I have a feeling that @ntnewman.bsky.social needs this image for future reactions:

The older I get the more able I am to see the future crystal clear. See my last post.

If you ever feel like a worthless bag of shit - just know someone is frantically searching the web right now, trying to dig up dirt to slander the memory of a deceased registered nurse to protect goverment storm troopers they don’t know. So, you’re not that bad after all.

I can’t remember if it’s dates or figs I like. But it’s definitely one more than the other.

I’ve decided on a stage name: Nicolas Buran.

I just want to have some chili in a Wendy’s solarium then go home and catch the end of the cubs game on WGN.

Holistic medicine update: I’m better but I can’t tell if it’s the “medicine” or I got better.

I have a sore throat and bought holistic remedies from a health food store. If anybody has a spare rope I’d be happy to piss up it as well.

I bought a Tottenham Hotspur fitted hat. It wasn’t cheap. If I found out that the Tottenham football club did some really terrible things that hurt innocent people-I’d toss the hat out and eat the $32. You don’t have to defend repugnant stuff just because you bought their merch.

Promise me you’ll write my obituary in the dingbat font. Promise me.

I’ve been in a constant state of self-explanation since 2004. And no I won’t elaborate on this.

The guy my college girlfriend left me for just got name-checked in the Easter bunny episode of Rick and Morty. We live in a simulation.

You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been in the locker room with the fellas and overheard someone say “I think she’d be way hotter if her eyelashes looked more like actual fucking spiders- that’s what makes a person attractive”

I finally got around to watching Downton Abbey. Is it just me or is Edith the obvious smash?

Baseballs thrown by players into the stands belong exclusively to children. Batted balls? That’s grown man stuff. You’re not catching a souvenir you’re protecting the village. Then you give it to a kid. You also have to make the catch to get the ball. Drop it- it’s a live ball.

Is there a “remedial dungeons and dragons”?

I applied to Sea-Org but they said I didn’t have the prerequisites or the gpa.

The movie “Euro Trip” does not hold up. Also, I never got my Biscoffs.

I like a solid pair of titties in their early 40’s #ThisIsTheOnlySocialMediaPlatformMyMomDoesntFollowMeOn

My town just opened its first Long John Silvers. There is a line of cars around the block. I say fuck that shit -Captain D’s for life you fair weather sons of bitches. Hush puppies is hush puppies.

Just so I got it. Copperfield was on a “list” then that “list” just disappeared.

I need to use this platform more.

Has anybody else spent the day gently stretching their Achilles tendon?

My balls are a UNESCO world heritage site.

All these things you’re saying didn’t stop you in November from hooping around giddy like an idiot when you thought you were getting tax breaks and perks. They weren’t deal breakers for you. So don’t act like they matter now that you’re on the outs.

This is the first pope in history to have a strong opinion one way or the other about Robin Ventura.

A quick Google search confirmed Boy II Men wearing the exclusive Newman Brat line. #NotFurling @ntnewman.bsky.social

I will not seek no will I accept the position of pope.

I love you. I’m just not “in” love with you.

I have averaged one alcohol beverage every 10 days and 9 hours this year so far.

Congrats to McNeese State for advancing on to the next round of the NCAA Tournament. I hope your sister schools all do good as well, fingers crossed for McHead, McShoulders, and McToes State in their games today

If she owns a pair of Teva Sandals, just go ahead and make yourself miserable for the rest of your life and leave her out of it. It’ll same you lots of time and money.

There is no chance a professional speech writer wrote “like the world has never seen before” or “like you’ve never seen” 33 times in the same text.

Portland & Austin are playing each other in a soccer match tomorrow. I wish I was a atisanal beard oil vendor at that game tomorrow. I’d wear a leather apron and a bowler hat and go up and down the stadium steps hollering “beard oil here, artisanal free trade beard oil, get your beard oil here!”

I wore a n inordinate amount of “No Fear” T-shirts.

Tell you racist uncle that there is a “white national anthem” it’s called “Mr. Brightside”.

All the people who said they’d never watch the NFL again are going to right now, they’ll also drink Bud Light and their kids are going to Disneyworld this summer. You can just say things and nobody ever holds you accountable.

I’m finally getting emotionally ready to buy an ed hardy shirt.

They wrote the movie “You’re Cordially Invited” in one afternoon.

I found a time-machine and went back in time to kill Blaine Perry-Drayton when he was just a baby. “Who’s Blaine Perry-Drayton?” Me: you’re welcome.

I’ve had a lot of experience around Blackhawk Helicopters- more than most people. You know what I’ve been speculating on the internet lately? Nothing. I shut the fuck up sometimes.

Yeah. The horrible person said something horrible… but eggs and gas right?!?

Its always fun when I get surprise name-checked on @heyscoops.bsky.social

“It was a mistake- I’m awkward, I hate what nazis stand for and believe and I denounce that ideology in all its forms.” That’s all he’d have to say. Just say that… unless there’s a reason you can’t.

You can still get high and play “PaRappa the Rapper” so inside that there is hope.

We have to hurry up - Melania has to go gun down Wyatt Earp behind the O.K. Corral after this.

I need gas but I’ll wait until this afternoon when it’s a dollar. I’ve been assured by people who wear sunglasses in their profile pics that’s what happens.