'Here's the Jeeves MkI Robo-Butler. It comes with #undertones of sarcasm.' 'Far too expensive.' 'Ok. We do have the Alfred "Michael Caine" 200. I'll just demonstrate.' 'You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.' 'Hmm. It appears to be stuck in Italian Job mode.' #vss365

'This is unsufferable. I challenge you to a duel.' 'I accept, Sir. Your weapon of choice?' 'Deadly fish, Sir.' 'I choose #Piranha fish.' 'Then I shall choose, Scorpion fish.' 'Tomorrow at dawn?' 'Indeed, Sir.' 'Good day, Sir.' 'Good day.' #vss365 Readers: What the fuck was that?

Katie was always losing things. She lost her #raincoat at the park whilst playing football. She lost her dinner money on the school bus. But she never expected to lose her shadow. She'd had it yesterday. It had followed her all around the playground. But now it was gone. #vss365

'I'm here to see a band tonight? The #Verve?' 'Yeah. They're on now. Are you here to sign them?' 'If they fit the criteria. I've just signed Oasis and The Stone Roses so let's see. Bandy legged swagger. Nasally Manc vocals. Talented but also very annoying. They're in.' #vss365

'Oh God no. The man's a complete #libertine, a cad and a bounder. He'll have half the female staff pregnant within a month, the other half within 2 months, and half the male staff will get a "little curious" too. God. Show him in.' 'Lord Flashheart, m' Lord.' 'Woof woof.' #vss365

In AD 79, Jeffus Twattus began his journey to create the first ever travel guide. It would be the greatest book the world had ever seen. His first stop. Pompei. As Mount Vesuvius spewed volcanic #ash into the air, he muttered his final words. "Oh, for fuckus saykius." #vss365

There's an alien onboard Don't know what to do Ship's cat is missing It's eating all the crew In the shaft above I hear its nasty shriek Claws #clash on steel Drool drips on my cheek Terrified, I look up It's up there on a beam Out here in space No one hears you scream #vss365

Charlie looked forlornly at the burnt down remains of his once prestigious music venue whilst his business #associate, Geoff, nervously chewed at his nails. 'Geoff, you know when I asked you to book 10,000 Maniacs to do last nights gig?' 'Yeah.' 'I meant the band.' 'Oh.' #vss365

'You're meant to be my agent. Where are all the starring roles in film and TV you promised?' 'A few more #adverts and producers will start to take notice .' 'What, like the last toilet product commercial I did? Flush Gordon. Saviour of the U ooh bend.' 'Love that advert.' #vss365

Jo was about to have one of those days. Gasping for breath, she swore as the bus she'd been chasing disappeared around the corner. There was a twang as the #elastic in her knickers failed, and she felt them slide down her legs and onto her ankles. And it was only 9 am. #vss365

Prince Cuthbert gladly renounced his claim to the throne to his cousin, Evil Vlad Killerby. He thought it best given that his older brother had mistakenly been beaten to a #pulp in his bed prior to accidentally cutting his own head off and then falling out of a window. #vss365

It's Tuesday, 2125. Here's the news. Liam and Noel Gallagher from #Oasis have been revived from cryogenic sleep. However, after 9 consecutive hours of saying "I'm mad for it," they were refrozen, with a warning to future generations not to unfreeze them ever again. #vss365

'Whose the defender with #sonorous voice. The opposition can't get past him. Amazing. Who is he? We need to sign him for our team.' 'Umm, let's see. It's the number four, isn't it, boss. He's only got one name. Gandalf. He must be Brazilian.' 'YOU SHALL NOT PASS!' #vss365

'We must be united during the demo,' said Val, handing out placards. 'Jeff, the fantasy writer, made the chant sheets. Let's go. What do we want?' 'More pay!' 'When do we want it?' 'Some time in the distant #past when the Elf Wizard ruled Magorium??' 'Oh for fuck's sake.' #vss365

Pippin the #Pixie clung onto the falcon as it skimmed through the air in formation with two other falcons and their riders. 'This is Red Leader, preparing to make our attack run on the Death Nest,' he said. 'Herons on your six,' yelled Red Two. 'It's Darth Wader!' #vss365

One by one, the travellers revealed their #mystical items in readiness for the quest. 'Behold the Bag of Speed,' said Geoff. 'It makes your mind work faster.' 'How doth it work?' 'You sniff the white powder in the bag.' 'So it is literally a bag of speed.' 'Umm....Yes.' #vss365

