In a world where you could be an Andrew Tate, be a Harry Styles instead. One personifies toxic masculinity and makes the world's vaginas clamp shut. The other is so confident and comfortable in his sexuality and identity that women and girls of all ages flock to him. Lad is a whole green flag.

If you remember these scents, how's perimenopause going?

In other news, I bought a takeaway coffee in my local Tesco as part of a meal deal. We're 3 days away from March and they're still using the Christmas cups. I approve. Turns out, in Stockers (the new Berlin) it's always Christmas and we reduce unnecessary waste. A veritable inverse Narnia.

One of the MANY reasons why - in my 40s and all out of fucks to give - I don't want to be skinny af but wham af. At 6ft tall I'm leaning into my strengths (literally). But omfg when are we going to stop making this a women's problem when it's a *man* problem. www.theguardian.com/society/2026...

Anyway. Back home for a brew and then bed. No longer the blanket/coat while kipping on a pal's sofa. Happy new year one and all. May 2026 be less shitty than all its predecessors (though who are we kidding, eh? We know it's going to be utter bobbins).

A whole year workshopping this: Coldplay, some shite, Big Ben, Bollywood, some other stuff. Anyway, what does New York do? "Off the end; off the Hudson, who knows?!". That's the discussion. No one knows. Too many hours drinking to understand.

Happy new year, bitches.

Cheers, Monzo. What can I say? It's not a crime for a girl to like a vegan sossij roll and a second hand pair of dungarees, is it now... IS IT, NOW?

A glimpse of what my future holds (I'm not complaining).

This is the 15th year of #DuvetKnowItsChristmas, which is preposterous. Rules: if you find yourself dealing with unusual / claustrophobic / gaudy sleeping arrangements this Christmas Eve, share a picture with the world. Use the hashtag (with capitalisation) and cc me if you can be bothered.

Well that was a load of old shite. I look forward to rewatching Love Actually in a year.

Liam Neeson's 12-year-old on-screen son's gf is really, REALLY, annoying.

Martine McCutcheon's on-screen parents were her first bullies calling her "plumpy". The whole lot need therapy.

If I accidentally answered the door to the PM while in my pants I'd not just wish him on his way. That's why Alan's crush is a whole red flag. Why's she not got some policy questions for him?

Emma Thompson was about a year older than me when this was filmed. And she's absolutely *stun*. Give the babe an award; would *kill* for the thick hair and beautiful skin. Alan, meanwhile, was a total babe IRL but a total twat in this film. The kid with Liam Neeson as his da is well annoying.

Kris Marshall finding that women in the US also found him a bit cringe, a bit annoying, would have been an infinitely better storyline than him becoming a sex god in Wisconsin. But Richard Curtis is basic, so that was never going to happen.

Rowan Atkinson out-performing 90% of the cast by just being Atkinson. Like a 2% effort from him.

Love Alan; hate his character. She's not gonna shag you, mate.

FAAAAACKING HELL the Martine McCutcheon being "chubby" with "huge thighs" storyline gets worse each year. The poor lass is *stunning*, and what - a size 8 to 10? But OH MY GOD SHE HAS BOOBS AND HIPS. Outrageous. Fat old bint. (Je blague, obviously).

Stockport when anyone ever says it's the new Berlin and what a blueprint for regeneration of shit northern mill towns looks like. Stockers: "They're all of me... But you never talk to me. You always talk to [Manchester]... you don't like me..." The world: "It's a self-preservation thing you see".

I have made a #DuvetKnowItsChristmas bingo card! And done alt text on it (as everyone else should, if they're able).

My annual hate watch of Love Actually is here. Every year, the Kris Marshall and Chiwetel Ejiofor love triangle and Martine McCutcheon being coded as fat become more ridiculous/outrageous. Yet every year, Emma Thompson's secret bedroom crying and bedspread smoothing gets me more than the last.

Only eight days left to perform the annual hate watch of Love Actually.

Living the middle aged, middle class, childfree, woman's dreams by drinking chicken wine rosé in bed on a Friday night while rewatching Fleabag and laughing at stupid shit my mates have sent me on Whatsapp.

Zero regrets #spotifyunwrapped

Out of shot: the yellow vest top and purple sports bra. In a world where the gym bros all seemingly wear black, bring a slice of clashing neon to the weights room at the gym.

