Vampires are real. They just don’t sparkle or drink blood anymore. They still feed off us but not in the way that’s familiar to us. They just feed on your wealth, fear, and labor.

140 years. They’ll take your blood, data, and time. They’ll tell you that you should be grateful for what you have when it isn’t even the bare minimum. 140 years. The economy is booming. Need help? No handouts unless you are a company of course. The economy must never not be booming.

If you need a machine to help you make decisions, seek therapy anyway possible. Genuinely, for your own sake, if not everyone else’s

It was just pointed out to me that I say “spelt” instead spelled. I’ve never used “spelt” in place of ‘spelled’ in my writings afaik, but I never noticed I adopted the British pronunciation at some point ig

In 20 years, those kids are gonna go no contact from their parents I’m almost sure of it

“I wish I could ask ‘Who hurt you?’ to whoever wrote this.” They were talking about the KJV Bible 💀 I mean I think it’s safe to say Queen Lizzie didn’t…help the situation

Is it illegal to curse someone with eternal hemorrhoids? It’s amazing how something so small can cause so much discomfort

Ooo I can hear the bats are outside tonight 💜

If you can hear something walking in the dark, it’s intentional

Mama made spaghet gobbless

“It’s actually Belisarius, not Belusarius. I don’t understand how anyone…” My Latin teacher told me I didn’t have to worry about people like you outside of cocktail parties. Like you could have just given me the proper pronunciation instead and moved on. Christ I hope I was never that insufferable

“Oh, these aren’t prehistoric so Alex wouldn’t be interested in eating them…” Incorrect, I respect my contemporary archaeology colleagues and will honour them by eating these too.

If you die before me, I’ll think “What would you do?” As if you were still here get a drink Even if my memory fades, I’ll see you Death is an end, but you’d still live on In every tabby and orange cat In every rose and shot of tequila I hope you can be ok with that

BREAKING: Maryland is about to become the first state in the nation to ban the use of surveillance data and dynamic pricing at grocery stores. The Maryland House has just passed the Protection from Predatory Pricing Act. Governor Wes Moore plans to sign the bill.

jd vance negotiating with Iran

Current status of the Strait of Hormuz dispute

Surely, this will reduce the price of gas

Sowing Seeds of Lore. They might not all grow but if any of them work out, it’ll be a fun story to tell later

To think, they thought this man should lead the negotiations

I got $20 on the US Government kidnapping the Pope

Get in losers. We’re writing Trucker Yaoi

People around me never understand why I can’t just at least treat Ancient Aliens or that ilk as “silly nonsense” is cuz people fucking believe it and it has real world consequences. “It could have been aliens!” And it could’ve been aliens who fucked your mom last night but the data says it was me so

Make Hotdogs Affordable Again

“Sorry, we have to let your grandma burn to death because private equity made us sell our equipment and replaced it with a donkey hauling barrels of water on a wagon. Also the same company is also going to buy the land and put a Dollar General on your grandma’s still smoldering corpse.”

Eh but at least I’m not Pam Bondi so life ain’t that bad

You see every day is April Fool’s Day when you are God’s most hopeful fool

Artemis II Mission Fails After Astronauts Miss Connection Rocket In Atlanta https://theonion.com/artemis-ii-mission-fails-after-astronauts-miss-connection-rocket-in-atlanta/

Didn’t even know this was gonna happen since it was mostly overshadowed by literally everything else going on

Well, I’ll certainly have a lot to talk about in therapy tomorrow

Yearning is out. Might try seizing. Maybe a little producing. Perhaps even some liberating.

I bet at least 50% of the people who double down on “maybe the curtains were just blue!” literally just didn’t do the assigned readings in high school

Oh yeah it was the grain dole that bankrupted the Roman Empire. Surely it wasn’t all the rich people siphoning off resources and the constant expensive wars. No that definitely couldn’t have had anything to do with it

After two days on strike, nearly 1,000 faculty at NYU won huge concessions from the university. Everyone in the CFU-UAW union will now get a raise of at least $14,000. The deal also includes 3.5% raises each year of the contract, better job security, and more.

This madness can’t continue. This is bullshit. I need to buy a new fucking phone

BREAKING: Apple is about to introduce ads into Maps. The system will function similarly to advertising in Google Maps, according to Bloomberg.

It's not illegal to give a huge black dildo to an ICE agent at the airport. It's not illegal to give them a bouquet of multicolored dildos. It's not illegal to wave it in front of them while video recording. I'm just sharing the law with you.

People who try to make “the fly consciousness” thing sound impressive makes me wonder if they are just so afraid to die and need a human to one day live on in a machine. Even if it worked, the rich would be the only ones to benefit so they could retain all their power and wealth as in life.

We need more public memento moris. Some people need to remember they will die and just like the rest of us, like it or not

I can’t talk right now. I’m crunching da numbas, considering the what if’s, and consulting with the spirits

I asked the ghosts for guidance. It would appear the ghosts I asked were Irish immigrant workers from the 1870’s. At least their advice was pretty straight forward

Mood for 2026, (the artist is Ainsley Drew, on Instagram)

You know, the Doom Soundtrack would be just as effective at getting rid of bad spirits. You think a victorian ghost can handle BFG Division on 11? Blast for like a week or until spooky shit stops. No religious trauma needed. Maybe leave the super shotgun in the gun safe for your neighbor’s sake tho

NASA has confirmed a meteor sighting across the Midwest Tuesday and plenty of folks in the Chicago region caught a glimpse of the space rock in the early morning, according to reports from the American Meteor Society. https://to.wttw.com/4cPcZRe

Every show needs a gorilla. Get me a gorilla in every setting right now. Doesn’t have to be fuckin’ Planet of the Apes lore reasons. JJK has a fucking Panda. Why? Who cares? Now imagine if Panda had a gorilla friend? Boom. Double the fucking gloriousness. Put a gorilla on the Titanic and it’ll floa-

I am God’s Feral Jester

Forgot to sign out of my YouTube at my friend’s house. I’m not so much worried about them seeing the videos recommended on my home page but like I know she’ll certainly have questions that’s for sure 💀

I helped edit this super cool story of a dude from India who wrote his name on Egyptian tombs 2,000 years ago! 🏺🧪