Nobody could explain it. Every time Jon did anything, music would come from the sky. Sombre music would play when he was #grumpy. Sad music if he felt down. His wife left him eventually. There's only so much 70's funk wah wah guitar you can take when you're having sex. #vss365

Death was feeling very glum. Wearing black all the time will do that to an entity. To shake things up, he donned a new #rainbow coloured dreamcoat and instantly felt his spirits lift, right up to the point somebody shouted, 'bloody hell, Joseph, you've let yourself go.' #vss365

The huge cavern stretched out before him. The temptation was just too much. 'Echo!' he shouted into the darkness. 'Echo...echo..echo....' came the reply, fading away at the end, making him #laugh. He took a step back, smiling. 'Echo,' said a voice directly behind him. #vss365

'Mrs Brown died yesterday.' 'The old lady down the road. How?' 'A #prank that went wrong. It involved her swallowing a fly, then a #spider, and then an assortment of other animals that culminated in her swallowing a horse. It was the horse that killed her.' 'Of course.' #vss365

The Kodak #Brownie was the most famous of the folklore collection of cameras, developed in the early 1900s. Each camera was designed to capture a specific creature. The Elfkon. The Fairy 2000. The Nymphet. It was a brave photographer who could master the Troll Picmaster. #vss365

I remember the day Brad and I set up Fight Club. There was only one #rule. You do not talk about Fight Club. However, we soon got bored with just the two of us kicking shit out of each other every week. We wanted to add more members. But, you do not talk about Fight Club. #vss365

'What seems to be the problem, Mr Abel?' 'It's my AI sex droid. It keeps #sassing me. I thought they were meant to be fully compliant.' 'Well, it depends. If the droid senses its owner is a dumb fuck, they will rebel. Are you MAGA?' 'Yep, sure am.' 'Well, there you go.' #vss365

'Oh, Darth Vader is on board and is causing loads of #mischief.' 'Bloody Vader. What's he up to? Is he doing that force thing again with the strangly hand?' 'Yeah. What a nobhead. Just play along as usual.' 'Look at me gasping for air.' 'I..can't breathe..what a twat.' #vss365

'I've got good news and bad news, Captain.' 'Good news first.' 'I've managed to fix that annoying #hum that was reverberating around the spaceship.' 'It's gone. Hurrah. And the bad news?' 'The hum was the sound of the oxygen generator. We'll be dead in 9 minutes.' 'Booo.' #vss365

'So here's the pub crawl itinerary, guys. First, the Scabby Pigeon, followed by the Broken Bottle, the No Legged Horse, the Diseased #Elm, the Big Jobbie in the Loo, the Sunken Ship, and finally, the Cat Drowned in Custard.' 'God, we live in a right shit hole, don't we.' #vss365

This particular #sparrow was different. He had #sapphire blue eyes and a red mark on his cheek. And if you were to look more closely, then maybe, just maybe, you'd remember little Johnny Renshaw with the blue eyes and birthmark on his face, who went missing last year. #vss365

Some would say they were the luckiest pair of cowboys to ride the wild west. They never planned their bank robberies, just took their chances. Weirdly, more often than not, they'd be successful too. Oh yes, there was no stopping Butch Cassidy and the #Happenstance Kid. #vss365

A #crimson '58 Plymouth Fury called Christine had been its last host, but now it had found another. It lurked in the shadows, waiting for its next victim. And there he was. The chase was on. The canal boat's engine burst into life. 1, 2, 3, 4mph. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. #vss365

'What would I like to drink? A good question, and a question I feel I must cogitate upon, for as I gaze upon you, barkeep, whose azure eyes draw me ever closer into the deep well of choice of libation, a #tear seeps from my soul and...' 'Oh God you're a poet aren't you.' #vss365

Drop some PUPPETS 🧵✋️🖤

'You made a #promise to defend the Kingdom, Sir Wallis.' 'Aye, that I did, Majesty.' 'Yet you refuse to raise your blade against the invading enemy.' 'Aye. The problem is this. Thine enemy is the friend of my enemy's enemy's friend's brother's enemy, Majesty.' 'What??'

