Kids tonight a bit tense. Erin isn't here and staying at boyfriend's family home. They're visiting me every 15 minutes offering to share the treats I bought them with me. New home vibes. It's all unfamiliar and bit creepy. We have a cellar. They didn't know.

Let me pop some balloons about Andy Burnham dragging investment away from London and South into the Midlands and further North by giving an example. If HS2 had started being built in the North and worked down, it would be finished by now and connected to London.

THEY. HAVE. OPENED. A. CRAFT. ALE. MICRO. PUB. A. STREET. AWAY. FROM. MY. NEW. HOUSE!!!

I've been driving a massive white van for a couple of days and it's having an effect upon me.

Me to new owner, "I'll clean the carpets and get everything ready for you in a couple days" Them, "Nah, don't ya bother lad. The carpets, kitchen & bathrooms are all getting ripped out and changed before we move in. Don't be wasting tha time & money" "Fair enough, cheers"

I'm trying to figure out the oven in the new place without it burning the house down. It's seems like new and never used. Like the previous owner never cooked.

Big shout out to my eldest Erin and her boyfriend Shaun who helped out with the move today while the younger two were at school. Legs, arms, backs and necks all aching! Painkillers all round. Bottle of wine open (for me). Previous post deleted because they didn't want the image posting. Fair enough❤️

Substack write up of the 16-year-old Drivers on benefits Debunk 👇🏼 open.substack.com/pub/monkdebu...

LOL #Sony #Playstation

I submit exhibit A. (with Alt text)

My son made tarts the other day. He burnt half and the other half could be used as deadly projectiles in slingshots whilst giving a strawberry jam aroma.

Ben Cullen, a leading figure of the "Raise the Colours" campaign, will stand trial for three separate charges regarding a total of 78 indecent images of children. I have only seen this covered in local newspapers, so far. Grim as it is, it needs wider coverage www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/2624087...

The Rookie. Episode 1, Series 1. Walk in the park compared to a certain street back in the 90s where everyone, EVERYONE, got arrested after a pitched battle with a stag-do from Featherstone.

I think when the kids are licking their plates after giving them lemon and herb breadcrumbed fillet of sole, spiced potato wedges and smoked paprika & garlic baked beans, it's a mark of approval. Just trying to make what could taste ordinary, to tasting extraordinary.

Mr. Beast: "We're going to bury you for 3 months in a bunker, with only enough food for one meal a day. You'll be in darkness for 16 hours with 8 hours of light, subjected to random noises & disgusting tasks to perform. If you make it to the end you get $1.5million" Me: "Great! A holiday."

Today's pseudo-science bullshit: "Today, science tells us that the essence of nature is passion. Nature is the deeper meaning of truth, and of us. The solar system is bursting with vibrations. We must empower ourselves and fulfill others. By redefining, we grow. We believe, we exist, we are reborn."

Pseudo-profound bullshit generator. If you want to sound like a Wellness influencer just press 'Reionize Electrons' at the top. sebpearce.com/bullshit/

In the car to school this morning from Gabriel, "What does 'conclude' mean?" "Okay. There's chocolate missing from the fridge. I ask who took it. You both deny taking it. There's chocolate around Saffron's mouth, so I 'conclude' from the available evidence that she nicked it." "Oh, I get it now"

Posting this Red Admiral butterfly sunning itself on a bench that let me get quite close to it.

This is a disingenuous headline by the BBC. What the independent enquiry found was that white children on free school meals attained less educationally in comparison to white children who were not. This only gives fodder for the racists to twist. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Took Saffron to her transition day at big school. Felt a little like her first day at primary. She didn't want a public hug. She wanted to look 'grown up'. Erin, on the way back home, "She'll be fine when she goes in September. She's pretty, so will be popular. Unlike me in the geek girl club"

Had to put my car heater on to 18°c to take the chill off. Wonderful 🙂

Goodnight all.

