Oh man, how funny would it be if Hegseth gathered all the generals and admirals and tried to make them take a loyalty oath to trump, but then they were all like "nah bruh" and did a coup instead?

What a privilege it is to get to see firsthand what happens when The History Channel stops showing WWII documentaries 24/7 and instead just makes shit up about aliens.

Maybe he meant to say that Tylenol causes fascism?

Guns kill people. #Repeal2A

RFK told me Tylenol melts steel beams.

If and when Trump dies, who is going to be the next leader of maga? Ain't gonna be Vance, that dude has all the charisma of a damp couch cushion.

With ideologies this extreme, there is no middle ground and there is no opting out. If you are not anti-fascist, then you are pro-fascist.

Trump attacking antifascism

I usually do a really good job of keeping track of little personal items, but if I had a nickel for every hair elastic, tube of blistex, and pair of sunglasses I've lost in the past couple months, I'd be able to buy another pair of sunglasses to lose.

Would I watch a Father of the Bride sequel starring the entire cast of Only Murders in the Building? Um, I don't know, did Toto bless the rains down in Africa??

Update: Civil War cancelled due to shooter being demographically uncooperative

Even stone gives way when roots persist.

Look, was Charlie Kirk a white supremacist? Yes. Was he also a Christian supremacist? Yes. Did he peddle conspiracy theories that caused a lot of needless deaths during peak COVID? Also yes.

Let kids live #Repeal2A

Look, I didn't like the bastard any more than you did, but still, it's long past time we repeal 2A.

On the plus side, according to my Fitbit, my emotional distress counts as cardio!

Vaccines are battle training for your immune system. If you could give it intel on the enemy, why would you withhold that? Give me ALL the vaccines! I want to be prepared for everything!

I believe Trump is dead and there's literally nothing you or he can say or do to convince me otherwise. #TheEmperorHasNoPulse

My 2-year-old was alarmed to learn this morning that he has bones inside his body and even, yes, in his head. Follow me for more tips on how to traumatize your children ✨

Parallels between Trump and AI are endless. Both overpromise, underdeliver. They put people out of jobs. They lie and steal constantly. They think they know way more than they do. Both backed by techbro billionaires. Neither are any fucking good at their job. And everywhere you turn, there they are.

Sometimes I think Jesus might need a few Driver's Ed classes 😬

I heard that the reason Trump hasn't made any public appearances lately is because he is suffering from an acute case of the Epstein Files.

Dearest Martha, The National Guard stand solemn watch at the Krispy Kreme tonight. I cannot tell if they defend the people from the donuts, or the donuts from the people. Powdered sugar hangs in the air like cannon smoke. Jensen took a hot coffee to the face, he may never recover. Yours in glaze,

Hey so question: if no one is currently taking arms against this tyranny, then isn't the Second Amendment just utterly irrelevant?

on the one hand I should absolutely put my phone down but on the other hand what if the forces attacking democracy operate on weeping angels logic

In an attic somewhere, there's a painting of trump that's getting more and more praved

In an attic somewhere, there's a painting of trump that's getting more and more mented

In an attic somewhere, there's a painting of trump that's getting more and more luded

When Fox News says that Gavin Newsom's Trump-voice tweets are embarrassing, unhinged, and he needs to stop...

In an attic somewhere, there's a painting of trump that's getting more and more hinged

In an attic somewhere, there's a painting of trump that's getting more and more literate

In an attic somewhere, there's a painting of trump that's getting more and more competent

So it turns out I'm only bad at human names 😬

Outside Dupont north metro

I wish I were as good at literally anything as this man is at tossing those bagels

Vive la résistance 🥪

Oh hey, that's my plant stand!

No I'm pretty sure if I just buy like three more baskets to put stuff in, my life will finally be in order

"Ooh, that would make a great starter word for Wordle!" - me, every time I solve a Wordle

How quickly do you think I'd get sued if I opened a plant store called Monsteras Inc?

It's kind of nice that after 10 years, his supporters are finally starting to say "hold up, is it possible the emperor *isn't* wearing invisible clothes?" and those of us who have been staring in horror at his naked ass for a DECADE are like "yes I suppose that is possible, who knew" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I bet QAnon is on the Epstein list.

A couple more days of pressure on the Epstein files and Trump is going to start wearing glasses.

Ohhhhhhhh so the embarrassing thing is that those people got caught *cuddling* at a Coldplay concert, not that they were caught *at* a Coldplay concert. Got it.

"Girl, are you New Year's Eve? Because you are dropping the ball spectacularly." - me to myself just now

He is such a pathetic little old letch, isn't he.

Do you think that after a long day of arresting nannies, farm workers, and ice cream vendors, ICE agents ever look at their masked face in the mirror and think

Never squash a spider in your home. If there's one thing worse than spiders, it's spider ghosts.

Do you think the tip of Trump's klan hood sweeps forward in a comb over?