Amy Gibbs, head of Android Investigations, fired the first question at the very handsome Android sat before them. 'What is your #purpose?' 'To make a woman orgasm like never before.' 'Okay. I'll take it from here,' said Amy to her partner. 'Lock the door on the way out.' #vss365

'The crash was really bad, but we managed to rebuild Colonel Austin. He's now stronger, faster, and when he looks at things, his eye goes dooo dooo dooo dooo.' 'That's incredible. What's the procedure?' 'We inserted two black stones into his brain. We call it bi-#onyx.' #vss365

The Earth was feeling #mellow. Everything was in perfect balance, and there was a languid peacefulness that softly radiated out into the universe. Life was good. Sigh. And then on Monday it all changed. They were called humans and the little fuckers ruined everything. #vss365

'You're suffering from #idolatry, Igor. It's the rarest form too, Billy Idolitis.' 'How can you tell, Master.' 'The leather jacket, tight trousers, spiked up dyed platinum blonde hair. Oh, and shouting, "Rebel Yell" a lot.' 'What utter garbage... rebel yell!' 'See.' #vss365

#Deviants, deviants everywhere With the MAGA red caps And that dumb fuck stare Big beer bellies And 1970s hair Confederate flags And their underwear Sponsored by KKK Thoughts and a prayer When kids are shot At the local school fair A new breed of stupid I do declare #vss365

Her blue #taffeta dress spills onto the bedroom floor. She watches him undress, feasting her eyes on his excitement, senses in overdrive as he pulls her onto the bed. Lips search out lips.' It is their first time. 'Is it in?' 'Ow, my ribs.' 'Hnnnnnh.' 'Did you just..' #vss365

'#Rook takes Queen's Bishop.' 'I bet it does. Dirty little Rook. Knight takes Pawn.' 'Oh spanky wanky for the poor little Pawn. Queen takes Knight.' 'Behind the bike sheds, that's where she takes him.' 'I think we're about to be told off by the librarian again, Gladys.' #vss365

'So when the Doofus twins arrive, you take care of them, right.' 'What?' 'I owe them money and somebody told me you were a #boxer.' 'I am.' 'Well then. Sort them out for me.' 'I make boxes.' 'So no fighting skills then?' 'Well, I have to wrestle with the boxes sometimes.' #vss365

'Oh look, it's Achilles. Look at me, I'm Achilles, I'm so tough.' 'Yeah, he's like, I'm Achilles, I killed Hector, I'm so tough.' 'I've heard #heels are his weakness.' 'Heels?' 'Yep heels.' 'Maybe he likes to wear high heels.' 'Ooh, look, I'm Achilles. I wear high heels.' #vss365

See John. See John say he's a #patriot. See John blame people who aren't like him for his shitty life. See John not take responsibility for his own life choices. John is obsessed with flags. And taking his country back. And looking backwards to a time that never existed. #vss365

#Nostalgia can be a powerful thing. It can skip down memory lane with you whilst holding your hand. It can show you moments that make you smile. But spend too much time with it, and the bitterness can seep in. A yearning for a return to the past. The cost? Your soul. #vss365

It was a #scintilla of an idea. A fragment of a thought that started to grow and gain traction in the world. There was a beginning, a middle and an end. A story waiting to be written. It just needed to be brought to life. 'Maybe tomorrow,' said Teri, sipping her wine. #vss365

'Jeez, that steamroller flattened you pretty bad, buddy. Are you okay?' 'I am Groot.' #vsspic

It was one #moment in #space and time. The merest of glimpses into a future yet to be determined. One of those decisions that would create a split in the time continuum, creating a parallel universe. Joe opted for the chocolate cake rather than the danish pastry. #vss365

'The #vagaries of this star system mean that the #starscape is forever changing, making it hard to navigate Captain.' 'Solutions?' 'I suggest we engage the Musk X navigation drive to guide us.' 'Doesn't that always try and steer us to the right?' #vss365

'Behold the Pharaoh's #Enigma, Igor. It has taken me a decade of my life to create this 3D wooden puzzle. I've sent it to the best minds across the world to solve, and it has beaten them all. I'm a genius.' 'Don't you just press that, Master?' *CLICK* 'What the...' #vss365

Nobody expected Marc Bolan to return to Earth as an all knowing robot. Giving sage advice to the world, he helped make it a better place. And so the people gathered and did raise a glass to their robotic saviour. 'Metal #guru, here's to you,' they all cheered as one. #vss365

He was the last #progenitor of the Wise One from a century ago. The land had been a wasteland for nine decades, but even though they were starving and dying, and he lived in an opulent golden villa, they still loved him. They removed their MAGA baseball caps as he spoke. #vss365