Did you guys know they have a 4:30 *A*M now?

I just called the Senate switchboard and asked to speak with Lindsey Graham just to hear the operator tell me he doesn't work there anymore.

Wait. I forget. Is it, you DO stop the rock it to the bang-bang boggie, say 'up jump' the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat? Or you DON'T stop the rock it to the bang-bang boggie, say 'up jump' the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat?

The "Become a Math Teacher" ad "I {√♥}² Math" really means "I |♥| Math" which is only the same as "I ♥ Math" when "♥" is non-negative.

Let's all just move home and join cover bands.

Me: I need X. Cust Serv: We can't do X. Manager: Federal laws forbid X. 800-#: Why not Y instead of X? VP: I'm happy to do X. #WhyBanksSuck

Eventually all of TBS programming will be promos for upcoming TBS programming.

Anyone have any 20-minute conversations with Lindsey Graham last night?

In a shocking breach of Republican protocol, Lindsey Graham has informed the press and the public that he’s dead.

They came for a faculty meeting. . . not all of them made it back to class!. . . this Halloween. . . "Breakout Session". . . terror. is. academic!

Challenge accepted: 1 positive uplifting skeet for each snarky negative one - ok, let's see... Puppies are nice - well, except the stupid ones... OK so the next 2 skeets will be uplifting.

a joke from the long, long ago: No, no, no, I said I was at my "Target wait". I'm not physically fit - I was in line to buy a Merona polo.

I'd love to date a psychic but they always know what I'm after.

If it weren't for panic attacks, I'd have no tack at all.

Hey kids! New predictive text game! "I had a 20-minute conversation with Mitch McConnell and _____."

I had a 20-minute conversation with Mitch McConnell and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

The tariffs on waffles start Monday.

20-somethings at the arcade bar, watching me wreck a Galaga machine: "Challenging stage is next!" Me:

Townie: "No, pallie - this is *Bronson*, Missouri." Kid: "Ey ma, how 'bout some cookies?" Ma: "No dice." Kid: "Dis. Ain't. Over."

I finally broke my "Swift Justice with Nancy Grace" mug. . .ironically.

I love auditioning right after the guy who books half the commercials - with the session runner who books the other half of the commercials.

You say you suffer from insomnia? Let's grab another venti 5-hr Red Bull macchiato and discuss it.

Life is too wine to short drink bad.

“Cheers” Season 8 Episode 9, 1989 - in a rant about beards and Sigmund Freud, Dr. Frasier Winslow Crane explains that his pursuit of psychology was an attempt to follow in his deceased father’s footsteps. WT actual F, 11 seasons of “Frasier”?!!!

Cosplay: making me feel like a dirty old man since 2006

The Buddha never had to sit in traffic!

Yes auto-complete, the NU-word I was about to type after "Van" is "Nutsack". Thank you much. Picking someone up at the Van Nutsack fly-away.

let 'er rip 🔊 www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee_u...

If my neighborhood were a music festival it would be called Sobriety-Check-Point-apalooza.

If I were on trial for counterfeiting, I'd take the stand and ask "Eh? Why we gotta make a federal case outta dis?!"

Canadian Me: "Happy America Day! Commemorating the day when...America...led...all the...America's...out of...um... America?"

"Bottle Rocket" was not better than "Rushmore" - fight me.

Any pants can be cargo pants if you stuff them correctly.

I'd be financially stable right now if only they hadn't classified my 1980's Big Mac attacks as a pre-existing condition.

Who wants to help me produce a shot-for-shot remake of "Hot Dog...The Movie"?

If I were a blues trumpet player, my name would be "Waning Mojo".

God bless good friends.

Since I don't remember where I was, let's just call this "Chapter (n+1)".

Happy Canada Day! Commemorating. . .uh. . .the day that. . .Canada. . .led. . .um. . .the Canadians?. . .out of Canadia? Do we drink now?

My latest buddy cop feature pairs Lt. Surrinder Sahib with Sgt. Dropsy "Tired" Kowalski. Together they are. . . Sikh & Tired!

Shopped all week for a veggie steamer. Finally purchased, gleefully brought home, & put it in...the kitchen cabinet...next to the...veggie steamer?! WTF?!

If you're looking for anyone in the world right now, you might wanna check concourse B of the Las Vegas airport - everyone's pretty much here.

This Person Is Correct ! Algae Do NOT Have Seeds,They Rely On Microscopic Spores, Cell Division, Or Fragmentation......💪🏻

Where my dangling prepositions at?

Note to self: When you cursor over a removable discontinuity after struggling to get a graphing program to illustrate it, don’t shout “Ah, there’s the hole!” unless you want the class to erupt into fits of Junior High School-esque giggling. #ThugLife #TheUSis38thInMath

Kids grow up so fast these days.

I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy.

I'm just saying if a franchise spans 40 yrs, & it time travels back to those yrs, past Earth should be aware of the franchise - amiright?

"Yes" and "look at me!" is "Yes, but"; "Yes" and "look at you!" is "Yes, and".

"Purgatory is other people's music." - Jean-Paul Sartre's nephew (who DJ's sometimes)