I’ve always loved the part of the Jonah and the Whale story when he’s on a ship and the weather is so bad that the ships crew throw him overboard If I were a ships captain I would do the exact same thing. First sign of bad weather I’m chucking whoever I don’t like overboard

Frantically fumbling to open porn on my phone so my wife doesn’t see me staring at the original Clarence White B-Bender telecaster

Butthole Surfers don’t get enough credit for also making one of the best post rock songs of all time

How I bring my wife a glass of water tbh

Thinking about the stone cold classic cheesy broccoli rice I made last night It’s a favorite for a reason babyyy

“Devin Booker vs. Entire Knicks Lineup” -NBA (2026) • “The Torment of Saint Anthony” - Michelangelo (1478)

*Red Jumpsuit Apparatus voice* Do you feel like a man when you push ET around Do you feel better now, as ET falls to the ground

Just saw a guy still wearing Toms shoes in 2026 and I saluted him like a soldier returning home

I know this happened a few years ago, but every once in a while I think about how Dolly Parton was put on the nomination list for Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees and she was like “Nah. No thanks.” And took her name off the list. Dolly Parton, punk icon.

If I was in the nba I would start fights during the Christmas Day games I’m gonna shoot a three and egregiously throw my leg up to kick you in the nuts on Christmas, no days off babyyyy

Just heard my coworker say “epic fail” unironically

Please stop calling my beautiful salad chopped

Love the dead cosplaying as cowboys Gotta be one of my favorite genres RIP Bob

i'm all probed up uh huh huh

Wooah momma these crazy little mars cats are tryin’ to put a baby in the king

Becoming a “Retvrn” guy but it’s for the 90’s Fleer Ultra graphic cards We used to be a proper country

Stuffed mushroom and pesto penne

Off work and on my way home to my beautiful wife and her Sunday dinner got me feeling like

Miles Davis requested the U2 album “The Unforgettable Fire” to be played while he was on his death bed

Larry the Cucumber and Bob the Tomato actually hated each other and only pretended to get along for the tv show All the stories from on set are about what a toxic work environment it was whenever they were shooting together

You must buy your wife at least as many accessories as you buy your guitar

My Algerian coworker went to Olive Garden for the first time last night and it’s all he can talk about today he loved it so much

I watched all of band of brothers are there wasn’t a single guitar solo what a shitty fucking band

Went to visit my buddy Dr Jekyll in his laboratory but instead of the upstanding gentleman scientist I knew I found the evil and deformed corpse of Mr Hyde??

Just found out my coworker of six years can do a flawless Lois from family guy impression and she’s been holding out on us this entire time I’m so mad I’m shaking rn it’s like 1:1 perfect I can’t believe it

Ferdinand VII was somehow the ugliest Bourbon monarch, and that’s saying something!! The desired one?? Not by me!

In the 80s there was a big strike at the dick sucking factory and Raegan had the Pinkertons rough up the dick sucking Union bosses

OUT for 2026: podcasting IN for 2026: podracing

Least problematic Jimmy Page collab

I can’t stop talking like the colonel from avatar

Gut biome? Yeah dude my gut wants to buy-o-me a freaking milkshake am I right fellas????

Heirloom tomato, spinach and pesto on focaccia

When my coworker asks me advice on upgrading his daughters guitar amp from a little 5w practice amp to something gigable

Cigarette advertising was so subversive and evil, and it’s obviously targeted at the youth to make them take up smoking because it’s “cool” *my wife leaves the room* If I had three wishes I’d wish for more wishes so I could bring Joe Cool back to life one million times

I forgot John Kerry was in this movie

*Levon Helms voice* Don’t do it

When Chuck Berry said “All I want for Christmas is a rock and roll electric guitar” He was so right

They were out of labubus but I think my wife is going to love this

We love to laugh at the antics of Bugs Bunny, but in reality he would be a menace and I hope and pray that any judge in the country would throw the book at him

Pave paradise and out up a parking lot With a boutique AND a swinging hot spot?? Okay hold on now Joni this sounds like a pretty prettyyyy good trade off to be honest And a dollar and a half to get into a tree museum is honestly very reasonable

Texas Tornados are the greatest supergroup ever because of their music is impeccable and also they’re ugly as hell babyyy

Tuning my guitar at full stage volume with an app on my phone

In the opening to his cover of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” Springsteen asks his band if they’ve been practicing their instruments real good so Santa will bring them presents If you’re a musician and you dont practice you’re headed right for the naughty list. Probably hell too

A grey alien opening up a dossier and sliding a small stack of papers towards you “On March 21st 2022 did you tweet ‘Me and my buddies would have killed ET with hammers?’”

there’s nothing worse than a friendship with a woke gap

The woke cashier at the store refused to say Happy Honda Days to me and instead just kept saying “Merry Christmas”

Whoever invented the turducken probably had some other really fucked up ideas too

ever since I was a baby I knew it was my destiny to pay fourteen dollars for a burrito