Gabriel: "What's this? I thought we were getting teriyaki chicken stir fry tonight?" Saffron: "Yeah? Why are we getting beans & little sausages on toast?" Me: "Well, when I asked you to help myself & Erin tidy up & vacuum, you chose to mess around & do nothing. I did warn you."

My eldest daughter has named her boyfriend ❤️💖Honey Bunny Shmumpkins💖❤️ and has changed her contacts to show that whenever he calls or messages her. He hates it. She has done it deliberately to torment him. I'm proud of her.

That passport will plunge America into a laughing stock and further isolation. The Trump currency note when it's printed, may be the only currency (apart from the Reichsmark during the 30s) to be worth less AS it's being printed, than the face denomination.

I just want to let everyone know that I am completely naked under all of my clothes 😘

Me: "WHICH OF YOU DIRTY LITTLE HEATHENS HAS BEEN CUTTING THEIR TOENAILS USING MY SCISSORS AND THEN LEAVING THEIR DISGUSTING TOENAILS ON MY BED!!!" I hear a squeak from Gabriel from the lounge. That answers that

Saw two of my youngest daughters primary school teachers filling up two large ice coolers with ice pops for all the kids this afternoon. The PTA paid for them.

My brother has bought himself a .22 air rifle to shoot pigeons. He never ceases to amaze and appal me.

Nice thunderstorm and rain to cool things down a bit this morning, but I believe this is going to be like throwing water onto the hot stones in a sauna.

I have put my youngest daughter & son in cool water in the bath twice tonight for 15 minutes. Once when they came home (no complaints allowed) & they were red cheeked and grumpy. Then for another when they went and played outside when it was cooler. 24°C! Plenty of fluids.

Seems to be a lot of selective memory in UK's right-wing newspapers about schools not closing during the 1976 heatwave. I just checked and, yes, many schools did close early as well as allow parents to "keep their children at home if they wish". This clipping from London Evening News, 29 June 1976

Today's heat warnings aren't overreactions; they are about public awareness and safety. In 1976, entirely preventable heat exposure caused roughly 250 deaths a day over an 8 week period. A statistic they are actively trying not to repeat.

Random fact: If you have blue eyes (or green) you are directly genetically linked to a single dark skinned, black haired individual born 6,000 to 10,000 years ago around the Black Sea area of Europe. Before then, every human had brown eyes.

Important. I had it with my son and eldest daughter a few years ago. It's happening with my youngest daughter now. It can happen rapidly. One minute fine, the next...

Hello there squirrel. You must be warm in that fur coat, mate.

Last year, Govt won a £122m judgment against Douglas Barrowman and Michelle Mone's company PPE Medpro, for supplying defective PPE The company had been emptied of cash and collapsed Now its liquidators are suing Barrowman, Mone and associated companies personally Short 🧵

But Captain, it'snbkbjyujesusitshotfucjk

Good news all UK citizens. The British Antarctica territory is -21°C and is expecting snow.

Erin has brought a 2 metre long marshmallow for us to share. Halfway through, I observed to her it's like we're eating a long piece of intestine. "Oh, my god! It's delicious though!"

Given the weather, my advice, don't wear blue.

Eldest daughter listening to 'Dark Side of the Moon' tonight. "I feel it's trying to hack my subconscious"

Don't know what you're all complaining about. Muhahaha!

🚨 The cardigan alert for the west coast near Cleveleys has gone from three to two cardigans. Repeat: Two cardigans 🚨

U.K. Weighs Social Media Ban Of Everyone Except Old Men Who Grow Big Vegetables https://theonion.com/u-k-weighs-social-media-ban-of-everyone-except-old-men-who-grow-big-vegetables/

Trump orders missile strikes upon the green algae in the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool. "The algae was developing nuclear weapons and it is now completely and utterly destroyed", states Trump.

Took me a few seconds to realise it was a curling iron set.

My advice to Burnham. Pick one right-wing media outlet. Relentlessly attack it, discredit it, humiliate it and undermine it until it collapses. Do it publicly and viciously. Then move onto the next on the list. It's amazing how quickly they capitulate and become your gimps.