been listening to a lot of Fuel again, please don’t tell my therapist

it’s not only perfectly acceptable but expected to be wine drunk for Thanksgiving and all 7 days around it. check your Bible

just started Pluribus last night and already arguing over whether it’s about Covid or about Woke. TV is so back, baby

what a joy it is to transition from “baseball hat to hide my dirty hair” season to “beanie to hide my dirty hair” season 🍂

I’ll also be releasing a Hamnet this Thanksgiving

me learning that buying the big block of cheese and shredding it by hand actually does make the pizza significantly better than using pre-shredded cheese: fuck. FUCK

I love New York and I’m sorry for all the stuff I said when the G train was delayed

if you are in line to eat your body weight in lamb shawarma at a halal cart STAY IN LINE!!! it’s really good

got a shout-out in the husband's movie review substack (imo every review should be about me) subscribe here: substack.com/@saltycinema

frizzy girls on the subway for zohran

an Election Day full of good news

answered the door to some Zohran canvassers and got to tell them that my husband wasn’t home because he was also out canvassing for Zohran ❤️

My congratulations to all Baseball Perverts. It was their "super bowl" last night and it seems they all had a very bad time (in their culture that's how you have a good time)

look at the fans behind home plate. this is why we don’t allow Canadians to have guns.

GET JIGGY WITH IT

I love baseball

Miguel Rojas I’m sorry I said than Van Cleef necklaces are only for country club stepmoms and the meanest rich girl at a southern Baptist college

fun baseball fact: at 41 years old, Max Scherzer is the oldest man who has ever lived

me: does it increase your enjoyment of The Simpsons when I recite every line along with the show husband [quietly]: yes dear

the game last night went on for so long that I actually learned some of the rules of baseball

baseball is the best sport cause you see a new great butt every minute

I have some great ideas for how the blue jays can still win this. for example, have they considered hiring Shohei Ohtani

yes daily movement and reading books and socializing have health benefits, but scrolling phone in bed has something even better: scrolling phone in bed

see, if I stay awake for the $2 worth of soda and $3 worth of snacks on my $400 flight, then the flight only REALLY cost $395

LA is not a city, it’s 8 million cars in a trench coat

fun bit you can use: no matter what your gate is at the airport, say “just like my bra size!” 68A? 34D? 12F? “just like my bra size!” that’s a little freebie for ya

me: [cracks open a fantasy book for the first time in 20 years] the book: here is a map of the 17 feifdoms! first, a prologue message from the Head Thoobeedoo Of Thoraxicon me: [sighs so deeply I can feel my own thoraxicon]

very weird to have the Dune soundtrack stuck in my head. I’ll be sitting here thinking wow, what a nice little silence and then BWWWWOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGGG

I was like “wow, my high school never emails about class reunions” and then I realized something too horrible to say

trump literally destroying the actual white house feels a little too on the nose. like lazy writing. like let's give that another pass maybe

my husband convinced our new grocery store to start carrying Japanese curry roux, this must be how Michelle Obama feels every day

the best thing Ohtani could do right now is quit and become a basketball player. society is ready for a reverse Michael Jordan

a great way to raise your self-esteem is by stopping yourself anytime you have a harsh self-thought and saying “stop thinking those mean thoughts about yourself, you stupid bitch”

yes “pansexual” is different from “bisexual”!! “bisexual” is when you’re attracted to men and women, and “pansexual” is when you lure both men and women into your labyrinth

the plan? be a reliable, hard worker who’s good at my job, so every time there’s a project that’s really difficult or last-minute, they turn to me. I never work on anything easy again and i’m stressed forever. it’s brilliant.

as far as i'm concerned, there are 4 movie ratings: good, liked it good, didn't like it bad, didn't like it bad, liked it

what's the vibe on copy-pasting my tweets from the other place here? I feel like the mood is "fresh new start" but I also want to "pretend like I am making my few successful jokes for the first time to a new audience"

my OB/GYN texted me “we miss you!” reporting to the police for harassment. I know exactly what you miss you perverts: my vergeen

hi hello I’m here I guess

I emailed someone and they got back to me in 3 minutes and I almost started crying. the whole point of emailing is that beautiful window afterwards when you don’t have to do anything until they reply. why would you take that away from me

people love to dunk on British food but they’ve achieved an incredible feat by taking fish, one of the worlds most objectively healthy foods, and deep frying it until two bites stop your heart and kill you instantly

if you’re cold, carolyn’s cold @katefeetie.bsky.social

you can have your stanley cups and fancy water bottles, and I’ll continue keeping 10-20 of these at a time half-full on every surface of my apartment

“this has toxic chemicals” “that will give you cancer” uuuuuugh is there a news source for people who don’t care if they die

if there’s one thing I’m gonna do i’m gonna show active listening on the zoom. you need head nods? you need smiles? you need someone to come off mute to laugh at your lil jokey jokes? baby i’m here for you, check my lil rectangle, I love you

signing on to zoom with my therapist after yet another week of not following any of her advice

people can’t understand “lesser of two evils” during an election but they sure can understand it when they root for mike tyson against jake paul

new platform, old reminders: 1. feetie was a nickname based on an inside joke from high school 2. it has nothing to do with feet 3. I do not sell photography that is foot-related 4. I’m a runner, so even if I did sell them, you would not want them. 2 of my toes are dedicated “lost causes”

ever get comments on a political post that are so vile and hateful that you literally move platforms? anyway hi I’m katie