The Euston Dash is especially Eustony, especially dashy, this evening. Friday night. Trains before and after mine were cancelled. Seven minutes from calling the platform to the doors closing. Every Manc understands, but we definitely don't need the increased capacity that HS2 would have brought

This is hilarious. I'm over 40, fat, and female and even I could pass the ICE fitness test. Fifteen press ups, 32 sit ups and running 1.5 miles in 14 minutes... And yet a third of applicants fail. Come on. 😂 www.independent.co.uk/news/world/a...

I don't wish to sound boastful, but when I bought a portable aircon in 2022 loads of people took the piss. Who's laughing now, eh? It's 32 degrees outside and my bedroom is a lovely 18 degrees. The rest of the upstairs is pushing 30 degrees. I'm happy, cats are happy. Best daft purchase of my life.

Gardening-related injuries. What a boring git.

Something fishy about this sob story (1) The photos are stock shots taken in 2012 and 2014, available from Shutterstock and Alamy—links below. (2) There’s no trace of bankers Al and Alexandra Moy anywhere other than the Telegraph 🤔 www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/... www.alamy.com/stock-photo-...

THIS adorable plonker fell head-first into the toilet this morning and got soaked (in water, not piss). How's your day going?

Hey United Utilities.Let's make a deal: you stop giving your top two execs £4m in pay and bonuses each year and stop dumping waste in Windermere, and I'll reduce how long I spend in the shower and do one less washing load a week. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

"How did you spend your day off?" "Ah, the standard 'dealing with a pipe in the ceiling that decided to piss water all over my new kitchen'." It's never a bank hol weekend in this old house without a plumbing/roofing/electrical emergency. Wonder which bit will cave in next? Place your bets now.

Electricity is woke now. I'd never thought of investing in the Lincolnshire tallow and open hearth fire industries but I guess it's a good time now. 🤷🏽‍♀️🕯️🔥

I'll precis this by saying that I'm in a very fortunate financial situation compared to many but HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD these grocery prices are getting out of control. I'm a lentil-munching, home-baking, freezer-full-of-stuff-I've-made-from-scratch twat but even I'm finding this troublesome.

I would be extremely happy if it could stay at this temperature (23 to 28 Celsius), sunny, with minimal rain until October, please. Could even go a touch warmer. Thanks in advance (even though I know that we will oscillate wildly between 8 degrees and 40 degrees between now and then).

A very happy #EdBallsDay to all those who celebrate it

Define "liberal elite". Because unless we're talking about being elite at log-end darts, climbing chimneys or working in mills then I'm not sure that using a still from a drama about working class Northerners from 100ish years ago is really supporting the T*legraph's mental gymnastics.

Watching a documentary about the late Pope is somewhat challenging when one has a Google Assistant. Every time someone on screen says "Jorge Bergoglio" the Assistant thinks someone is saying "hey Google" 🤣

Levantine Easter feasting. All homemade: bureka, kofta, chicken with arak and clementines, mujadara, flatbread, focaccia, butternut and tahini dip, beetroot dip, fattoush, tabouleh, spinach with almonds and dates, baba ghanoush, halloumi and baklava. He is risen (and who wouldn't for this scran).

Today in 'adventures of not straightening one's hair' I managed to quite literally make a colleague jump when I switched my camera on with my hair piled on top of my head. Admittedly the waves are totally out of control. But still. Good to know the spirit of Side Show Bob lives on 🤣

Private equity is not solely responsible for the enshittification of Britain, but it's certainly at the forefront of it. Unfulfilled by ruining your favourite small business, retail chain, or dining experience, here they are enshittifying veterinary care. Total spivs www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Poor Brian probably should have googled what 'nō' means before he made himself the joke. 😂

The past few weeks have reminded me how much fun the 90s were and how - away from school - carefree we were as teens. Skunk Anansie. Ocean Colour Scene. Kula Shaker. And a new Pulp album incoming... Music was my whole world in the mid/late 90s and now in my 40s the acts I loved are still 💯

www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cg... well this looks utterly miserable.

"Mistakes were made". Gizmo hiding after he decided it would be fun to repeatedly and deliberately annoy my oldest and most patient cat, Tibby, only for Tibby to absolutely wallop him in return.

This is why I'm depressed. Sixteen-year-old me thought adult life would involve driving through central London in a Rolls Royce with Alan Rickman before doing sensual dance on a forecourt. Instead it's taking a bus through Fallowfield before queueing in a Tesco Express for groceries I can't afford.

Had a lot of fun @buffyrevamped.bsky.social last night @thelowry.com. If you're a nerd with a love of the nineties and noughties then this one-man show is a must see. Very silly, very cleverly done, and very funny.

Gizmo acting like he caught the fish for the fish pie.