The Democratic establishment fails because they always, without fail, sideline their best, most passionate people. It was a weird strategy that worked in 1992 because the discussion then was between whole milk and 2%. We're not talking about milk anymore. Chuck (verb) Schumer—he's a wet sock.

Not sure what happened. We were supposed to be safe. #Rapture2025 #LeftBehind

On this historic day, Donald Trump linked Tylenol to the Epstein files.

BREAKING: Tylenol has been linked to an increased lack of headache.

A word of advice: Any time someone in a fascist-leaning regime says, "we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way," make them do it the hard way. There is literally no benefit to letting them have it easy, even if you know they will ultimately get their way.

Anti-ANTIFA is just FA.

Typos are the chicken bones and tea leaves of our time.

At this point I wouldn't be surprised if Trump's special announcement is that he's pregnant with Putin's baby. It would help explain the edema and the mood swings.

Jean-Paul Sartre is famous for saying "Hell is other people". Maybe we'd all be famous if we only told the truth like that.

So now that all those guys who thought they wanted AR15s to stop the advance of a tyrannical government are having to come to terms with the fact they really aren't going to do that, can we finally have a realistic conversation about which firearms are truly compatible with civil society?

I'm just waiting for RFK Jr. to bring back lead paint. He ate plenty of it in his childhood, and clearly he's fine…

"Gag order" never quite means what I want it to.

Being perfectly honest, there were a few years there when I wasn't entirely certain what my wife's last name was. It's Jones, in case you're wondering.

Pedo Cheeto.

BREAKING: Search of John Bolton's home yields giant tub of mustache wax.

Why does JD Vance always look like he's about to get under the table and start licking one of its legs?

Never underestimate the power of the lady at the DMV.

Kleptoparasitism.

I think we have to assume anything Tulsi Gabbard has access to, Vladimir Putin does too.

I don't like granita, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

Y'all aren't listening—really LISTENING—to classical guitar music, and it shows.

NOTHING I SAY MATTERS VERY MUCH. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

If Donald Trump wants to hide the homeless out of embarrassment, he should hide them… wait for it… in houses! No one will think to look for them there.

Pam Bondi is Trump's Ghislaine Maxwell.

Someone who is good with AI, PLEASE make a clip of Trump as Mr. Creosote and JD Vance offering him a "Wafer thin mint."

Instead of "Breaking News" maybe we should have "Breaking Nose". Just a suggestion,,

What do you mean 'wankorama' isn't a word? NYT Spelling Bee editors are a bunch of fascists.

The whole Epstein debacle is like the MAGAs actually found a snipe on a snipe hunt, and now they don't know what to do with it.

I'm still more concerned about the treatment of immigrants and the funding of ICE into a secret police megalith than I am about anything regarding the Epstein files.

My prediction: Ghislaine Maxwell pardoned, Pam Bondi fired, Trump says "I didn't really know her" of both, the MAGA base accepts whatever cognitive dissonance is required to believe incompatible "truths", SCOTUS decides all presidents should be immune from prosecution, except Obama and Biden.

The Telemann recorder concertos are under-appreciated. There, I said it. It needed saying. Now as you were, hating Trump and planning the resistance.

"Undocumented immigrants pay $100 billion in taxes a year. The rich dodge $170 billion in taxes a year. So if you really want to deport the freeloaders..." ⁻ ᴳⁱᵛᵉ ᴬ ˢʰⁱᵗ ᴬᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᴺᵃᵗᵘʳᵉ

I know it's unlikely to happen, but all of CBS talent should walk out in protest of the cancellation of Colbert. Tank the value of CBS for capitulating to the regime.

There's no difference between feeding folks to alligators and feeding them to ovens. MAGA, you are the bad guys.

It says a lot about me, and not flatteringly, that my default response when I hear someone is pregnant is to say, "Oh no!" and then have to follow it up with, "Oh, you mean in a GOOD way." 🤦

Today's pet peeve: people who pronounce it 'cilantro'. You know which pronunciation I mean.

The fucking around to finding out ratio seems way off to me. Seems there should be a lot more finding out going on.

The inability of the Democratic establishment to get behind Mamdani, even some trying to scuttle his efforts, is exactly the myopia that makes the party fail in the grand scheme. It's why we still have Schumer, and why Crockett and AOC keep getting sidelined. It's like they want to lose.

Just how many people does Elon Musk think want to join a party for Nazi-adjacent Technogarchs? If he can manage to fracture the MAGA hold on the GOP while sinking his own brand even further, more power to him.

At this point what's stopping Trump from redefining what "citizenship" means so that it can be revoked for anyone? Asking for 300 million friends.

A weird hill I'll die on: People who say 'opus' when they mean 'magnum opus' should be sent to the same hell reserved for those who say 'penultimate' when they actually mean 'ultimate'. This is one gradient of hell less severe than for those who say 'irregardless'.

Movie you’ve watched more than six times using gifs (hard mode, no SW, ST, or LOTR

I just watched No Country for Old Men for probably the sixth time. I honestly think it's a perfect film.

BREAKING: When asked his opinion about the possibility of war with Iran, Vice President JD Vance replied, "I'd rather take on the ottomans."

I know there's a lot of important things going on in the world, but I have to say, I think my favorite animal is the Komodo dragon.

I mean…North Korean state TV is actually correct.😂