What's that, Alarm Clock? You want me to throw you across the room? Well, okay. . .

You see, children, once upon a time. . .a very long time ago. . .before turntables were just for rappers and DJ's. . .

The best acting happens when the cameras are off.

"Do it, afraid" - something I remember by someone I wish I could forget (the messenger is not the message (hey! maybe that's the memorable part) )

For Yinz Guys Only #PittsburghAbondFilm

For Your Eyes Mostly #RejectedBondTitles

Meat is murder. Also, produce is espionage.

During holidays, I'm always reminded of one of life's fundamental truths: Greedo did NOT shoot first! Thank you for listening.

Bus Guy: Someone should make a gay Peter Pan. Me: Someone did. Bus Guy: Yeah? What's it called? Me: Peter Pan.

"What's that smell?" - me, just before my first contact buzz, Springsteen, Born in the USA tour, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, 1985

God exists and is love and was at work in the mind of whoever decided to put lotion inside of kleenex.

This is all Nixon's fault.

Life is a dog show. I'm in the non-sporting group.

"I should get paid for having ideas!" - everybody, everywhere

Yo, baby - wanna "make a turducken"? #ThanksgivingPickUpLines

escaping from a Japanese cartoon petting zoo

Statistically, 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.

"If your country opens a Department of War and closes the Department of Education then you live in a shithole." -𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝟿𝟾%

Remember that time Brian Griffin died and I predicted it would be only temporary a-la Star Trek J.J. Abrams alternate timeline thing and I turned out to be right? No you don’t, because we didn’t have Bluesky back then, but trust me - it happened.

This is not a skeet.

"Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan is nearly one quarter complete!" - The Robot Devil

If I’m understanding this correctly, X is owned by a white nationalist who pays poor people of color in developing countries to pretend to be working class white Americans to scare other white Americans into being afraid poor people of color from developing countries are going to ruin America?

Screw the 'meow', you're the whole damned cat.

"Pie don't work unless you let it." - Agent K, July 1969

If anyone challenges me this weekend: "Oh, you all love cranberry sauce, but nobody wants to watch how it's made!!!"

Is there anything more comfortingly annoying than the lukewarm trickle of an airport hotel shower?

She: Look, there's burgatory. Me: What? You mean Five Guys? She: No. An actual restaurant called "Burgatory".

#GVerse #KingResist #Unite #FBaRmy @nikkibas.bsky.social @browneyegirlhi.bsky.social @coko.bsky.social @kingresist.bsky.social @rubicon1313.bsky.social David Clayton is running for congress in NC's District 5 against #FuckMAGA Republican Virginia Foxx — and this is how he introduced himself.👇

In Monrovia, California, protesters are purchasing 17¢ ICE scrapers from Home Depot and immediately returning them to create long lines and slow down the entire store. Their aim is to disrupt sales and convey a message opposing ICE raids occurring in their neighborhood.

MTG is pullin' a Paul Ryan "I got mine"'s the reason anythin' else is lyin' they got the goods on her and threatened to expose the dnc office bomber had six toes

One time Bender was driving and Fry said "Put the metal to the petal to the other metal!". . .which is pretty funny 'cause Bender is a robot

When you've enjoyed a leisurely drive to the gig - with several extra stops so as not to be early - only to discover you forgot a keyboard.

A group of Proctologists is called The Fellowship of the Ring

The only thing I hate worse that people who don't see things through is people wh

Casting Director: You're kinda long in the tooth. Me: Yeah - takes me hours to floss. CD: I didn't mean that literally. Me: I can have 'em filed down.

Mmm! "Big Bowl of Expired Vitamins" stays crunchy - even when I add milk! (well, Kahlua and cream, but same diff)

Just flew into the new Pittsburgh airport- who wants to touch me?

When the walk is too quiet, I become a blues man: "Mama was a displaced palm tree, Papa the cold Hollywood rain."

Little help? I left my slide rule at home - how many craploads are in a shit-ton?

All I want is for everyone to do & think as I say, & devote their entire existence to making mine more pleasant? Why is that so much to ask?

I really hate it when scientists keep saying that “we need to rebuild trust in science,” because it implies that scientists are to blame for the mistrust rather than the millions of dollars of dark money that have funded political attacks on science in order to advance a far right agenda.

Pardon me, good townspeople, but shouldn't your sign read "Welcome to New Eauxrleans"? You're welcome.

Me: On this one South Park epi- She: Once on Downton Abbey- Me: Ok. Ok. Point taken. She: Yea, but listen - once on Downton Abbey, Lord Grantham. . .

Does telling someone they're on thin ice hit differently on Hoth?

She: Do you know why it's ironic that the pine tree represents Christmas? He: Because Jesus was born in a deciduous forest?

Sat at an airport slot with 40 bucks, walked away with 43 simoleons - take THAT, Vegas!

You are the Mary Stuart Masterson in the 80's movie that is my life.

Dear 4:30 AM: Stop It. Sincerely, me.

Sometimes my Ohio slips out during linear algebra class: "You dunno ifn the matrix is orthogonally diagonalizable? Welp, yer gonna hafta Gram-Schmidt that sumbitch."