Y'all I hid all my drugs from the house cleaner (I know, I'm high Lucille Bluth) & I forgot where. I truly am a walking bad sitcom plot.

It blows my gd mind that I may die for proper democracy 4,500 miles & 40 years away from where I was born into occupation. Apparently I have a fate. 😬

I opened the door & a fricking bird flew straight over my head & into the house. Lily had him in her jaws in my living room upstairs, idk HOW bff managed to get it out of her mouth but she did, we took him outside & I assumed he was like, very dead but he just FLEW AWAY. Pretty big day for Lily.

My babushka. 🖤

Not my pic but we've had a couple of Carolina Wrens show up this year & omg do they have a glorious little song! He stares at us through the living room windows if there's not enough seed for his liking & I love him. I love all the birds here, you really get to "know" them.

There were loud construction sounds outside, so Butters (bff's elderly boy) came upstairs to get away from that. The eyes! 👀.

if the national guard and ICE goons ever get deployed to Pittsburgh, i think we should all dress up like Mister Rogers in cardigans and Keds, or characters from his show. imagine the optics of cowardly bullies pointing rifles at people cosplaying the kindest person & characters in history

🚨 INTERSPECIES FRIENDSHIP UPDATE 🚨 Lily Belle loves Xena & wants to snuggle so much.

Lily is a nursery kitty, she's been following me around since Josey passed. One critical difference: Lily also has a gloriously floofy belly but you are NOT allowed to touch it. Not that she flaunts it or anything.

I've never seen a dogwood do this so we discovered that it's a Kousa dogwood, native to east asia. Apparently the fruit is edible and has a mild, sweet taste, though it is often left for birds to eat (which we'll do). They're just such pretty little berries.

Bff's ex (who is terrified of me) sent her a text that confirms what I assumed was true: he drives by her house regularly. Then he used that (a box on the porch) to starting sending bff weird little texts. & I realized bc I'd JUST explained it to her: this 65 year old bully dipshit is a fuck boi!

Butters fell asleep hugging his ducky. 🥹

Hello my name is Clare & I'd pay a zillion dollars to sleep through the night.

Lily by candlelight.

Could be any one of a zillion things but my tummy hurts so badly, I literally cannot stand up. Which would be fine except excessive laying about makes me sad. Thank god for good TV, I can't even read.

Xena prays that someone will throw her toy. Bc no one EVER plays with her. 😢

My legs are getting so weak, soon I won't be able to walk at all w/o assistance. It's fucking terrifying & I'm so tired (haven't slept AT ALL for 48+ hours), I keep bursting into tears. I never cry, I honestly can't remember the last time. I'm just bloody tired of it. I just want to walk. 😭

Oh god I'm out of zofran. Tomorrow's professors are about to find out I am not playing about the brain tumor. 🤮 I feel guilty for being so dejected. I have so much, & so many are going through much worse. But i still feel hella...sad I guess. Idk I'm not good at emotions.

I am working so hard in school, but I've also not been able to sit up for more than 5-10 minutes lately. Idk what the point of any of it is if I can't function. I can't work like this. I feel no hope. So I'm going to sedate myself to sleep & god willing find some hope to keep me going.

I'm going through a rough patch & I just realized something: yesterday I was standing out on the back porch while the dogs ran around & I was crying. Chronic disease/pain sickness gets to you. Anyway, bff was there & never once tried to hug me or even touch my arm or something. She gets me.

So we couldn't find a matched set but: check out the cabinet next to the fireplace. Soon it'll be filled with the amazing art her parents made & the folded flag her mother (WW2) was given when he passed.

Y'all I discovered a new crack: found all my ex's devices lurking on my streaming accounts & yeeted them. Dude makes mid 6 figures, he can afford Hulu. These were ALL his. Emphasis on WERE.

I'd like to do an ancestry thing but with my da...I know I have half siblings all over the word & idk want to deal with that. Maybe im missing out but commitment is not my strong suit.

