He wouldn't be able to make it because he's so toxic that no one even remotely sane will work with him. To which I say 'lol, and indeed lmao'

Is it any item on the menu with a shitload of added raspberry sauce?

When you go to a wrestling show and Brock Lesnar is performing:

We always knew this place as 'The Ortak' It later turned out that many letters had fallen off the 'eat in or take away' sign outside.

Not the salute I was expecting, tbh.

Retirement plan: gonna run against Trump and have a terrible campaign, there sure appears to be money in the inevitable "It is everyone else's fault I lost" book I can write afterwards.

Same. Now to follow a bunch of folk and immediately forget about it.

We now cross live to YourParty HQ for an update:

Australian Prime Minister's a racist cunt

Kier Starmer's favourite Metallica album is "...And Justice For All". Not because of the songs (which are bangers), but because it epitomises mistreating the weakest person in the power dynamic.

Been binge-watching Stranded on Honeymoon Island, and everyone involved is so insufferable that I think it should have been Stranded on North Sentinel Island.

Leaving aside that "no surrender" is up there with the worst phrasings he could use, this basically guarantees that he'll have surrendered by Tuesday lunchtime.

SHOT MY NECK INTO PIECES MY NAME IS CHARLIE KIRK MASSIVE GUNSHOT I'M BLEEDING WIFE'S ON THE GRIFT, BARELY SPENT AN HOUR GRIEVING

Make a band singular: okay, I'll need some rat poison and either Paul or Ringo's dinner.

It makes me unreasonably angry when contestants get criticised on the Bake Off for having simplistic designs. It's not a fucking art contest! "Nice painting, Mr Caravaggio, but before we exhibit it could you make a sourdough loaf please?"

Slightly diminish a book Fumble and Drop-22

Someone should tell her that being a cunt to other countries is Yvette Cooper's job.

It's day 1 of the new NFL season! Now to take a big sip of water and check in on how the Dolphins are doing...

If they have to play the game (they don't, but FIFA gonna FIFA) the only acceptable response is to select a squad of ringers and say straight up "they're a genocide nation and we're just gonna go in two-footed, studs up to injure them until the game gets abandoned"

<looks at arrest figures> Wow, sure seems to be a lot more terrorism in britain since Starmer became PM.

Thank you for that emergency alert test. You have now successfully trained me to switch off emergency alerts the second they start regardless of the message.

Now watching:

Is there a Sirhan Sirhan Jr? Asking for a friend.

Scotland vs Denmark,what could possibly go wrong? (the next 90 minutes. That's what could go wrong)

Remove the stone of shame! Attach a different stone of shame!

A couple of years before Thatcher carked it, there was an evening when twitter went wild with rumours about it and it turned out a few days later that some 89 year old woman in Oregon called Margaret Thatcher had been killed crossing the road. So yeah, I hope Trump's dead but I'm not getting hyped.

Met the hotel cat. Good lad, diligently occupying the main door space to greet people and get fed by everyone.

There's worse places to be. Fucking roasting though.

This is a ridiculous time to be up and I don't like it. It is also entirely my own fault because of my 'zomg must get to the airport as early as possible' anxiety. However it does come with a week of not being in britain so it's impossible to say if it's good or bad.

Mrs Dolphins is away getting her hair done, so I'm being productive about the flat. Just kidding, I'm playing Xbox and listening to deftones.

Last day of work before a week's holiday and you bet I'm clock-watching.

I've had too much pepsi max and now I'm belching constantly like some feral oaf. There's probably a downside too.

Send help, new addiction.

White British, I thought we were reporting the ethnicity of sex offenders now?

Remember that time Chris Pratt effectively posted 'thanks for the healthy kid' to his current spouse when his kid with Anna Faris had health problems? He's always been a piece of shit.

Kieth asking better lawyers than him if they can pull the old lord hawhaw move and execute her despite not being british.

Contemplating just throwing out half the food in the fridge so I can fit more irn bru cans in to cool down.

5 days of good health at work and now I'm bunged up on the weekend. This is bullshit I hate it.

If I pay them £1 does that mean I can help a shoplifter nick more stuff by distracting staff?

There's a buzzing in the flat and I really don't want to have to get off this sofa to check if it's a fly (go about your business lad, we're all good here) or a wasp (fetch me the flamethrower)

Chess grandmasters: good advice is not to hang pieces Me: <loses every game because of an irresistible urge to hang the king>

And I'm urging the UK government to go fuck themselves.

Have mixed up some ice cream but have to wait 24 hours for it to freeze, this is the most unfair thing that has ever happened and I do not like it.

Why is it not two weeks from now already? I want to be in warm Foreignland, not cold Scotland!

A lot of these are perfectly fine to be angry about, but you can fuck the fuck off with 'you drank the coffee at the wrong time of day'

It's always 'mistook charity rowers for immigrants' and never 'mistook domestos for lemonade', is it too much to ask for some positive news stories?

<that gif of the security guard not giving a fuck>

Authors: Derek Bentley & Christopher Craig

Should I have pizza for dinner or pakora & chips? (I'm getting dinner from the kebab shop this is non negotiable you can't stop me)