I am so sorry; postponing the Dispatch stream until tomorrow (Tuesday). After cooking dinner and cleaning up the kitchen and doing laundry I am in way more pain than I thought I would be and I'm not going to be very good company for a bit. And I don't want to do a short stream of such a good game.

For those wondering, visceral fat is the stuff *behind* the abdominal wall, around the organs. There is no pleasant jiggle to it. It's the stuff that causes nasty health issues. It's so dumb because I look like I'm soft, but if I tense my abs It's like hitting rock. As my sisters have found out.

I'm in a bit of a no-win situation as far as nutrients go right now. I want to grow my boobs and butt, which should call for high caloric, high fat intake. But I desperately need to reduce my visceral fat right now for health reasons as well as personal image reasons. So low fat, low cal. Argh.

Oof. Maybe I just get really really over-dramatic when I'm both depressed and eepy. Few hours of sleep and I'm wondering why I wrote all that. ...I mean, yeah, I wasn't lying, but for crying out loud keep it together Kim! x_x;; Back to bed now. Love you all. 💜

And no, I don't have a martyr complex. I just know the limits of my worth.

And above all, everyone has to feel that things are Fine and Normal. Because I've always been the constant one, the unchanging one. I can't help them if they think I'm falling apart. I don't matter. They matter. They're important. Not me. I screwed up my life already. They still have chances.

It's like nothing matters and everything matters and I want to go and I want to stay and I am just so tired but I can't rest because the job isn't done yet and it probably never will be and besides I don't want to go but everything sucks here but it doesn't because I have friends and repeat.

So many people have told me that I can talk to them when I feel like this. That they want to help. That they're here for me. I can't put anything into words. It's a pervasive malaise, a despair that eats at my mind, other overly artistic metaphors. I don't *know* what is going on. Or how to say it.

Listening to 2085 and hearing AJR singing "You've gotta get better, you're all that I've got" immediately put me back to late 2024 and thinking that at Mom. Over and over again. Didn't help, of course.

I keep thinking of one of the repeated lines from a song. Can't remember the song's name. "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier..."

I really wish I had money. Not for myself, but so I could subscribe to the streamers that are so kind to me. So that I could purchase merch from the people selling stuff to put a roof over their heads. So I could donate to everyone I see on here trying to stay alive. I want to help, and I can't.

Just some shooting of bots in Battlefield 2042. May do other things later depending on time and feelings. :3 www.twitch.tv/kurika_78

It is time for Dead Rising 4! Not Destiny 2! www.twitch.tv/kurika_78

#NekrolinArt #MelonsandCurves #watercolor

Sometimes you just accept things as a part of your day to day, so take a second and say out loud... "We're making a game called Truck-kun is Supporting Me From Another World?! where you play the truck in an Isekai story." You can think "...hell yeah..." if you like! It's coming out next year!

It's always a bit challenging when something asks me about my medical history. They NEVER give enough space to put everything in. Not enough space for medications, for past surgeries, for anything. x_x

I can't even cope with what's going on in my own life most of the time, how the hell am I supposed to cope with any of the stuff that keeps coming up in the news? x_x

Great googly moogly, @tembrooke.bsky.social , did you see this?!? o_o youtu.be/kH1XlwHQv9o?...

Time for some Dispatch! Censored, unfortunately, but Twitch gonna Twitch, y'know? www.twitch.tv/kurika_78

Just playing some Battlefield 2042. I was supposed to do this yesterday, what with the new schedule and all, but I didn't. So instead, unscheduled stream! www.twitch.tv/kurika_78

Shpuld not have listened to this one. Good mood gone. music.youtube.com/watch?v=YsZV...

repost to give those 2 or 3 followers who always like your weird posts a little forehead kiss & a grilled cheese cut diagonally

For all the people who were optimistic that we were "winning," that the checks and balances system was keeping Trump more or less under control, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS. The man doesn't CARE. He simply doesn't. Warnings mean nothing to him, because he knows they will not be backed up with action.

