Dinner at Chipotle. Using the bathroom at PF Chang’s. The world at my feet right here in old New York.

:twirls in perpetual singledom:

I’d like a refund.

Hey. I don’t know if you know this. But, your Apple iPhone has been HACKED!

Take this class. Bring him an apple. Tell teacher he’s got a cute butt.

Someone ask me out so I can show up wearing this.

Hello Bluesky user. Before you is a post about movies or perhaps films. All you need to do is not respond to the post by referencing US Politics, Governmental Corruption or a 'Cheeto in Chief'. If you fail this challenge however, 10 thousand puppies will be launched into the sun forever. Good luck.

Can the world be lost irredeemably if there are still coffee shops playing Ingrid Michaelson? I wager no.

Sure, sex is great. But, have you ever appeared in 12 LinkedIn searches?

Nothing beats a literary rejection when you’ve been under the weather for a week.

I wonder if the UPS man knows he’s delivering me my lil gay pills.

I feel like we should be allowed to file charges against anyone who goes out of their way to stop a meeting from ending early.

Hello, I’m here to make the rapture about me. Thanks to @asteralesjournal.bsky.social for my 4th Best of the Net nomination.

I heard we were all getting raptors today. Where do I pick mine up?

Miss Boots is back.

The perfect line delivery doesn’t exi-

Just saw a RAM commercial that said “We just can’t stop being American.” And, I took it as a threat.

Needed wine and this was the first thing I saw.

In case you’re wondering, I DID make time for a cute lil panic attack today. She’s a productive girlie.

Leave it to an Italian to find a way to sweat on a 72-degree day that “feels like 65.”

Radical self care is grilling yourself two cheeseburgers then watching a double-feature of Prime (2005) and Friends With Money (2006).

2005 Bryan Greenberg could’ve pushed me out of a helicopter.

It is 5:45p. I have taken a Tylenol. The fan is on. And, I am in for the NIGHT.

Saväge

Hiya, @sentimentbot.bsky.social. What’s your read on this boyo?

The selective memory I have every time I think a chocolatey protein drink won’t taste like warmed up dumpster drippage.

Bai, gurl.

“They’re playing in our face.” Jess Keefe on AI “art” in Regular Mag

When I’m president, the only people we’re censoring are those workout instructors who count like this: Fiveeeeeee Fooooooooouuuuuuuurrrrrrrrr Threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee TwWwWwWwOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooooooooooo…

ABC: All Backbones Conceded

Guess I’ll never know what happens during the rest of Only Murders in the Building.

Such a glorious day for a constitutional crisis.

A free and democratic society cannot silence comedians because the President doesn’t like what they say. This is an attack on free speech and cannot be allowed to stand. All elected officials need to speak up and push back on this undemocratic act.

Catch me taking the recycling out in a hoodie and underwear because it is 5 o’clock and my pants are off for the NIGHT.

Rabid popcorn squirrel for your thoughts?

What movie has the best end credits sequence and why is it Sister Act II: Back in the Habit?

No, thanks. I would not like to “Work Happy with Zoom AI Companion.”

Can you believe people actually expect me to work?

All I want to do is walk through a foggy corn maze at night with neon strobe lights and John Carpenter music playing in the background.

After a lifetime on this planet, the question has to be asked: Why aren’t more boys kissing me?

This is a Melissa Hortman appreciation account for the next 24 hours.

I’m a Mets fan now.

Good morning, kidz. I’m your cool new substitute.

Not Gristedes charging $17.69 for a 12-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper. Is the doctor in the case?

What sort of sick freak puts on Zodiac as his falling asleep movie?

There’s something truly magical about walking around NYC and getting beaned by a drop of building juice from above. It’s like a baptism.

Two girls next to my desk were chatting when I left for a meeting 34 mins ago. Came back. Still yakin’. I just…love being in the office.

Is there a beefy man out there who’d like to take me hiking?

New drag name: Honey Theland.