“For no particular reason, if we have circled your face, please see us after the meeting”

The hostess at our restaurant has modified her ears to look elfin and it’s really causing an internal war between “run the ball” guy and “who gives a shit what other people do?” guy

Trump Audibly Counting Non-White Generals

So much going on here. I know the guy is hurting, but the guy’s initial reaction of “you hit my wife’s car” and not “are you ok?” cracked me up more than it should

I can’t believe I somehow missed the story of Trump finally releasing the files we’ve all been anxiously awaiting

Sad part is I thought this was the real thing for a split second

Hope no one is heading south on 35E in Denton. Dead motorcyclist and the entire highway is shut down from the lake to Corinth Pkwy and everyone is being pushed to the access road.

Email to lone recipient last Thursday: Can you please answer this question about your product? Response today: has anyone responded to you about this? Me, before deleting the email and deploying tact: no, you, the only person I emailed, have not responded yet.

Cue Vivaldi and the Snake theme song because I just found out my boss is hooking our office up with all-access passes for Texas/OU. So I’m gonna go kick it with Greg Sankey, CDC, and McConaughey and hope Texas doesn’t get their asses handed to them.

Donald Trump's approval ratings have fallen so hard, it's like they were pushed down the stairs and buried at a golf course.

Random screenshot of a random college website and what I see is women outnumber men 4:1 AND I can walk around in t-shirt and shorts while the women have to wear pant suits. Sign me up

Dodge really needs to read the room

At least we’ll be fun to watch every other week. That counts for something I guess

Jomboy already spoiled the SB Halftime show. Kinda ruined the surprise but at least I don’t have to be disappointed in real time.

I’ve never understood why penalties offset. Holding is not the same as personal foul. Cowboys should’ve got 5 yards and a first down.

Just got home 2 hours ago after being out of town since Friday morning. I’m guessing the wife wouldn’t take too kindly to me listening to the live stream tonight.

Something something…last Rangers game seemed to resemble the entire season in one game.

I completely forgot about the Twitter account @kanye_jordan who would take Kanye tweets and put “Liz Lemon” in front of them so it sounded like Tracy Jordan. He didn’t make it last 2011 but it was fun while it lasted.

Time to outlaw returning blocked FGs for touchdowns.

Obviously Western Oregon is too worried about the war back home to concentrate on football

Western Oregon is in Canyon to play West Texas A&M. I’m glad they were able to escape war ravaged Oregon to be here tonight. I kind of want to check in on the players and make sure their families are safe and offer them refuge if they need it.

Need assistance from the younger gen. We’re at a college football tailgate for family weekend and I’ve seen 3 or 4 tables set up w/4 players, each on a corner with a cup of beer tossing a die (?) way up in the air and watching it fall and trying to catch it as it rolls off the table. What is this?

I have so many questions

Finally figured out where I’ve seen the current broccoli haircut trend before

My hotel has a tv in the bathroom. It’s the perfect height for my tiny giraffe to stand on the counter and watch. #opulence #fancyaf

Donnie Do can pull off a cowboy hat. Is there anything he can’t do? Except make Matty Beers listenable?

Well this is a fun little ditty for your Friday night. Some new Shinyribs. Can’t wait for my 6 year old to go back to school Monday singing this one.

164. Got one more spare and then nothing. 16 short of my highest ever. Thanks for coming to my bowling recap/jynx session.

Went to a family bowling event at an old student union bowling lane at my daughter’s school and I’m somehow having the game of my life. 102 through 5 with a spare in the 6th. Squarely jinxing myself now.

You had one job Rangers

Huge, if true

Someone on the Cowboys subreddit has a great idea

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it. - shamelessly stolen from a Dad Jokes page

I love moderating my neighborhood fb page, especially now that they have a Meta AI assistant to auto approve posts

It’s always weird when someone who doesn’t follow me shows up in my replies with an “ackchyually” on a 2 day old joke.

Found a Civil War bullet that says “states’ rights” on it. So that’s settled now.

This is how we do it (Yah I know the song is stuck in your head now).

So this is a real shirt you can buy

We were lied to. There is no Chili’s in Scranton, PA

Trying a local brew tonight, might head to Chili’s later, I heard God was there

Goodbye Charlotte, we made so many beautiful memories together. Like running through the airport to make my connection and seeing the Sully Sullenberger museum from my window.

Hello Charlotte, I am in you

Apparently this was still up as of 45 minutes ago. Betting it’s gone now. Or in 2 weeks. www.reddit.com/r/pics/s/xxe...

Come on guys, it’s week 3. Let’s check in on the official Cowboys airport store

I’m stepping away for the night. It’s not gonna get better than this. H/T to @desilo23_ on Threads

Catch 22: I really want to check out OnlyFans since tomorrow’s the rapture and it won’t show up on my credit card bill, but checking out OnlyFans will probably prevent me from being raptured. Anyone got a specific time so I can get a quick forgiveness prayer in at the last minute?

Apparently I’m spending the night before rapture watching Haunted Mansion.