The last few days have been especially hard wrt my ED and I felt like consulting my tarot deck. I asked it “where do I go from here? And this bitch ass deck said:

My church is so woke that during the Christmas pageant that in the list of relatives that connected people to the town they had to return to, they included “niblings”

The snow makes everything so magically quiet.

I realized the other day that childhood favorites get an exemption from the ED voice (maybe because I’m so familiar with them that I can’t feel anxious about them?) so I’m making a big list of meals for this week that’s mostly those. Oughta be fun

On to S2 of Umbrella Academy and Klaus remains my favorite. Not just because he’s fruity, although that helps.

Goodnight everyone. Remember to be kind to yourself and your body. It works hard for you; give it a little care. ❤️

Trying to explain my IFB upbringing to people who didn’t live that: “My first encounter with Chick tracts was unironic and non-mocking”

I love you　　　(v.VII.56)

The vibes today are down tbh. Guess this’ll be one of those days where the goal is to live a day

Going home from work early. I’m willing to eat the ~$20 loss today tbh. I want my bed and my books

My ED wants me to stick to a rigid and narrow path, the most slim way of being. But all I want to be is anything, open to possibility, to being something new and surprising. I want to learn what bodies can be and do and see in what ways I can grow that I could never have predicted

New glasses are giving crazy "turning up the FOV on minecraft" energy

I rambled about about philosophical pessimism and Unitarian Universalism, and how I find synergies between the two, despite how they seem so different on the face #uu #unitarianuniversalism #unitarianuniversalist #philosophy

NEW GLASSES I CAN SEE CLEARLY AGAIN

I like little art projects. One of my therapy things is an altered book and it's kinda fun to see a book turn into something I made

Today I successfully restrung the drawstring on my hoodie. I am truly boundless in my potential

Today is shaping up to be a better day, which I’m happy about. 🙂

After a nightmare of a week, it looks like my new glasses are arriving today! I can’t wait to have good vision again

Reading a secondary work on philosophical pessimism in the hope that it somehow fixes me

Engaging in progressively more extreme behaviors (moisturizing my husband’s hands so I can continue once mine are good)

Crisis averted. Warmth has returned to my life

I don’t want to start arguing with people on the account but the abuse of the ed recovery associated tags today really riled me up. I was about to before thinking twice but idk

The power is out to half my apartment and I’m very mad about that

Why is the ed recovery feed just fucking cursed today

I found a small workaround for my category-based food fears today: Childhood recipes seem to get a pass. They still stress me some if I think about it. But if it was a new food I definitely would be more anxious about it. So that's what I'm doing today. Big batch childhood recipes.

Some days I wake up, struggle, then go to bed. And there’s dignity in that, because at least I’m struggling. Every day I wake up and try, and even the bad days have a seed of *I want to get better*. Never let that seed in you die.

"Hey, great news: You're eligible to apply for another loan!" yeah great news for you

"Your purchase for $1000.00 at [IOP] was approved!" great but did you need to push notify me that 😭

I want to learn to scream so that I can shock my friends who see me as a gentle soul There are two particular songs that are just very dark and very loud and I think it'd horrify my friends if I sung them at karaoke night

ever read something so batshit it shocks you out of your bad mood and sends you straight into a mocking one

Psych thinks that the sticky last 20% of my ED is probably largely rooted in the mood troubles I've been having Increasing my lamictal dosage to see if that can help budge the numbers a little bit (the depression has kind of been hitting a floor at 6/10) I hope she's right

Channeling my anxiety about the erratic horrors of the world into compulsive moisturizing

Husband: The story you’re writing is really sad Me: I’m going to make it worse Husband: ☹️

Maybe I’ll call my mom today

Got a psych appt and a nutritionist appt today. Not feeling like either but that’s okay. Still gotta talk to them

Watching Umbrella Academy and I feel for Klaus. Understand him better than I did when I watched season one years ago.

Frustrated that I feel like I’ve done 80% of the work in getting rid of my ED but the last 20% is so sticky. Feel like I’ve been washing my hands for months but the gunk is still there.

My top 20 songs of 2025 are a real battlefield 1: therapy song 2-4: moody songs 5: ED song 6-8: therapy songs 9-11: moody songs 12: therapy song 13: moody song 14-16: therapy songs 17: first normal fucking song (Femininomenon) 18: ED song 19-20: normal songs

The world is full of so many scary things

I think, if others are interested, after I’m out of IOP seeing how I can apply the concepts to EDs and posting about what I find. I’ve learned a LOT here and kinda want to share some

I got the waitlisted class, so I might be able to do an all online semester! Next steps: talk to my academic advisor about what’s going on, and apply for disability accommodations

Showed my husband what I’ve wrote. His take: “It’s sad ☹️”

Reading today about how the years of telling people not to drink full fat milk might have been a huge mistake. Jesus Christ we’ve overidolized nutrition science.

Today’s tarot pull is the Four of Wands. What future are you building? Are you building something beautiful and life-affirming? How can you start building that?

I’m so gonna need a raise if they want to make me their late nighter long-term. This suuuuucks

Is it weird that I do like, half my therapy work through philosophy I swear I just Get It better that way

There’s an interesting tie to be made here to some eating disorders (which, as far as I know, is fairly original): the hopelessness or anxiety or restlessness that comes with the experience of self-loathing over body image or one’s will to eat or not eat.

Feel free to mute this thread if you don’t want liveblogging about a Christian existentialism work. I won’t be offended.

Reading The Sickness Unto Death. First step in my self study of primary sources on the existentialist approach to emotions. My understanding is that if you feel enough despair deeply enough then you can ultimately see yourself in deep clarity — if you choose to.

Drew the Emperor this morning in my daily one-card tarot pull. In this deck, in my interpretation, the Emperor asks the question of you: There is control here. But are you in control? Or is society puppeteering you? Always a good check when the desire for control through #eatingdisorder arises.