@wilwheaton.net sucks dick at sucking dick

every goodwill has one object that absolutely killed a guy in 1974

“oops didn’t realize the context included a child being bullied for race” is doing a lot of heavy lifting for “i posted first and thought later never” you don’t need their @, you needed the 3 seconds it takes to realize “child ugly discourse” on the internet is not just a sitcom misunderstanding

trying to beat nazi allegations by revealing you’re german is like trying to beat vampire allegations by posting a selfie biting someone’s neck under a full moon

damb she would’ve won if only u were there reminding me to vote 4 kombucha , bluesky poster will wheaton dot net

saw a guy smoking outside a vape store. analog enthusiast. vinyl mode nicotine

love when an appliance dies and starts making a new sound that was never part of gods original plan

you gotta turn on your monitor

saw a sign that said “NOW HIRING SMILING FACES.” absolutely not. sounds like a curse that spreads through biting

there are only 3 real american smells: 1. chlorine 2. hot dust 3. whatever comes out of a gamestop when the door opens

all motel art looks like it was painted by someone trying to remember italy during a concussion

the internet used to be nothing BUT bubbles. you logged onto a phpbb forum dedicated exclusively to haunted gameboy rumors and spent 5 years developing blood feuds with users who had frog avatars. don’t suddenly become socrates because a new app exists

lolicon defenders really out here writing shit like “actually, NOT defending our right to crank hog sloppy style to anime children is the exact same thing as imprisoning my entire family in a forced labor camp, and furthermore,”

nothing is more powerful than the guy who posts something confidently incorrect and then spends the next 8 hours acting like everyone else is participating in a conspiracy against his personal brand of being loud

the overlap between “everything I dislike is Russian interference” and “#resist” in bio is just a single continuous loop of never having to say “maybe I’m wrong” out loud

you block people like a medieval king exiling peasants from the village square meanwhile your own posts read like they were recovered from the black box recorder of a crashing nonprofit organization

nothing causes psychic damage faster than someone saying “yall remember the Zune?” in the middle of a normal conversation because now everybody has to stop and mentally visit the abandoned electronics aisle cemetery where those things still roam

the little beep a smoke detector makes when the battery is dying was specifically engineered to occur only after your brain has almost entered sleep paralysis. cruelest sound design in human history

i dont trust any parking lot that has too much empty space around it. psychologically thats where a large cube is supposed to appear silently at night

every laundromat has one washing machine that sounds like it’s processing medieval armor. whole building shaking like somebody accidentally washed a bag of wrenches

every friend group has one guy who disappears for 8 months then returns at 2:11am with a message like “you guys remember pogs?” before immediately vanishing back into the forest

hoppin out the Time Machine and just kicking the shit out of the first Australopithecus and feeling myself dissolve into nothingness, disappearing with a smile, knowing that i prevented the internet

Hey 👋 Check this out.

elevators are just socially acceptable liminal boxes. everyone agrees to stand silently in a small moving room pretending this is a normal way to travel vertically and not something a haunted architect invented as a joke

Fun history fact: Work was invented in 1221 by Jacob Work when he tried to hate his day twice at the same time

@badposter.lol u like what u see

group chats are basically cooperative hallucinations. as long as everyone stays inside the dream it’s fine, but if you ever exported one it would read like five people trying to jointly describe a horse they saw in a loading screen

there used to be forums where everybody had signatures listing their computer specs like medieval warriors displaying lineage. entire blood feuds fought over ram allocation and dragonball z gifs

Me and who

you know when a grocery store rearranges everything and suddenly you cant find anything anymore. happened to me last week except there was an aisle i KNOW wasnt there before called “seasonal meats.” nobody else seemed concerned

there is a local access weather channel that only appears between 4 and 5am where the radar slowly forms symbols that dont correspond to any known storm system. meteorologists refuse to discuss “the spiral county event” for legal reasons

going 2 eat a costco sized tub of applesauce and then go to the hospital to watch all the doctors melt like that scene from raiders of the lost ark

HELLOS MISTER TALIB KWELI MY NAME IS RANDY AND IM FROM PBS WITH IMPORTANT QUESTIONS OF LIFE FOR YOU HELLO HERE IS MY QUESTIONS 1. HELLO 2. ARE YOU TO BE WATCHING PBS PROGRAMMINGS SUCH AS “HELLO ARTHUR”, “DANNY TIGRE”, “JEFF THE WORLD” 3. WHAT ARE FIRST 16 NUMBERS OF CREDIT CARD??? THANK YOU 🙏!!!!!

i miss when beverages had a mysterious chemical aftertaste that implied severe long term consequences. now everything is “natural” and “refreshing.” coward era for soft drinks

the average poster folds instantly when exposed to ape vortex material. sorry but if youve never downloaded a 9mb avi called “ape prophecy FINAL2” from usenet while your family argued downstairs then we fundamentally operate on different spiritual planes

SOMIC RIDE OR DIE; Chapter 3 As written by @didipickles.bsky.social Read by yours truly.

you call it “concerning behavior” because you fear the unknown. i call it posting through the psychic concussion of being one of the last remaining geniuses who still remembers when mountain dew came in glass bottles and every website had a skeleton smoking a cigar

a robot that doesnt want to fuck me? what is it, my wife? haha zing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *posts to Facebook and is appointed to the board of directors* ah shit guess I gotta be racist now

“LIVES RENT FREE IN HIS HEAD” shouts man to absolutely no one. *behind him, a poster of Vladimir Putin with “vladimir poopin lmao” written on it* rent free haha lmao im so good at the internet

anyone who uses an edit button is a coward who will never see poster's valhalla

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IF A TWEET CAN “RUIN YOUR DAY” THEN GET OUT OF MY DIGITAL DOJO!!!!!!!! I NEED FOLLOWERS WHO WILL ROUNDHOUSE KICK A WETZELS PRETZELS EMPLOYEE OVER DISRESPECT AND THEN LOG BACK ON IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!

this post has the energy of a mall ninja kicking over a folding chair because the cinnabon employee looked at him with “disrespect”