TEN MINUTES. YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO MAKE POPCORN.

A very big Onion announcement: The Onion has spent the last two months working on a masterpiece. It's a documentary titled Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile. It's so good, in fact, we were set to release it in theatres nationwide on October 2nd. Then two weeks ago, Charlie Kirk was shot.

The Onion News Network truck is currently stationed outside the Broadview ICE Detention facility just outside of Chicago.

I have sent a copy of ‘The Onion’ to every member of Congress. To spread its message to less powerful people, I have also taken out an ad in a lesser newspaper. Read my full letter here: theonion.com/why-im-sendi...

EXCLUSIVE — The Onion has a full-page ad in today’s NYT featuring part of an editorial calling out congressional fecklessness towards Trump. They also sent a copy of their latest issue to every lawmaker. My report, with an excerpt from the full editorial: www.thehandbasket.co/p/exclusive-...

If I told you how long I've dreamed of an animated newswire on theonion.com, you'd probably believe me but we'd both be embarrassed to have discussed it.

That's the gig.

Incredible to hear. I’ll say it’s less surprising to someone intimately aware of all the previous constraints but still very validating. Long live The Onion.

The Onion subscriber newsletter was nominated for a Webby Award today. The thing you get OTHER than the paper is up for an award. Yes, I will eat the Webby if we win. Stop asking. I like how they taste. It is not unusual. It's regular behavior. vote.webbyawards.com/PublicVoting...

Long live The Onion.

Subscribe to journalism's last, desperate stand. Join America's Finest Membership at 25% off: membership.theonion....

The Onion summer writing fellowship is seeking applicants! It's six months, good salary and benefits. This year's applicants do NOT have to complete the Eating Challenge, as it turns out this does not adhere to Illinois labor law. We apologize to those who have died in the past.

Supporters Praise Trump For Upholding Traditional American Value Of Supporting Murderous Dictators For Political Gain

The Papua New Guinea Courier is in rare form.

Think Tank Called ‘The Himmler Institute’ Assures Nation This All Legal theonion.com/think-t...

America’s most influential newspapers are now not only useless but deceptive, laundering the toxicity and greed of the plutocrats who have purchased the government Still some good arts coverage tho

This dude disgusts me.

Hi guys! Important note! If you want to get the Christmas Edition of The Onion before Christmas, please sign up by tomorrow at noon! Our 25% off sale ends then! This month's issue includes 16 extra pages of Onion wrapping paper. Including... this guy. Subscribe here: membership.theonion.com

Trump Boys Get Weird Feeling After Uncle Elon Shows Them Busty Anime Cat Girl theonion.com/trump-boys-g...

I spoke with Brandis Friedman @wttw.bsky.social on the InfoWars hubbub and managed not to audibly shit my pants in my very first TV appearance. Listen closely! to.wttw.com/3Cy4Alc

Hi everyone. The Onion, with the help of the Sandy Hook families, has purchased InfoWars. We are planning on making it a very funny, very stupid website. We have retained the services of some Onion and Clickhole Hall of Famers to pull this off. I can't wait to show you what we have cooked up.

Never thought I'd live to see the day.

America's Finest News Source:

I signed up for the monthly print edition of The Onion and I just got the October issue and its the best money I've ever spent hands down. So fucking good.

Look, you can pay us $60 now through August 31, or you can pay us $99 thereafter. But you will pay us. Become an Onion member while it's still optional. membership.theonion.com

The Onion Fellowship is back and better than ever. Now with benefits, if you're into that sort of thing: jobs.gusto.com/postings/the...

Can confirm.

You bear full responsibility for what unfolds in the coming days.

Was trying to find a different Onion post but this made me laugh so here we are

just an absolute haul from the Jewels

We've gone legit.

“This strike will cause significant delays in our eventual scrapping of those projects.”

getting teary at this exchange. there is hope.