How can I tell my dog that her tummy only hurts because she didn’t eat her breakfast when MY tummy hurts because I didn’t eat my breakfast?

Thinking about her………

Getting lovingly clocked is my favorite experience (the barista knew I wanted oat milk) 💖

Do you ever love your friends just like so much?

What if I told you I was right to stay home because a couple reportedly refused to leave the theater for even one moment to change their infant’s poopy diaper. They did it on a table! For eating! Right next to my wife!! Who does that!! Parents’ rights or whatever but that’s bathroom stuff mama!!

Moments before she tried to punch me in the face for giving her too many kisses 😔

How dare the algorithm catch on to my brand like this…

Can I help you??

Isn’t anxiety amazing? I was able to single-handedly give 20 people whiplash this weekend. Superpower!!

What if we just stopped playing christmas music what if we decided to free ourselves from that shit what if

gonna be eating muff all weekend

Life is all about second chances

Today’s biggest regret? My wife offered to get me an egg sandwich on our morning walk. I said no?? Now all I want is an egg sandwich. She gave me so many chances to change my mind smh This is your sign to marry someone who knows you better than you know yourself and to always trust they’re RIGHT

Screaming into the void in 10 minutes. Be there or be square!!

Anyone else’s dog go on hunger strike and subsequently fart the house down after two days?

Chat cats? This is my Moe. Momo, The Moe, Big Girl, Dr. Moe, Coach Moe. I know I’ve posted her before, but she’s my soul kitty!! I have to post more Moe! She’s full of whatever special ingredient makes tabby cats so unassumingly perfect. I’m gonna cry thinking about how much I love her please enjoy

Cursed year continues with a big couple of weeks at our house!! -dryer broke -car 2 broke down. $2000 fix. Car 1 still hasn’t been repaired and can’t drive in rain -out of pocket dental work -wife’s phone got a little water on it and broke even though it’s supposed to be water resistant

Love having muffins in the house so I can make a bunch of jokes about eating muff life is good

Isn’t it funny how big money stuff always comes crashing down all at the same time? Funny!!

Conveniently forgetting an 8:30 meeting because I can’t set any expectations that I’d ever be available for that kind of thing 🙂‍↔️

I really love when a man assumes I’m so stupid I don’t even know my office’s phone number. The office I have been working at for 8.5 years 🙂

I was talking about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez with my wife today and called her Ao3 by accident probably 10 times. How rotted is my brain

Time for my daily commute through the “confident and bold” to “I need to talk less” pipeline

Annual dragon walk and no one said a thing about her wings 😤 She’s in shambles!!

Would love to know why my paycheck is literally 5x lower this time than it was last time!! Something my boss felt no need to explain when processing the payroll! Hahaaaaaaaaa

CHICKY PORKY STOCKY 10/29/25

Already dreaming of the pizza I’m going to get on November 29th. There will be other pizzas in the interim, but none of them will be her

Huh, when I completely abandon the practice of stretching regularly (at all), I feel like shit all the time? What’s up with that!! I’m certain there is no fix here

It cuts off right as I say “I’m not sharing this” but you know what!!

a lesbophobic hate crime took place here

Thinking about the time the pizza place misheard my name and forever made me Peffa in their ordering system

Planning a ~10yr college ukulele club reunion?? Crying in old and cringe and friendship 😭

Forever beefing with the torture device otherwise known as the blow dryer

When your dog faces her fear of rain for a morning walk, you are obligated to sing her a personalized song to the tune of whatever’s stuck in your head

We just found out we made it to the regional awards, but we were never notified?? Anyway turns out I’m a star and everyone loved our silly little movie 😭

Going to a new coffee shop is a gamble because it’s either going to be the gayest or the most Christian space you’ll be in that day

Imagine being proud to vote no on a school tax levy

How to pet a dog

If anyone wanted details on my wife catfishing as Ashley Tisdale on AIM

You ever heard of Boston?

My home! My pets! My stuff! My things!

You know you’re doing the Emily Dickinson house tour right when the guide clocks you and pulls you aside to read some raunchy poems about Sue

Another day, another lesbian with Ellie’s tattoo

Miss you, chat!!!!

I survived: airplane panic attack

I love overpacking

Migraine hangover has me feeling loopy and full of love for the gay ppl in my phone sorry!!

Last day before vacation, and I haven’t prepped a thing for my time away. Perfect time to start seeing that ocular migraine aura!!!

What if I never left my enclosure? There’s lots of enrichment in here. Do I really need to see the outside world?

Grippin’