It took me forever to realize it was an issue but now I do yet I still often have a hard time remembering that how I feel this instant/day is not how I'll feel forever. Back to classes tomorrow after being sick, I'm caught up but WILDLY uncomfortable. Today. 😬

I love this time of day in my bedroom. With the door closed it looks like El Dorado, but then you open the door & it's just golden light. ☀️

My fall baby at rest. 🖤🧡

Every once in a while, I remember that a creative writing professor my first year at uni *marked me down* bc she'd never heard of "whatever a Boston Brahmin is." She just, said it with her whole self, zero shame. She wrote that DOWN. I wonder if she ever looked it up.

In retrospect the fact that *all* of my ex husbands dealers were super hot or what we used to call "get out fine," was a pretty big clue.

This is Lily. She's bff's kitty, about 4 years old. She is a hilarious, very confident little thing. After Josey Wales passed, she started showing up in my bed. She's always right next to me when I wake up. And Xena ADORES her. Good girl.

Not to brag (lie), but I am identify the fuck out of amines based on skeletal structure. I may fail the first exam but I am going to get better.

Idk how I went 3 years to university before discovering this amazing thing. ANY extra weight makes my legs weaker (to the point that I'll just slowly collapse to the ground), so only needing to carry my iPad to school is MASSIVE. Plus it's so neat & tidy! Don't check my work, it's not great.

Contemplative Xeners. 🖤🧡

In retrospect, I never gave Salt-n-Peppa their proper due. Their shit holds up! In my defense, I was an Irish child, & I assumed popular music couldn't also be good.

My dog LOVES her auntie, 😂

I owe bff everything, & I'd gladly give her anything. Except I have this poor kid thing about food & it makes me profoundly uncomfortable to share it. I made choc chip Rice Krispie treats today & as generous as I usually am, I wanted to scream this as I watched her cut a piece.

We have this awesome hedge between us & the neighbors (his hedge i think). Scores of sparrows live in it, it's basically an apartment building for them. For whatever reason tonight they were straight FASCINATED by Butters, they gathered to watch him do his eveing ablutions. Little weirdos.

I was looking through pics from last year to see what the maple tree outside my living room turns soon & was not disappointed. I'll miss the flowers but my rooms are cozy af in the fall.

Long story involving Harry's disinterest in my living here, he pees on my stuff a lot. He recently carpet bombed my living room/library/office so I got the chance to get a new rug. I don't love that's Harry is unhappy but I love this rug so...silver linings I guess.

bff ran errands today & one of the them was supposed to be "get whipped cream cheese," bc that's how we give medicine to the dogs. They were out of stock so bff got whipped cream. Long story short: 50 year old me just taught mid sixties bff how to take a whippit. My girl is WILDING.

Nobody wants to Wang Chung tonight & that's sad.

Music is a big deal for me, I kind of score my life. Which is why when the divorce was final, I sent my ex a playlist I'd made for him. I know he didn't understand it but I wonder if he ever listened. I know it felt amazing.

Spoiler (mild but still) for Resident Alien: eventually there's a baby alien & oh good lord idk how they did it but it's SO CUTE.

No one does a heckin' concern better than Xena. It's the eyebrows I think.

He's been in prison for idk how long now & he somehow got hotter?! To paraphrase the internet "this man's face card does not decline."

I have recurring anxiety that someday I'll be the only witness to a big crime, but I can't give a description (bc face blind). I'm guessing "he was beigey & had a tweaky vibe" would not be a case cracker.

Did anyone else think being called by destiny/history would be like, way better than this? This sucks.

You guys I'm too tired to war rn. But I'm def way too tired to run. Related: I used to pass this Bunker Hill grave marker on a city sidewalk (in Somerville) every day. I get it dude.

There is nowhere better to toss out compliments than a large public university. Every single kid looks like a super model, or has the coolest hair, or makeup or whatever. the way their faces light up at a compliment from An Adult (they don't know) is the best.

Y'all, I am super worried about bff's lil doggy. He's 13 I think, has been fit as a fiddle til about 2 weeks ago. He's had a complete checkup but he's going back bc he won't eat. I'm worried about bff, but also super worried for Xeners, she ADORES Butters.

Xena hopes you had a good Monday.