MAGAs trying to figure out the secret message behind "Donald J Trump raped children"

BREAKING: Schumer DESTROYS Trump in leaked memo: "Dear sir, Gentle reminder that next time you start a war, you should consult Congress first as per the Constitution. Kindly, Chuck"

Wait, I take it back. Since it's now ok for countries to randomly kidnap other world leaders and put them on trial, can someone hurry up and do Trump next?

So, did your president just attack an oil-rich country and kidnap its leader to steal the oil and distract from the mountain of evidence that he, a convicted felon, raped children and committed treason by inciting an insurrection? Or do you have a normal head of state?

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

2025 did not make my list of Top 10 Years. Actually, I don't think it made my list of Top 2,025 Years, either.

Whether your house burned down or is standing and contaminated, life is still pretty much hell for all of us in Altadena nyti.ms/4aCgbi6 (gift link)

Did a little sightseeing around our nation's capital

My internal monologue these days feels like endless variations of the Mad-Lib "If I can just get through [event], then I'll finally be able to [simple but seemingly impossible activity]."

Looking at how hard Trump's handlers are trying to hide the Epstein Files, I'm starting to think that "MAGA" actually stands for "Molest American Girls Again and Again and Again."

This exhibit in Houston’s Rothko Chapel featuring excerpts from the newly released Epstein files is quite stunning.

Time for the annual debate: is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Or is it a Christmas movie that just *happens* to be set at Christmas?

you will be visited by three spirits

Happy Epstein Eve to all who celebrate 🥂

Lord, please never let me be hated by someone as skilled as that Vanity Fair photographer. Let all my haters be incompetent.

you will be visited by three spirits

Ah. Apparently I've reached the "I bet I could actually get some sleep if I were in prison" portion of the holiday season. 🎄🎁⛄🎅

In case our federal government also starts screening its own citizens' social media, I would like to state for the record that I hate the fascist rapist Donald J Trump and I want to see him spend the remaining days of his miserable little life in gen pop.

Soooo what are we thinking, like 3 more days until Trump posts an unhinged tweet ripping into Biden for appointing Hegseth?

Amazon is helping fund a $300 million build of a ballroom for the White House. Independent bookstores are donating to food banks and organizations that help with food insecurity. They are not the same.

So how young do we think the waitresses will be in Trump's Epstein Memorial Ballroom?

everyone knows AI is gonna crash the economy and is just kinda standing around watching it happen. i wonder if there’s any visual stand-in for that kind of thing going on right now

Please, no one tell Trump that Mount Rushmore exists.

I looked in my rearview mirror and did a double take because, just for a second, a black car and a white SUV had lined up in a way that looked exactly like a police cruiser. It was, if you will, a perfect coptical illusion.

Instead of a Captcha, they should just ask "did you have a moment of panic when we said your verification code was only good for 10 minutes?"

I accidentally stabbed my finger on a cactus needle today and now I can honestly say that when she went straight to bed and slept for 100 years after doing the same thing, Sleeping Beauty was NOT being dramatic.

The emperor is so utterly unclothed that every headline is basically an unsolicited dick pic

Wow, Trump really puts the "pathetic little dick" in "pathetic little wannabe dictator."

Do you think the reason Trump is so obsessed with MS-13 is because he thinks it's the Miss 13 junior beauty pageant?

Oh man, how funny would it be if Hegseth gathered all the generals and admirals and tried to make them take a loyalty oath to trump, but then they were all like "nah bruh" and did a coup instead?

What a privilege it is to get to see firsthand what happens when The History Channel stops showing WWII documentaries 24/7 and instead just makes shit up about aliens.

Maybe he meant to say that Tylenol causes fascism?

Guns kill people. #Repeal2A

RFK told me Tylenol melts steel beams.

If and when Trump dies, who is going to be the next leader of maga? Ain't gonna be Vance, that dude has all the charisma of a damp couch cushion.

With ideologies this extreme, there is no middle ground and there is no opting out. If you are not anti-fascist, then you are pro-fascist.

Trump attacking antifascism

I usually do a really good job of keeping track of little personal items, but if I had a nickel for every hair elastic, tube of blistex, and pair of sunglasses I've lost in the past couple months, I'd be able to buy another pair of sunglasses to lose.

Would I watch a Father of the Bride sequel starring the entire cast of Only Murders in the Building? Um, I don't know, did Toto bless the rains down in Africa??

Update: Civil War cancelled due to shooter being demographically uncooperative

Even stone gives way when roots persist.

Look, was Charlie Kirk a white supremacist? Yes. Was he also a Christian supremacist? Yes. Did he peddle conspiracy theories that caused a lot of needless deaths during peak COVID? Also yes.

Let kids live #Repeal2A

Look, I didn't like the bastard any more than you did, but still, it's long past time we repeal 2A.

On the plus side, according to my Fitbit, my emotional distress counts as cardio!

Vaccines are battle training for your immune system. If you could give it intel on the enemy, why would you withhold that? Give me ALL the vaccines! I want to be prepared for everything!

I believe Trump is dead and there's literally nothing you or he can say or do to convince me otherwise. #TheEmperorHasNoPulse

My 2-year-old was alarmed to learn this morning that he has bones inside his body and even, yes, in his head. Follow me for more tips on how to traumatize your children ✨