In my latest for @mcsweeneys.net, I declare myself a fashion influencer by never wearing pants ever again. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...

Happy second birthday to my firstborn book, The Minuscule Mansion of Myra Malone. I’m still so very proud of you. www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/708472...

Every cup of coffee is a new opportunity to learn that I actually have no idea where my own mouth is.

This resonates with me so, so very much. I laughed so hard at “he could never fully consume the amount of Train his brain wanted and that made a small part of him burn with rage.” And the sudden disappearance of those things is why I always weep at things like Inside Out. And lots of other things.

The Pomegranate launched last week with an inaugural essay from @clhubes.bsky.social. Enjoy her poignant piece and then subscribe so you don't miss what comes next! www.the-pom.com/p/trains-and...

Is the Wallpaper I’m Hanging Really Stuck On Yet? A Home Improvement Guide Step One: No, it fucking isn’t

For NYE, Should Old Acquaintance suggest anything other than jammies by 8:30, sipping a festive beverage of your choice, prior to a reasonable bedtime in your own bed… …they should definitely Be Forgot and Never Brought to Mind.

Good news guys, I bought a new journal so everything’s all fixed now

I Went to Costco the Sunday Before Christmas And All I Got was these Lousy Heart Palpitations

No one so hungry as the kid who loudly insisted, repeatedly, when asked, that they were not hungry - before arriving in a place where getting food is difficult.

Look, you can either moisturize your face, or you can see through your glasses. You can’t do both. I don’t make the rules.

Look at this tote bag I made from real fabric on an actual sewing machine! I am likely to tote things VERY CONSPICUOUSLY in an effort to get people to ask me where I got my tote bag. (The fabric was scrap from ScrapRVA, which is a wonderland.)

POV: it’s cold but your hands aren’t because your mom knits a mean pair of fingerless gloves

POV: it’s cold but your hands aren’t because your mom knits a mean pair of fingerless gloves

Anyone who doesn’t believe in multiverses or time travel has never met a mom coordinating schedules in December.

Gonna start a company called “Ugh, PANTS” for people who can never find pants that fit right. These won’t fit right either, but at least you’ll know we hate it too.

Hard to think of a better birthday gift than landing my 25th piece in @mcsweeneys.net (other than landing a successful Kickstarter to actually develop this thermostat). www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...

"Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any space to 28 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously warming it to 114."

On the 9th day of Advent, McSweeney's gave to me…my own little Nutcracker piece in a tiny book! Since today is, coincidentally, my birthday, this was a delightful surprise. If you don’t have the calendar, you can still read the piece here: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/her... @mcsweeneys.net

"The partners assigned to you are always wet behind the ears and constantly asking questions."

Tonight’s throwback holiday humornament is for all of you who may have fallen behind on the whole decking-the-halls thing and need help to pull off the job: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/are...

I know we don’t believe in holiday miracles, but my kids have asked for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner every night this week, so we may want to reconsider

I really appreciate those little clips and ties that keep my kids’ gloves together so they can lose them both at the same time

Carol of the Bells is just “Pachelbel’s Canon (Christmas Remix)” and no I will not explain

Weather’s got a lot of nerve being this cold and not snowing

Hello. It is The Holidays. I have 3 old Christmas ornaments of humor - Humornaments, if you will - to (re)share. I’ll do one tonight and the other two soonish. The first was my first-ever viral piece, and I’m sharing it again as I nibble a shortbread cookie. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/are...

You can cut the “GET THESE KIDS BACK IN SCHOOL TOMORROW” in this grocery store with a knife

Opened the first gorgeous little funny book in my @mcsweeneys.net Advent calendar this morning, and it was such a bright spot of giggling in my day. As you open them you reveal each title. My Nutcracker piece is inside one of these and I can’t wait to see the art. Pick one up!!

Happy Predawn Carcass Wrestling Day to all who celebrate.

I have entered my pear era. All I want to eat lately is pears. We’re in prime “what the hell do I get this person - wait, a MAIL ORDER BASKET OF PEARS,” so I’m cozying up to people who are impossible to shop for, waiting to be the port in their impending pear storm.

I feel like the kid in middle school who got along with everyone really well in elementary but over the summer got really awkward and gawky and other words with “awk” in them… But I’m here-ish. I may not be back to full-bore quippy- maybe not ever - but I’m happy to see so many faces I’ve missed.

Happy one-year birthday to the wang-iest piece I’ve ever written. Also cannot tell you how many times I’ve told someone to “make like an organ and pipe down” since I invented it. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...

I don’t have backup singers, but you’d better believe I’ve thought about how they’d help me celebrate this New Yorker piece if I did. www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-...

In a bit of irony, I missed celebrating Emotional Labor Day because there was much to do www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ple...

Important Dog Update: baby boy continues to be baby; nose becomes more boopable by the day

Prayers to Saint Tetris, Our Lady of Family Beach Vacations; Benevolent Spirit of Making All This Shit Fit Back in the Minivan

Don’t mind me, just out here in the cold wind like all these other Sunrise Paparazzi, hollering at the orb to show a little more leg

My husband looked up from something of mine he was reading and asked “so, is every tub you write a claw foot tub?” And on the one hand, shut up, and on the other hand, yes, but that is because every tub is a claw foot tub IN MY HEART

Gonna take me a while to find/be found by all of you but I’ll try to leave a breadcrumb-y path of bad mom jokes to lead the way.

[insert puckish comment here]