Enjoy your Wednesday, #StarTrek friends! As the old saying goes, When in doubt, C4. 😉🤣 #StarTrekTNG #Stargate #StarTrekMemes

Can the next president create UBI by creating a slush fund to double the amount paid to everyone not on the 1.766B slush fund payouts? Asking for 300M friends.

the election result we desperately need:

Democrat Congressmember: Please stop posting on social media about all the horrors the Trump administration is leveling upon this country. WE ARE FUCKING AWARE. We are BEGGING YOU to tell us what you are doing to stop him & what the plan is to begin rebuilding all that he has destroyed.

well-researched, exquisitely-crafted joke: 0 engagement something I rage skeeted while half awake on the shitter: 1.3K likes 246 reposts 92 replies my path is clear

If you see this, post your getaway vehicle.

…and that’s the story of how I got arrested at Walmart.

Mark Fuhrman died. . .if you can believe that.

Solar eclipses may one day cease, as the lunar orbit is by growing by 3.8 cm/yr. See that? Even the moon is tired of our shit.

San Diego shooters left a note full of “racial pride” and hate speech on a weapon. Had they not killed themselves, they’d be headlining next year’s CPAC.

It's hilarious that CBS thinks Colbert can be replaced by awkwardly stitching together bits from 4 stand-ups.

I'm open to the idea of ghost peppers, but wonder if maybe they're just our minds trying to deal with the loss of beloved peppers.

"I got it, Bernie - a way to singlehandedly put Van Nuys theatre on the map! A parody of 'Grease' with all porn-star cast. We call it...'Lube'!"

The Ballroom For @contrariannews.org Follow my work and writing on Substack: nickanderson.substack.com

If the word "committee" doesn't give you a boner, you might want to stay the hell out of academia.

make a song whiter: Baby Got Back Taxes

make a song whiter: This Land WAS Your Land

make a song whiter: El La Bamba-o

Selfie sticks are The Devil's fondue skewers.

getting high before you exercise? that's a Snoop Jogg

I'm about to log off this fat glass of cabernet and knock back a computer. . .or the other way. . .eh, you get it.

Student: Can you write me a study guide for the final? Me: Step 1 - come to class S: I came to class once and it didn't help. M: Try coming twice.

My dust bunnies are forming a union.

Foldable phone? Big deal. EVERY phone is foldable if you don’t wanna use it again.

I refuse to trim my rogue eyebrow hair - not for you, not for anyone.

Thanks, Nick at Nite, for time compressing shows I might have watched if everyone didn't sound like chipmunks!

Things would run a lot smoother if everyone would just friggin' listen to me.

I was holding it together all Zen-like until I tried to open the cheese packaging and it tore just below the zip-lock strip that would've allowed it to re-close. Now what happened next, Your Honor, was. . .

Dear leaf blowers at 6A in the parking lot across the street: One day your uppance will come. Signed, I only needed one more hour. (dictated but not read)

Dear Columbus breakfast place: the words "Greek Fetish omelette" probably shouldn't be together on your menu - unless you also serve "Fist waffles".

‪I’m “the best video game the year you were born was fiddling with the channel knob sleeve to tune in one of four tv-stations” years old.‬

Today's telemarketer met my new improv character who uses a voice synthesizer with increasing delay in response time. She lasted 7 min.

New understanding of reality, who dis?

Hey everyone at a card table on Hollywood Blvd: I already know I'm stressed - there's no need to hook me up to a machine.

The welcome sign to Universal Citywalk should read: "It's why the terrorists hate us!"

"Nineteen tequilas later we had a deal - Havana goes back to the mob, and Fidel and I open a chain of Kentucky Fried Chicken shops. . ." - WnW

Stroh's - a beer (a retail beer), Raaay - a guy who orders ooooone. . . see where I’m goin’ with this?

old sci-fi: The Empire Strikes 7:30 and Goes To Bed

old sci-fi: Vestworld

old sci-fi: The Andromeda Pain

Just discovered that I walked around in public all night with the size tag still attached to my cargo shorts - you know, like an adult.

You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think... but not funnier than your face - your face is all the funny you've got.

"'The line' is an imaginary invention of imperfect biological life forms. I am Funnybot." - Funnybot

"First call! Callback! Avail! Booked it! Hope your agent's intern didn't overlook it!" - old Hollywood High football cheer

Sheena, when the sugar walls fell.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and mom figures, except Syril's mom from Andor because she is literally the worst.

Hello everybody, I want to believe just as much as anybody else does but I really need to tell you that in my 10+ years of experience as a disinformation expert, the only reason UFO shit gets put out by the government is to distract you from other really bad things

So lemme get this straight: no flying cars, sex robots, cancer cure, climate change solution - instead, a failed democracy but we can skeet from the shitter. The Future, I'm disappointed in you.