Why would I spend $75 on a perfume to smell like Donald Trump when I could just piss myself in a McDonald's for free.

If you ask me it's a pretty fucking weird country where speaking up against genocide is punished but supporting genocide is celebrated but that's just me idk

Elon Musk had to buy a website and a presidency to get people to talk to him. Jeff Bezos had to invite 200 famous strangers to his wedding. If you can go down to the pub with a few mates for a bit you are definitely winning here.

dude this party is such an echo chamber. it's just friends hanging out and chilling and having a good time. you need to invite some people over who want to kill you with hammers

It's definitely time to stop using 'Breaking news' and replace it with 'Fucking hell what now'

You may think you're not very good at your job but you probably didn't buy an election, buy yourself a job in government, did so badly that everyone on the internet bullied you and then got fired in 3 months so give yourself a break.

Sounds good let it die. AI is theft and laziness disguised as innovation.

Not sure about you but if I were JD Vance and managed to bore the pope to death with one conversation I'd probably start re-evaluating some things.

You can't even be a ketamine addled eugenics obsessed Nazi anymore damn the woke mind virus

Spotted in Paris

We have to live in this ridiculous nightmare future where the villains are in charge, people can live stream war crimes and bigotry is on the rise again of course everyone is depressed.

"What's your #WorldBookDay costume?" "Hemingway" "You're just drunk at 10am" "correct"

JD vance and Donald Trump prepare to meet President Zelensky (2025)

Ah yes the bananas person did another bananas thing. The bananas person elected by bananas people whose whole thing was 'I'm bananas' and now people are surprised that he's absolutely bananas.

Roses are red Violets are plants The apathy towards rising levels of fascism and nationalism within our society means there’s no longer any time for romance

Was chatting to a woman I don't know in the work lift today about dogs (no idea how it started but never mind) and as she left the left she said "Have a good boy" and as the lift doors closed I heard her say "what is wrong with me" so my thoughts are with her today.

Almost like it's completely unethical to use someone else's work to create something that only benefits you hey

OpenAI: China stole our tech!! Luddites: Oh weird how'd you make your tech in the first place OpenAI: 😡

January started 8 months ago. We have all lived through decades of trauma already this year. Everyone is tired. Everyone needs a holiday. Everyone is broke. Everyone needs a little nap. Help.

Four minutes into the new presidency and the richest man in the world is doing a nazi salute on global TV but don't worry the real problem is pronouns

If I didn't want people to keep calling me a nazi I would stop doing nazi things

If you don’t fancy watching the Inauguration tonight we are showing 24 hours in police custody at the same time which we aren’t saying is connected in any way shape or form…

You: "Blue Monday is the most depressing day of the year" Me, an intellectual: "Every day of the year is a nightmare as we are currently living in the hellscape timeline and to say one day is worse than the others means you haven't been paying attention for the last decade"

Mark Zuckerberg says companies need more 'Masculine energy' so at 8pm tonight we will be playing a massive dad sneeze instead of an advert break.

We don't want more AI. We want things to be reasonably priced and to be able to put the heating on without bankrupting ourselves, not computers that use so much energy they cause natural disasters making fake videos of natural disasters.

The only reason I ever hear about the Joe Rogan podcast is when rich people say incredibly stupid shit like "the sea is a lie" or "women can't walk up stairs" and the replies underneath are all men named Brunt saying "Yes this is what they are hiding from us thank you also fascism is good"

After Meta announced they are getting rid of fact checkers, we drove to Meta HQ with our thoughts…

Tom from MySpace is currently laughing his arse off in a pool full of money whilst we all bounce around from social platform to social platform like attention craved ping pong balls all because billionaires want to cosplay as fisher price dictators.

Looking forward to the Facebook community moderating itself seeing as the Facebook community is filled with people that would see an AI image of Jesus skateboarding off a giraffe and ask "Is this real"

It's really cool how everyone in charge of social media sites has no fucking clue how to run a social media site.

Terrible to hear about Elon Musk. Nothings happened to him unfortunately it's just terrible every time you have to hear about him.

Oh I see. All the things I put off doing last year for future me to worry about have fallen to present me? Absurd. I hate past me.

Happy New Year you beautiful lot. 2024 was difficult and testing and hard but we can go into 2025 with self confidence and try our God damn best.

My annual round up of my favourite films of the year plus lots of other nonsense. You're welcome I think.

It's the most beautiful time of the year. Christmas is done. All responsibilities are a next year problem now. What day of the week is it? No one cares. When do the bins go out? No one knows. What should you eat for meals? Bits. What should you achieve? Nothing go back to bed

Just got absolutely roasted by some small child at the dog park, whilst I am minding my own business and walking Douglas, a child shouts "That old man's dog is wearing a jumper!" First, yes he is it's cold, second, I am only 37 but my face carries the weight of decades of trauma so shut up

Mary didn't give birth in a shed for you to watch James Corden on Christmas Day

Merry Christmas from Douglas.

I heard there was a secret ooze that turned four reptiles into dudes, but you don’t really care for turtles do ya

Matt Gaetz paid for sex whilst in office?! Oh what a shame now the only job he can get in America is President probably.

It's that time of year where I post this one

*Screaming* SUPERDOG. SUPERDOG. SUPERDOG. SUPERDOG.

me: you dim sum, you lose some waiter (in chinese to other waiter): poison this man

He's making a list He's checking it twice He's put an image in the document oh heck

"Just be yourself" "Myself?! The guy who hates me and constantly tries to ruin my life? Awful advice thanks"

This is your annual reminder that it's probably best to re-order your prescription now if you need it because going off your meds at Christmas is less than ideal one year I had a panic attack and took out the Christmas tree so best to avoid that really

*forgets to bring phone into the bathroom* i’m off the grid

Banning puberty blockers for trans kids but still allowing them for cis kids feels very much like discriminating against a set of patients based on their protected characteristic.