(Sitting in the cart guzzling a vodka + Red Bull and smoking a cigar) Yeah Iove to golf

hey sorry for going MIA, I've been crying to "All My Friends" by LCD Soundsystem

I had just finished undergrad and was working a shitty temp job in a mailroom, broke in a new city and patiently waiting for grad school to start, when this song hit me like a fucking freight train

How’d that last one happen? I wasn’t even watching

They deleted the post about any USMNT wins being tainted because Trump put his thumb on the scale, but it highlights two key things about dems: They don’t understand rules are completely made up, and that Trump always takes credit for things he had nothing to do with and they take the bait anyway

That game was completely unwatchable. FIFA should be embarassed.

The beautiful game

You could say I’m having a bit of a hydration break myself

Sorry but as a professional you have no business missing a PK

“Wow, they almost did something really cool!” - Me 1000x during every World Cup game

Being a little offsides is okay imo

They should make an anti-anxiety drug for people who drink too much coffee

Uploading a gif of my balls to the blockchain

Can check

FUCK this game is hard

Back on my bullshit (playing XCOM 2 Ironman)

My Roman Empire is World War II, but in a normal way

Someone wrote “ass” on the bathroom stall at the gas station. Hard to believe, but that’s the world we live in

Didn’t know my mother in law was visiting Lake Berryessa 🤣🤣🤣 I’m here all night folks

Your pussy would go in the first round of the draft, no question

(Trying to gas up my wife) You have the LeBron James of pussy

Sorry but Warhammer 40k is dumb

Eating Vaporeon sashimi

Season of The Bear where there is a problem at the restaurant and they have to learn how to get along to fix it

Cursed timeline

DOLORES DEI - “We don't have anything to talk about anymore. Every combination of words has been played out. The atoms don't form us anymore: us, our love, our unborn daughters... It's all gone.”

It could be the Lexapro talking, but I’m feeling pretty chill today

If AI were as great as we're told it currently is, we'd be talking about a hundred other incredible inventions, instead of just AI. We'd be talking about all the fantastic inventions that AI came up with.

Jorkin to Porkins

Jackin to Jabba

“The Elder Scrolls” is what they say about you when you’re on your phone!

People I may know? In what sense of the word?

We are transitioning from one scam to the latest scam. Investors overjoyed, what could possibly go wrong

I’m considering having a beer tonight

You could convince me that ANH belongs in S, or that TFA and TLJ belong in C. But you can’t convince me that any of the prequels belong in a higher tier, they are absolute dogshit. I’m sorry, I love Star Wars, but they are impossible to watch

S: TESB A: ANH, ROTJ B: TFA, TLJ C: Solo, Rogue One F: TPM, AOTC, ROTS, TROS

My most unpopular opinion is that Next Friday is funnier than Friday. Like, significantly funnier

The editorial board of Dumbass Magazine, the magazine for dumbasses

Happy 4/20 everyone I am sorry to inform you that this appears to be real

Can’t believe the Lakers had a guy named Luka Nard

Ok I’m ready to not have pneumonia anymore, thanks

My stance on “public auditors” is that I enjoy watching them own police, but I tend to sympathize with regular people who don’t like random mouthbreathers filming them in public. It might not be illegal, but you’re not some 1st amendment crusader, you’re just annoying. Get some pussy fr

I just took 875mg of augmentin, dare me to drive?

I know ethical lines were crossed, but the glee red pill losers are experiencing from this story is giving Gamergate vibes. I don’t care for it!

Flatulence is the expulsion of gas from the intestines via the anus

PhD level intelligence

Apparently Tate McRae and Addison Rae are different people

Watching the Coachella stream: Jack White looks like shit

How do I, as a grown man, have a 102.3 fever right now