The polar opposite reactions here to the deaths of Sam Neill and Lindsey Graham are such a reminder that we all have a choice whether to live our lives in a way that brings joy or misery to those around us. I think if you’re remembered fondly as Sam Neill is today, you’ve pretty much won at life.

Do you know what's great? Because we killed the planet it's just this but incrementally worse every year until we die! Isn't that amazing! It's just going to get hotter! Every year! Forever! We ruined the world and now it's going to punish us until the end of time!

Imagine being a climate change denier in 2026. Sat in genital soup watching Europe be on fire and pretending any of this is normal as we hurl ourselves towards the climate wars where we start murdering each other for magnums.

Twitter is down. So if you want to use a platform to see right wing hate bile and hateful posts designed to create hate and division you'll have to use any other platform on the internet.

The year is 2035. We have gone through 600 Prime Ministers since 2010. Leadership is now decided by randomly picking Facebook profiles and everyone gets a day to be in charge. Today is Gary from Portsmouth and he has just banned the letter O. The cuntry is in chas.

Days without this country being incredibly stupid: 0

It is hot in Britain again. Public transport is now a travel sauna. Our homes are furious heat boxes where we sit waiting for death. A man wearing skinny jeans explodes from friction. The tiny fans we bought from argos last month explode. We are doomed.

Oh it's the longest day of the year? Grow up. Every day is an unbearable timeless nightmare this one isn't special.

Lots of people now desperately trying to remember their reddit password so they can try and delete their Am I The Asshole post from 6 years ago before it turns into a movie and ruins their life

Inside you there are two wolves. One wolf has anxiety. The other one has depression. Oh god there's another wolf. This one has childhood trauma. Oh bloody hell there are move wolves coming from the tree line. They all have something. Get the gun there are too many wolves.

Group of teenagers lurking outside a Curry’s trying to bully you into buying them an iPad so they can go on Pinterest

So far the best thing about being diagnosed with Autism at almost 40 years old is everyone saying "Oh you didn't already know that?"

Children aren't the problem. Ban anyone over the age of 30 who still uses facebook and can't tell if a AI video of Nigel Farage getting off with Churchill is real or not.

I don't get Monday fear anymore. I'm a grown up and understand things more, so I'm terrified of every single day instead.

I think we can all safely say the system is fucked if one man can hoard a trillion dollars whilst the majority of the population have anxiety doing their weekly shop.

In news that will shock no-one that has ever met me or interacted with me, today I was finally diagnosed with ASD, or ‘high functioning adult autism’ if you want to get sexy about it. So yeah, that makes a lot of sense

Today in entertainment news

I met Blobby last year after I had been awake and working for 48 hours straight and it felt like a fever dream and like meeting a hero and I will not hear any anti-blobby rhetoric.

Calling someone "Good girl" - Boring - Overdone - Repetitive Calling someone "Clever girl" - Get to pretend you're Muldoon in Jurassic Park - Partner feels like a velicoraptor - Ends in violence

Any room can be a panic room if you leave me with my own thoughts

Shouting "PARKOUR" before I fall over in public so people think I have my shit together

And yet I am still banned from every Aviary in the UK

Welcome to June. Wasn't it March yesterday? Shut up. Has this year felt like it's been 16 years and also only 3 days at the exact same time? Yes because time no longer exists in a world where every piece of information we recieve is just adding to the trauma lasagne of our collective mental health.

UK heatwave day three: The Ice Cream Vans are have Mad Maxed themselves to prepare for the dairy wars. Everyone smells like kebabs covered in SPF50. The £15 fan from argos does nothing. If you don't start every conversation with "Hot today isn't it" you are catapulted out of the country.

No child should be parented. They should be left in the woods until 18 and if they emerge they can be part of society but they can never discuss what happened in the woods.

How to sleep in Britain when it's hot: 1. No 2. It's not happening 3. Maybe one foot out from any blankets 4. Okay no blankets 5. Life is a nightmare

UK heatwave day two: The swans have melted. Tea keeps evaporating. Beer gardens are now just bastard enclosures. All the trains are a people soup. The pigeons are all stuck together. A 99 with a flake costs £600. Everywhere, chaos.

Hot singles in your area Hot everyone in your area It's too fucking hot in this area

Today's Daily Cartoon for @newyorker.com by Kevin Maher and me.

Thank god we are ripping Trans people of their dignities it really is the most pressing issue within our society and will surely now mean that the economy will bounce back, the cost of living will go down, tech companies will now stop consistently promoting hate and the weather will be nice again.

There is going to be a generation of young people that would have killed Grogu with hammers I'll tell you that much

"Doctor I am feeling depressed" "Yeah me too, saw this clown last night" "Doctor" "Fucking awful clown. Made me so angry" "Doctor" "Like how can a clown be so shit" "Doctor please" "So angry I have quit being a therapist and am now a clown assassin" "What"

Yeah I have a pension plan it’s called the sweet release of death

Adult life is just saying the sentence "Yeah but next week will be a bit easier" every single week until death.

Me approaching any problem in my life

Welcome to another day in British politics. Is anyone happy? Of course not. Who is in charge? Could change by lunch time. Does anything make sense? Shut up. Is anything going well? We are so tired.

Nice to know that journalists can just copy and paste the headline 'Reform counciller resigns for _____ and apologises for _____" every day for the next year.

Going for an autism diagnosis next week and big fan of how the appointment has gone into my diary and that I am now scheduled to do an autism at 6pm.

Terrible to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing bad happened to him it's just fucking terrible every time you have to hear his stupid name.

Oh good. Another day in the stupid country.

Looking at rescue dog bios and this is so close to what my hinge profile would be.

Michael Jackson's career trajectory

Tokyo gets it

Before it was called Storm Dave it was called Storm UKTVG2

Jealous of the astronauts going to the moon. Not because they get to go to the moon. Just because it must be nice to not be on earth.

BREAKING: No April Fools this year. The internet is already confusing and terrifying enough. Every headline is deliberately written the worry you. Your nan is sharing AI facebook videos of Keir Starmer turning into a train. Politicians are posting lies to scare you. We all deserve a break.

If you go to The Bookish Type in Leeds they have a special promotion on at the moment which is just wonderful.

sorry i never responded to your email, i didn't want to and then i forgot

A great example of the tech industry: - come up with dogshit idea - make dogshit idea your entire platform - moan that no one likes your dogshit idea - pretend you never had dog shit idea - come up with new dogshit idea

Had an uncle like this at my wedding