Girlfriend: If you get through this one game of Battleships with me without making any weird Star Wars references I won't break up with you. Me: Easy. You first. Girlfriend: C3... Me: FUCK

Any of my old mutuals on here (or from the old shadowy place™️) have a fledgling YouTube channel or podcast? Interested in going into scripting online content and curious whether anybody out there has any experience etc. 👀

Toasted sourdough is a scam invented by dentists to sell more teeth

Wait i hadn't finished my old year yet can I get a doggy bag?

If you start singing 19,017 green bottles sitting on the wall at 10:17pm tonight your mental breakdown will start as the clock hits midnight 🥰

I'm wearing pyjamas under my work clothes today and honestly 10/10 don't think I'll ever go back from this

wish my body came with a kickstand bc sometimes i just need to rest where i stand.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume? Neil Armstrong: ...Yes.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume? Neil Armstrong: ...Yes.

Leaving my drafts folder to go down with the other place I expect my Nobel peace prize in the post

I have a super hot, kind, smart, incredible girlfriend so GOD DAMMIT WILL SOMEBODY ARRANGE A CLASS REUNION ALREADY I HAVE SO MUCH FLEXING TO DO

I hate the letter Q "OHhh loOk aT me iM so QuiRky" You're an O with a dick. Grow up already.

Got fired as an awthor not a clew why

Me when my girlfriend is busy having a life

Magician: Pick a card, any card Me: (visibly panicking) PIKACHU

I'm hosting a me look alike contest It's at my workplace Just turn up, they'll show you where your desk is

Accidentally revealed i still have an msn email address to a bunch of teens today Pray for me

How your email finds me

Stay safe when drinking, always remember STAR: S - Start drinking T - Tasty drinky A - Am drubk now R - Rhow doacronymys works I'm drùnck

Stay safe when drinking, always remember STAR: S - Start drinking T - Tasty drinky A - Am drubk now R - Rhow doacronymys works I'm drùnck

Remember that one time when we all got into sea shanties?

[being chased by killer] ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

Got drunk and now i only speak in rhyme I will not be taking any questions at this time

Me: *orders food* Me for the next half hour:

Going to start pronouncing W as wubbleyou with no explanation Who's in

Just burped so loud I heard my upstairs neighbour shout "wow"

The audacity of assuming I know how I feel Brother I haven't known anything since 2019

Girlfriend: Some people would say I don't need two bags, but I would say they lack vision Me: Ok...but... Gf: Sigh, you lack the vision :(

Look at this cat i took He is your God now Worship him

There should be a WAY bigger spelling difference between public and pubic

in order to unclench jaw [series of xylophone chimes] you must first unclench brain

If I pee on an electric fence will I get superpowers or a hospital bill this is a time sensitive question

Lost my voice at work today Doing a lot of pointing to answer the more commonly asked questions

*first date* Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it's controlled by them sometimes! Her: Aw, that's sweet. Pets can be like that! My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I'm a good boy

Had a dream in which I was late to a dentist appointment and then the apocalypse happened In case you're wondering how my anxiety is

Of all the "this will fix my life" products I've ever purchased, thermal socks are BY FAR the most superior

Deluded enough to believe my life could be The Truman show Yet realistic enough to know everybody has already changed the channel It's all about balance 🥰

People delivering pizza should have sirens

*first day as a pilot* sᴉɥʇ ʇɐ ʞɔns I uɯɐp ɥO :ǝɯ

Went into my old workplace as a customer and an annoying regular customer recognised me, assumed I was working and got IMMEDIATELY rude with me. Oh buddy. Big mistake.

Child: What's your favourite pokemon? Me (only ever heard the pokemon theme tune): Probably the Mismacause

*first day as a waiter* Me: (staring at some plates) Them: ...what are you waiting for? Me: A living

People delivering pizza should have sirens

*first day as a pilot* sᴉɥʇ ʇɐ ʞɔns I uɯɐp ɥO :ǝɯ

No thoughts just cat

I COULD show you the world...but honestly it might be better to sit inside and disassociate instead - Aladdin 2023

*first date* Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it's controlled by them sometimes! Her: Aw, that's sweet. Pets can be like that! My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I'm a good boy

No one realizes the absolute logistical nightmare it is to have this level of anxiety and still be this fucking cool.