They don't tell you in AA that mosquitos will start attacking you again at about 5 years sobriety

Got heckled for riding an ebike to work , heckled his ass right back for taking the elevator because that's cheating too

Jungle King

Pro: my shoe was already warm inside Con: from a chipmunk hiding in there

My new security guard, still in training 🐰

My superpower? I want to see the oxygen spewing off plants

I realize this is supposed to be a prank but you never know where there's treasure to be discovered and this serves as a good excuse to look

When someone takes the last nacho without my approval

STOP SASSIN' BILLIONAIRES

Which generation is responsible for buying from ads on websites??? banner ads wouldn't have evolved into ruining my internet

Sorry officer, my memory can only go back about 10 minutes or sometime to the 1900's, not sure which year

Going to befriend the lazy one

Hopefully taking an early lunch break for a quick stress relieving 2.5 hour bike ride today

My car bot is faster

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

Candlewood Suites, only $20 surcharge for pets, bedwetters $35

my inner monologue when lunch is within reach

Mostly controlled falling

It sucks when there’s a task you’ve been putting off a long time and then you finally do it and it takes like ten minutes. I will never learn anything from this.

⚠️ escaping technology

Allegiant airlines requesting donations for the plane during the boarding process

Started overeating on a regular basis, going pretty well so far

i don’t own a metal detector so every time i go to the beach i bring home a bucket of sand and stick it in the microwave

Disgusting

Meet me at the happy spot

Trollin for babes

Physical therapist recommended massages every other month and sent the referral to a guy named Beefer

Nice job mr fake it till you break it

Adjusting my back with a combination of bungee cords and ratchet straps

Physical therapist addressed me as "mr. twig bitch" this morning , the kind of therapy i needed

I don't know, i heard they are saying the new ai smart filters are throwing away my work emails

Marlboro lights in a box, now with .5 grams of protein

Eastern blue dive bomber

Blocking off my calendar for brain reshaping sessions

Smashed my thumb on a bottle opener like a ten year old (didn't spill

Bluesky: where 30-40 year olds are capable of putting together predefined lego sets

Slowly becoming a guy that yells in his car, not at other people, just in general

SimCity 2000 No Cars Edition

Blocking anyone that sorts their legos

They should offer free driver's ed refresher courses for people like your boyfriend

Those little baby pistachios you see on shelves were just about to start their lives right before being viscously thrown into an oven, I hope the anti-abortion people know about this

Getting my children ready for the economy by charging for refills, premium filtered water coming next month

Retired from winter olympics when I clipped a tree, driving this left handlebar into my pelvis at such force it punctured my jeans leaving me to hang for a few minutes

Far Side

🌳✊ "Be a voice for the voiceless! Our forests are vital for the planet's health. Like, comment, and share if you stand against deforestation! #ProtectOurForests #EnvironmentalSustainability"

AMERICANS STILL LEADING SEARCH FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE

Why are some people still using pound signs on this site