*opens up news* ...holy fucknuggets. So much for 2026 being better. Any country out there want an unemployed, disabled, trans female who really doesn't want to be here any more but lacks the capability to do anything about it? x_x

Have you ever had dreams or daydreams where you're the big hero? You save everyone, all that jazz? I have those from time to time. But every time it ends the same way. Success, but at a cost. The whole heroic sacrifice thing. Do everything right but lose anyway. My brain hates me.

And then, along with the migraine I woke up with, came 2026's first crop of dark thoughts. How long would it take for anyone to notice I was dead? My family has no reliable way to contact anyone I know. No way to get into my phone or my computer. They might not even try. I could just disappear.

Seems to be one of those days. 2026 is just off to a greaaaaat start. Two migraine days in a row. Me wanting to do things but feeling like I'm just too much of a failure to bother and laying in bed instead for hours on end.

You wouldn't think that listening to a bunch of songs from the 40s could make me cry. However, "Swingin' on a Star" was in there, and that triggered a long-lost memory of watching episodes of "Out Of This World" back in the late 80s. I won't look up clips. I'll stick with my memories of the show.

Quite frankly, after playing this badly two games in a row we don't deserve to go any further anyway. Well played, Miami, but I'm sure you'll forgive me for not watching the post-game celebration. (I'm probably not even staying up for midnight; my Gen X bones are aching. XD )

Missing: The Ohio State Football Offensive Line. If found, please slap upside the head and point towards the ongoing game.

I hate saying it, but Ohio State does not look good right now. Our offense doesn't, at the very least, and our defense is getting winded faster without the regular long offensive drives. I really hope I'm wrong. I'm not a coach, after all.

Good lord, Igbinosun did something that didn't result in a penalty. I'm so impressed! XD

Oh look, our offensive line didn't show up again. This is gonna be a long game, and I'm already losing hope of a repeat championship run. *sighs*

Dear @utlonghorns.bsky.social , thank you for humiliating Michigan on the last day of the year. Signed, An @ohiostatefb.bsky.social fan who is hoping to do similarly well against Miami tonight.

I have just taught a player in Magic Arena one of the fundamental rules of MTG: If you have the advantage, *press* your advantage. Don't just hold back waiting to do one gigantic smackdown, assuming your opponent is helpless.

2025 was... a year. My first full year without Mom around. In March and April, my kidneys tried to kill me and almost succeeded. I've spent the rest of the year dealing with fallout from that, plus further degeneration of my hip and lower spine. I use a cane now. I did start HRT in August.

I keep zoning out from the game I'm playing and instead having semi-random vivid daydreams. And they all connect and continue a story. Either I'm getting particularly bored of Hearts of Iron 4, or I'm mentally picking up alien radio signals. XD

I forgot to make a schedule but hey! Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday streams are back! Yay! See y'all tomorrow

Sorry. Stream's over early. Did get an hour in, but that's it. Had to do a break partway in because my sister needed assistance, and between that and existing stress I just... lost my oomph. Just not feeling it. Again, sorry.

Streaming time again. Took some time off, but now back to things. Now with updated graphics and (hopefully) working overlays for follows and stuff! www.twitch.tv/kurika_78

Hoping to stream tonight, if Dad will stop sending me up and down flights of stairs to get things for him... and making my back hurt more... x_x

Ended up having Imo's for dinner. Is good pizza. :3

Trying to rest today as much as I can. The last two days have created a large amount of back pain. And I'm really hoping I haven't developed a kidney stone on the left side. Mind you, I'm still having to deliver food and meds to my sister and folded a load of laundry and will cook dinner later. >.>

It's so windy...

I hope you have a warm and lovely holiday season. Stay safe out there. We survived this year, but we have to keep supporting each other through the years to come. I love you all. 💜🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈💜

Hair... growing back in on chest.... ITCHY BEWBS, ARGH.... x_x

Oh! Also, put my first Estradiol patch on today! Smaller than I thought it was gonna be, and frankly the part about finding a hairless area was mildly disheartening (stupid body), but I managed. >.>;; Gonna go with Tuesdays and Fridays from here for patch days. :3

This had me grinning ear to ear. I knew who it was from the moment I saw the motorcycle. XD