It's not a proper diy trash project if I'm not actively muttering "jesus christ silas, what the fuck" by the end of it, and also nearly throwing up in my mouth just by looking at it

The jury has reached a verdict, he is orange

Time to go to the department of cars to prove to them that I still own my car Like guys why would I lie about that, it's right there

Apollo 13 remake, but it's just them scrambling to DIY a functioning toilet

Artemis II primary mission status: SUCCESS (escaped Florida)

The first message back from the crew of the moon rocket was about how there isn't a proper filter installed in the water line for the onboard toilet They sent them to the moon for 10 days and the toilet's broke

I'm going to the moon does anyone need anything

Born too late to see the powerpoint, born too early watch Matt eat a salsa parfait Born just in time for wood stuff

-- beavers when they work hard all night to build a dam on the nearby creek only to find it flowing again when they wake up in the morning

Incels that journal be writing m'moirs

Fuck it, baseball during my closing shift

I think I'll take my whiskey blaaaack My coffee black and my bed's all black I can't see a thing

Damn these ball players sure are covering all their bases haha

Had to change DnD plans last minute, so some of us went and did a trivia night instead. We didn't get first place but I'd argue we got the actual best score

I be at the function scrolling on my phone shopping for a bidet

God this stresses me out so much for some reason. Who are you? Why are you invisible? Why are you reposting if I can't see you?? What is happening???

Don't worry, I remembered the bins

Enjoying drinking a beer and watching my friends play games on line

I've always heard that it's best to start with the 3rd story mission and skip the first two

Shown't

Everyone sshhh, my show* is on *Traffic is backed up in front of the coffee shop because of a train passing by and everyone is so upset about it

You're telling me a crab ran this goon?

You're jogging past me on a Friday afternoon, getting some cardio in and exercising your body I'm walking to get a burrito and smoking a cigarette while on day 13 of forgetting to eat vegetables We are NOT the same

Julia just scared me so bad I dropped my gun

It's Yard Work Day, aka, I know I'll never have my own house so I'm cosplaying homeownership in the ways that I can Day

Before watching the Dune 3 trailer: yeah I dunno, maybe I’m Dune’d out right now. After watching the Dune 3 trailer: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE CLOCK, IT’S WORM TIME!!!

I'm so glad they finally had the balls to create a new Oscars category just for the ides

Conan O'Brother

we’re going up, up, up, in our togas you know our plot is unfolding gotta be brutus emboldened oh, up, up, up with stab motions caesar’s blood gonna be flowing gotta be brutus emboldened

-- everyone else admiring the wound in Julius' back

I got a hot knife, who wants a stab? -- Brutus, probably

i will pay one million dollars for a sims stream

A literal endless onslaught of laundry. I don't even own that much clothing. Wtf.

I'm not releting the rypo

Really nice of the IRS to buy me some new rools

Pleased to be in a good band

Could be worse. Probably will be.

*fury road font* Freekin Weekend

*I wanna rock voice* I wanna game

Lol this is the new advertisement above the building that my coffee shop is in. Not even putting in any effort anymore, just, "meh, thing"

in the cars universe the matrix was directed by the kachowski sisters

Made a shelf for hell bathroom that I was able to stain using a solution that I quite literally made out of trash I am finally living up to my name

Sure sex is great and all, but have you ever seen a group of middle aged white people heading straight for your coffee shop, only to turn at the last minute and go to the restaurant next door instead?

If they just made plumbing that lasted forever and didn't leak, then we wouldn't need plumbers, and I also wouldn't have to pretend to be one for an evening

Thank God I'm getting a fat tax refund this year, I'll actually be able to afford these fuckin gas prices!! Haha what else is goin on, uh

A dream is a wish your fart makes

Do you think he's gonna say something nice about women today

When I cast my vote for president of the United States, I am going to write in the phrase "baked in a buttery, flaky crust". That's who I want as the president of the United States. Not the guy who says it, but the phrase "baked in a buttery, flaky crust". I think that phrase should be president.

Whatever the mental health equivalent is of those videos where a guy air fries a bunch of burritos, grinds them up into a powder to make "burrito seasoning", and then uses them to season meat in a new batch of burritos, and then grinds those up and makes tortillas out of them to make a new batch of

Taxesn't