the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

The irony is not lost on us.

This is a dance off, if you see this, repost a dance, or you're eliminated

Imagine buying into the bullshit and joining 🧊 thinking you're gonna kick some criminal ass then being told "Sure, Rambo - check this family's American Tourister."

Imagine

I’ve decided I will not make a decision as to whether Robert Mueller is dead.

Me, whenever I read the news:

She: Have you ever heard of a self-loathing actor? Me: I've never heard of any other kind.

Would rhyming "divide us" with "tinnitus" take the edge off of a protest song?

Before you panic at the disco, you're worried in the ballroom.

Chuck Norris will be all eight of his pallbearers.

Fun fact: In Spanish, "James Comer" means "James To Eat".

The internet is wild

Morning.

I don't need external validation... what do you think of that?!. . . Anyone with me?!!. . . Who's with me?!!!. . . Hooray for me?!!!

hehehe uh-huh huh hehe. . . "titular" huh huh huh hehehe uh huh

My division? Joy.

My midnight runners? Dexys.

My Chung? Wang.

Rural Ohio doesn’t have Ralph’s, we have Kroger. Actually, we have Dunning–Kruger - they think they have good produce, but it’s not that good.

this is what we deserve for not having removed him yet

you lost me at "NEW-cue-lar"

Don't ask how I know, but "Parts & technical crew for the forest moon" won't get you through a DUI checkpoint.

I'd say that integration techniques are a slippery slope, but you should've covered slope in Calc I - enjoy the exam! MWA-hahaha!

Return to the Blue LaDune

I Still Know What You Dune Last Summer

How YOU Dune?

Markwayne's hearing went from C-SPAN to C-SPANK real fast.

OSSOFF: A kremlin asset says ‘what?’. GABBARD: What? OSSOFF: Exactly.

If I'm found dead on the floor in front of the TV, know that it was because this hayseed gave me a stroke.

We are living the dystopia we've earned by valuing spectacle over substance.

Today, my response to everything is "two deodorants!"

I have an ornithology joke but it's for the birds.

I have an economics joke but no one will buy it.

I have a chemistry joke but it has too many elements.

The algorithm that keeps the internet running was written by a woman in one weekend. Radia Perlman created the Spanning Tree Protocol in 1985, preventing network loops that could crash early networks. Computer scientist. Inventor. A mind behind the internet. #SheShed #V4V #WomensHistoryMonth

West Virginia is raising the drinking age to 30 to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

S: "Professor, what does 'QED' mean?" Me: "It's Latin for 'mic drop'."

Will we ever go back to the good ol' days, when you could eat fava beans WITHOUT a nice Chiaaanti?

LA friend A: I'd like the Egg Beaters. LA friend B: I'll have the soy turkey & tofu. Me: Bring me a live baby chick, marinating in its own tears.

It's a beautiful day in LA! The sun is shining through a cloudless blue sky, the traffic is churning out the carbon monoxide that will eventually lead to the planet's demise, the homeless meth heads are discarding last night's tooth harvest - it's a beautiful day in LA! . . .

Be even more aware the TARDY Ides of March! (like the regular Ides but just always late - like you got nothing better to do but sit there waiting for Ides - oh, then! when they finally do show up, they've got fucking Starbucks in their hands...self-centered asshole-ish late Ides...*smdh*)

If you see this, post a character that starts with the letter V.

“A promise is just a lie that hasn’t happened yet.” - James Austin Johnson as 45*/47*

tmw the unhoused trumpet dude next to the liquor store stumbles upon a few licks from the original Tron soundtrack #CahuengaPassLife

Once on 3/14, I donned a Hawaiian shirt/giant mustache and went to school as Magnum Pi.

To the recent spate of erotic novelists who've for some reason joined my Bluesky feed: thank you for your moist, ample, throbbing, follows.

Just ate cake on pi day. That's the kind of play-by-his-own-rules badass I am.