “i’m originally from idaho, tee hee”

i miss fred rogers

“things can look dark, then a break shows in the clouds and all has changed, sometimes rather suddenly hang on to your hat, hang on to your Hope and wind the clock, for tomorrow is another day.” sincerely, e.b. white”

“as long as there is one upright man, as long as there is one compassionate woman, the contagion may spread and the scene is not desolate.” Hope is the thing that is left to us in a bad time.” i shall get up sunday morning and wind the clock as a contribution to order and steadfastness.”

Jesus turned water into wine I turn water into piss We’re two sides of the same coin

how i cook with garlic

i love being functionally illiterate on the internet like who needs a comma a period what even is that for, it’s called being edgy

i’m utterly convinced that if the poligays set their eyes on this goal as the vision our transportation problems would be solved within 2-3 years

are you calling me a harlot, a trollop, a floozy

where i grew up we called this a “rhinestone cowboy” all hat, no cattle

I guess it's fitting that it's a reimagined, worse version of someone else's artwork

nooo don’t sublimate you’re so sexy aha

just counted fourteen different kinds of vinegar in my pantry…

i need a Where Are They Now of this diva

how do you know your dentist is even telling the truth, like IS that really a cavity, bob? or

just got 20 missed calls from an unknown number in salt lake city telling me my student loans were overdue. welcome back jen shah

el oh el

i don’t wear briefs :/