LONG AGO, IN A DISTANT LAND, HITLER, THE SHAPESHIFTING MASTER OF DARKNESS, UNLEASHED AN UNSPEAKABLE EVIL. BUT MY GRANDPA, WIELDING A MAGIC SWORD, STEPPED FORTH TO OPPOSE HIM...

fuck, this one is good

certainly not the highest priority here but i'm honestly not sure if "Operation Epic Fury" is more or less embarrassing a name than "Operation Iraqi Freedom" i'm leaning towards less, but it is damned close

they're almost starting to get it

well no

jesus christ

not anymore, no

uggghhhh i haven't dealt with district court in ten years, i forgot how Serious Business(tm) it is spent too long in the court of vibes and now i am confused and intimidated by the court of law

nice to be able to do an ex parte application without all the blind frothing panic for once

F is for fire that burns down the whole town U's for uranium...bombs! N is for no survivors WHEN YOU

pizza hut. the crust, man also it's the only pizza, as far as i know, that has ever been hocked by someone who once had authority to launch nuclear weapons

the royal family is devastated to learn of former prince andrew's tragic death next week from a self-inflicted execution-style gunshot to the back of the head

i've often wondered how bluesky is benefiting the oligarchs, perhaps it's just as simple as sequestering us into one little bubble where we can do them no harm

most people don't like their in-laws but i guess tony clark is built different

sorry, client, i cannot meet with you today. i actually died. you sent too many emails with too many words in them and i exploded like a spinal tap drummer. nothing but a little green globule left on my chair. everyone commented on it! surprised you missed it.

a first amended petition is usually abbreviated in discovery as "FAP," which means it is typically inevitable to receive discovery demands requesting "All DOCUMENTS on which YOU relied for YOUR FAP," and it is typically equally inevitable for me to giggle like a fucking child over it

he'll save children but not the british children

Absolutely insane band. youtu.be/0Ssi-9wS1so?...

and yet jorking it is the most solipsistic of sex acts

little on the nose there, fortune cookie

couldn't talk myself into spending $30 on a lobster roll from a food truck

try financial elder abuse! only half-joking here, i think some people are legitimately relying on unduly influencing their way into a house or something

apropos of nothing, i find it amusing that the most compelling argument AI boosters can make for their product is that resistance to it is futile

boss man's dog was eaten by coyotes last night, so, that's how this week is going

when did they start defacing my poptarts like this :|

one of my favorite songs in my library is an arabic cover of "rock the casbah"

i barely even know how to pronounce mauritius

man how the fuck am i supposed to supposed to find someone on mauritius

lol never mind

oh, the patriots have been playing like dogshit for three quarters in the super bowl against a bird-named team that built a big lead on them, huh

i showed u my tactics please respond

oh dang PCH is open again through Big Sur

when the villain is actually correct

i fell into a vortex of watching Dragon Ball Super clips last night, which, divorced from all other context, actually seem not too bad. for a moment i entertained the thought that maybe the new Dragon Ball media isn't so stupid after all. then i read the plot summary and nope

everywhere else in the country has turned into the surface of Hoth but here it is 90 degrees and i don't like it

Dictatorships 101, Week 3, guest lecture Your Praetorian Guards: Take Care of Them, and They'll Take Care of You. Don't Take Care of Them, and They'll Take Care of You.

girl scout cookie season has begun and i have already succumbed

do you want heroes in a half shell? because this is how you get heroes in a half shell

"genitally underprivileged" i gotta remember that one

pouring one out for that girl who bit trump's dick, that's legendary

dang

and how!

if i was a billionaire i would have a volcanic lair, from which i would drill down into the earth's core and detonate nuclear bombs there perhaps i would be assisted by my languid and exotic female companion who is a ninja but always wears cocktail dresses and answers to "Gold Pussy" or something

i would like to think he had never heard this joke about his name at all ever in his life and this photo is capturing the exact moment someone explains it to him

the Dad Rock Caucus is turning

if this was part of a strategy to create space for fence-sitters and moderates to come around to the "abolish ICE" position, then okay...but i don't really trust Schumer et al to be that savvy

old vet called with a reminder for a checkup for my cat Sally, the one i had to put down 10 months ago because of Sudden Surprise Untreatable Fast-Moving Cancer feelsbadman.jpg