One minute, you're just living your life, and the next, you're mimicking bird calls. Here’s how it happens: https://newyorkermag.visitlink.me/jSPKeM

Amy Poehler’s podcast ep today with Kate McKinnon is so, so good - my GOD those women are gifts

Trump: When you get to about question 5 or 6, they show you a photo of a kitten... they say, "Is this your mother?" The kitten is not your mother... A photo of a snort, they say, "Is this your mother?" No, that is a snort, etc... AOC couldn't come close to answering any of those questions.

Vladdy weeping to the point of removing his contacts, I feel seen

"I’ve barely touched that woman — apart from the one time I crawled in and out of her open mouth while she was sleeping — and now she wants me dead."

"I’ve barely touched that woman — apart from the one time I crawled in and out of her open mouth while she was sleeping — and now she wants me dead."

Apparently it starts at 8:33 PM? 33??? What the hell is going on in baseball

Just typed “Blue Jays” into Google to see what time the game is on, and it autocorrected to “Blowhards” which felt intentional and anti-Canadian

Read my latest in Slackjaw! I wrote this from the point of view of a spider, as someone who is terrified of spiders and in a general state of existential crisis. (If you’re not a Medium member, there’s a link to bypass the paywall in the comments.)

"Then one day, Paul just gave it all up in order to have two-hundred-and-eighty-six beautiful children with our cousin, Diane, in the upstairs linen closet."

"I’ve started to wonder if web design is really the only thing I’ll do with my one wild and precious lifespan of ten-to-twelve months, depending on the circumstances."

"Then one day, Paul just gave it all up in order to have two-hundred-and-eighty-six beautiful children with our cousin, Diane, in the upstairs linen closet."

"I’ve started to wonder if web design is really the only thing I’ll do with my one wild and precious lifespan of ten-to-twelve months, depending on the circumstances."

Read my latest in Slackjaw! I wrote this from the point of view of a spider, as someone who is terrified of spiders and in a general state of existential crisis. (If you’re not a Medium member, there’s a link to bypass the paywall in the comments.)

My husband is currently running a half-marathon. I’m waiting for him at a coffee shop near the finish line. Everyone pray for this poor barista, who DID NOT know it was race day, and is working the counter alone.

Stoked that my piece in @mcsweeneys.net is included in this week's Newsletter of Humorous Writing by @jamesfolta.com and @lukevburns.bsky.social - check it out!

Thrilling news. I, a millennial, have introduced my Gen Z colleague to a Charli XCX song she hadn’t heard - and now she loves it. Reader, it feels like being ID'd at the liquor store, on steroids. I will be chasing this high for years. I felt a wrinkle evaporate from my face. I no longer have GERD.

“Surely you had noticed our age gap? I was wearing Phat Farms, and you were smoking indoors (not really, but that’s how I perceived you). In any case, your oversight did not spark joy for me.”

"I’m sure you met people like me every day, which is to say, fools, with deep grooves in their shoulders caused by ill-fitting bras. But my enormous breasts were not something I had yet come to terms with—that is, until that fateful day when I met you."

"I want to say your shop was filled with the dank haze of cigarette smoke, but that can’t be true. My mother had dragged me there against my will. It was off the beaten path and named like a birth control pill: Portia’s. Or maybe, Calista’s… something like that."

I’m in @mcsweeneys.net !! If you want to read one thing today that isn’t a terrifying news story, let it be this silly, true, coming-of-age story about a bra shopping experience/fever dream I had as a self-conscious teen.

I've recently started feeling jittery after my morning coffee, and as a 3-to-4-cups-a-day coffee drinker, this is terrible news. It must mean I'm... dying?

"Its novel is a tour de force uncannily reflecting the tragic emptiness of endless striving in the hedonistic Jazz Age. It is unlike anything else this critic has seen before, with one possible exception."

Just finished a writing retreat with a friend. Three days in a cabin on the coast, pacing ourselves with forest walks, ocean swims, and French press coffee. Was fabulous. Can’t say I recommend re-entry into the real world.

Not pictured: Me, in an ill-fitting bathing suit, scratching a holographic will into the sand before handing myself over to the sharks

Fresh tea biscuits on a crisp fall morning 🍂 My grandmother’s recipe, as published in her local Legion’s cookbook - so you KNOW it’s good.

The only thing that could make this day better would be if that puzzle finished itself

rolling up to the Olive Garden like

*avoiding eye contact with my neglected snake plant* haha this is great

"What he says: I think Sam LaPorta will bounce back this year. // What he means: I love my wife more than ever before" is absolutely perfect. This one had me cackling.

Oh man, this made me laugh out loud from start to finish

That feeling of writing something, finishing it, and celebrating by wondering, "What if I never have another good idea ever again?"

Just practicing some deep breathing while trying to set up my GODFORSAKEN website, everything is fine, blood pressure normal

Oh this is great

Please can we do Teams next

New to this! Hate it already.